HELP!!! My Boyfriend and his Ex-Wife are BEST Friends

Lisa · Joined: 02 Jan 2009 Posts: 2

My boyfriend and his ex wife are BEST friends and I find myself struggling with the concept. Let me explain... they have a child together and communicate very well when it pertains to their child... which I can truly appreciate. Know that I have a child of my own and have a decent relationship with his father, therefore I understand the need to keep the lines of communication open.

Where I struggle is... he tells her that he loves her when they disconnect their calls, she calls him to share that she is ill, calls to say that she failed an exam for promotion, or just drives by to show him an outfit she's wearing... and as if that wasn't enough... just the other day I called to hear that she and her friend were at his place baking a cake.

I've attempted to share with him a couple days ago that as we think about the future and discuss moving forward (living together) that I can deal or learn to deal with just about anything, however know that I would not be willing OR able to deal with their emotional attachment to each other. He stated to me that she is part of the package deal that included his son. I'm toooooo sorry, but unless it pertains his son... she is NOT part of the package deal I am willing to accept. Am I being selfish? Is this just me being insecure? I find this very disrespectful and have tried to convey this to him, but he just doesn't see my point of view. I think I get stuck at... "I wouldn't do this to you" type of feeling. I love him very much. I feel that he brings a lot to my life and know we could have an awesome future... however the situation with his ex is a deal breaker for me and the fact that he doesn't "get it" hurts my heart... especially when he instead has asked me to seek therapy/counseling so that an open minded third party can tell me that I'm wrong for feeling this way... Please tell me... Am I wrong? [/b]

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

Hey
Just responded to your email, but I will post it here too. You are not wrong, but the way you went about it was wrong. Nobody especially men like to be told what to do. He seems to think that his behaviour is acceptable, but you do not. He is the one that needs to change his behaviour or he will never move forward with anyone. It is up to him to change and recognize his pattern of holding on to his past. If he is unable to recognize that, you have to ask yourself if you love him enough to live with it.

Lisa · Joined: 02 Jan 2009 Posts: 2

Thanks for the reply... I can agree with the fact that I went about it the wrong way and I guess me flipping out when it happens doesn't help either. The thing I love most about him is that we have such great open/honest communication between the both of us so I just thought I could convey my feelings to him and time and time again I'm told that I only feel this way since my ex and I aren't the "best" of friends or because I haven't maintained relationships with my past ex-boyfriends. He'll say that "best friends do stuff like that" and I would agree with his statement when your best friend isn't also your ex-wife. I'm so confused right now. I know that he loves me, but know that he will never give me the place I need in his life when it pertains to her. I have and will always feel second best to her and it's a terrible feeling. He says I want to be "alpha dog" and to an extent... he's right... and I feel entitled to that role if it's ME he wants a future with. Anyhow I'm far from perfect and have alot of insecruities, but all in all I'm a good person with a lot of love to give. One thing I know for sure is... I'm done crying and hurting over his ex. Sad

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

you are right and should be #1 in his life, does he not treat you that way? How do you know that she is treated better than you? Can he have her in his life at all in your plans for the future? Has he been in relationships before you were it was okay with his relationship with his ex. Sounds like he doesn't understand relationships and even if this was his buddies, he needs to be committed to this relationship and to the idea of you two together.

Does he want this relationship to progress?