How can I get him to agree to break up? (long sorry)

[talkingtomyself]

I've been living with my partner for 5 years. It's been rocky since day one, he enjoys going out to bars and clubs and I prefer to stay home. I don't enjoy the person I am when I've been drinking let alone the paranoid, jealous, irrational person he becomes

For the last year or so I've been trying to 'better myself' I'm taking a degree in psychology (unfortunately not far enough along to help me much with my situation! ) and improving my parenting skills (I have 3 children with my ex husband) and generally trying to be a better person. It seems that he has subtle ways to try to hinder my efforts, quite difficult to put your finger on it, but I am not letting this stop me.

I love him very much and when he tries he can be great. The trouble is he doesn't try, and caring for some one is not good enough reason to stay in an unhealthy relationship.

It's as if he has no concept of anything that doesn't effect him personally. I suffer from rheumatoid arthritis, luckily not too severe yet, but he never helps me with the cleaning or walks the dogs with me so I don't have to go twice ( I can't manage both dogs anymore as my right arm is too painful) I have asked him for more help but he acts like it's a joke and just expects me to pick up after him. He doesn't help with the finances, he gives me a small amount each week but nowhere near enough to make a difference and doesn't see why he should share the bills with me as the kids are not his.

These things are part of the reason I want to end things, but the real reason I believe it has to end is that he seems to live in denial. To him nothing is wrong, when I bring anything up he makes jokes or just pays no attention. I have asked him time and again to sit and have a real discussion with me and when I try he sits silent or leaves the house and comes back later as if nothing happened. It feels as if I am invisible or speaking and nothing is coming out. The way he acts like nothing is going on is kind of scary.

I know that nothing can change between us unless he accepts that there are problems that we need to sort out.

How do I get him to see that things cannot continue like this? It has got to the stage in the past when he has been drinking and got quite mentally abusive that I have thrown him out, but he refuses to stay gone and hounds me with guilt and pure persistence until I take him back. His place of work is a few minutes walk from my house.

I have been trying to think of ways to convince him that we are no good together - I keep thinking if I can get him to understand that without any anger or drama in the break up he might leave me in peace.

If only he would listen! I'm so frustrated I feel as though my guts are in knots all the time and find it difficult to concentrate.


How can I make myself heard? I'd be grateful of any advise,

Deejay

[Jennifer]

i'm not sure that you can get him to realize this on his own, but if you start talking about ending things, it might jolt him into reality. he seems to have a comfortable life with you and even though it upsets you, you still do everything around the house and with the finances so he hasn't up to this point needed to change.

are you looking to get him to improve or to leave? is leaving possible, can you manage on your own? mostly, couples start therapy becasue one partner says, i'm unhappy i want out and the other partner is clueless and says, no lets fix this or lets them go.

you will have to find out which way will work for you.

[talkingtomyself]

Thank you Jennifer, leaving would be very difficult. If I tell him I want to end it he jokes around, don't know what I can do to make him believe me short of bodily picking him up and hurling him out the door! He acts as if there are no problems so well that he almost convinces me.Then I wonder "What am I doing playing happy families?"

I'm under no delusions that he will change he's had so many chances and I know deserve better treatment, he just won't accept it. He would never agree to counseling

I've been saving a little to try to move away, with no family to support me and the kids and dogs it will be pretty expensive, but the fund isn't very big yet and I am so stressed. Sometimes I think I'll never be free of him.

Deejay

[Jennifer]

remember this is not about him, this is about you and better your life. the more knowledge you have, the more power you have and the more power you have, the more knowledge you have (michael focoult)

of course he doesn't believe you, i'm sure you have said it numerous times. so instead of saying it, just act as if you are moving towards that direction. he will pick up on that and he will either be scared (which i'm banking on) or he will not care and then you will know.

if you try to tell him you are leaving, you are just giving him a chance to show you he cares and he has not gotten that hint yet. Men don't get hints, they need things throw on their heads to tell them what is what