Feelings for my ex

[educatedleader]

Hello. I was dating D for 5 years off and on. We didn't work out because we both had trust issues. It was a verbal and physical abusive relationship. I got out. We have known each other for 13 years. We keep in contact every now and then. More so now than then. I have been with W since 2003, we are now married (2 of the 5 years). W and I are in the same profession, both in a fraternity and sorority (active members), he has 2 children I have none, just miscarried a few days ago, and lastly he is in love with me. I am not feeling the same way. I recently saw D and when I did the old feelings that never went away came back. D has 2 children as well a new born and a 10 year old (two seperate women). I guess my concern is, I am not in love with my husband. I am not happily married. I am no longer interested in him. My feelings have been like this for awhile. I am concerned because I know that both D and W love me whole-heartedly. I on the other hand love D and W, but I am in love with D. We have been talking more and we have seen each other. BIG MISTAKE! We kissed (no tongue) just pecking and holding hands. I care for him so much and want to be with him, but I know deep in my heart it would tear W apart. I do not want to do that, but I want my sanity and I want clarity. Please help! I want your honest opinion and advice about what you think is the best thing to do. I have thought it over and I have come to no conclusion.


Confused,

Educatedleader

[Jennifer]

Okay, how are you are the miscarriage to start off with. Are you and your husband having trouble? How do you know that you are not in love with him?

Yeah, you wanted honesty, bad idea to see your ex because it will just confusion you. Does your husband know how you are feeling?

[educatedleader]

Jennifer,

My husband does not know how I feel and probably suspects something, I am sure of it. He always senses things. As far as the miscarriage I am well. I am near the completion of my doctoral degree and therefore I am working non stop to make it to the end. I honestly think that I would be better off by myself and date versus be married. I am unsure if marriage is wrong for me or if I am wrong for marriage. Unsure. You are right I should not have seen him, D. It was a bad choice and now everytime I close my eyes I think of him. We are planning to see each other next weekend when I go home for a sorority event. I know it is wrong, but why can't I stay away from him? I can not control my thoughts and feelings. If I had a sense of clarity of how to go about this path I think I would be ok.

[Jennifer]

congrats on the docorate degree. I just completed mine and it is a hard road to take. the stress might be a factor in wanting D. do you usually want things you cannot have?

you mentioned being single, not sure if you really meant that or just saying it. if you have started on this path with d, it will be twice as hard to give him up.

sounds like you need clarity and a break from yourself. what are you expecting to happen when you go home?

[educatedleader]

When I go home, I do not expect anything from him. He and I have discussed the getting to know you all over again which includes no sexual activity. When I go home he wants to spend time with me like we use to do, talk and talk and talk through the night. Yes, I normally have the tendency of wanting things I can not have. I have the only child syndrome. Which is really bad not just for me but for others as well. Single, may be the answer. I say this because I will only hurt W and D if I am with them both (not sexually) but married to one and spending time with the other. If I were single then perhaps I would not have hooked emotions that are connected with both of them, really. I say this because I do not want to hurt W. Really and truly I do not, but at the same time we are too much alike as far as career, education, goals, etc... there is no spontaneity with it and it drives me insane. So I feel like I am connected to both of them, if that makes sense.

[Jennifer]

of course everything you said makes sense, but you haven't mentioned working on your marriage. relationships get old if you donot work on them. if you want spontanity, then you need to take the action and implement it into your relationship.

being single is not going to fix this because it is in you and breaking from both of them is not going to fix this. do you really think if you leave w you will be happy with d? are you happy?

[educatedleader]

Ha ha ha am I happy? I use to be. I am not myself anymore. W has changed all of who I use to be. I use to be fun and I smiled all the time. Now I am just there. D, use to make me laugh and we had so much fun together, even after the storm we would talk it over and be back on track. It was just how we were/are. My marriage, yes needs lots of fixing. I am not ready to make it work. I am not ready to make it work. I am not ready. (there I said it).... I am not happy with W. Yes, he makes me laugh but it is the same routine. I am sure that maybe there will be some sort of regret later IF and WHEN I do decide to leave W. Because I know deep inside there is no other person that I have yet to meet that loves me more than W. Sad but true. I can not even imagine if D loves me as much as W. I am not so sure. Am I willing to take a chance on finding out? Maybe so, but I must say I am scared to be alone.

[Jennifer]

you said it in the last sentence and the first. you are not happy and afraid to be alone. leaving w should be because it does not work. if you leave for YOU will have these problems again.

[educatedleader]

Then Jennifer, give suggestions of how to make this work. What are some generic suggestions to help me, work on me, for me.....

[Jennifer]

well I think you are doing this by talking it out. trying to find happiness with yourself is journey that is differnet for everyone.

what is important to realize that you cannot find happiness through other people. it is hard to tell you what to do and I don't believe in giving advice because nobody listens and does what they want. therapists are guides that support your decisions, and should not tell you what to do, that is not how you find happiness.

[educatedleader]

Ok, well talking this through is helping. Its like I want the cake, the ice cream, and the magic show all in one sitting. I want W and I want D. There are traits that W has that D does not and visa versa. It is weird. I drift off because I need that certain trait at that moment, not so much the person, but what the person has to offer. How do I satisfy my craving without being spiteful?

[Jennifer]

Before I met the guy that I am going to marry, I use to say things like that all the time. I would say, "Well, If i could just combine these two guys it would be perfect." Little did I know at the time that there was this perfect guy for me. I know nobody is perfect, but there are people that are compatible and suppossed to be together.

I was struggling with choosing between two also and finally I decided to give up on both of them and then found the right one. Of course, I was not married to one of them so that makes it more complicated, but it sounds like neither of them completly satisfy you so why are you so willing to settle>

[educatedleader]

Great point. Neither one of them completes me and neither one of them satisfy me wholly. Therefore, with that being said. I guess I should work on letting both of them go. HOW EASY IS THAT? Not! I can not thank you enough. For now, I am going to have to work on this situation and figure it out on my own. I do not know what else to say or do at this point.....

[Jennifer]

your right not easy, but you wil figure it out. in the meantime, keep posting and helping others, it might help you get clarity as well.

[educatedleader]

that's just it. I am posting to others, but I am not getting a response, can others see my posts and respond?