Feeling Trapped in my relationship

[Wandering Soul]

Hi everyone...this is my first post ever on this site that I (happily) stumbled upon tonight.

I am 28 years old dating a 50 year old man. We been dating for over 2 years and have been living together for a little over a year. We are engaged and have been since 2 Xmases ago. I was working and living on my own strugging and independant and I hated my job and roommate and through a dating website came along a loving and kind man. I didn't care that he was older than me or lived 5 hours away. I wanted someone to love. I thought i was in love.

Now over 2 years later I am very unhappy. I moved to be where he is, left family and friends and quit my job. At first i was happy but now he is always tired and has many health problems I feel like this was a huge mistake. I love him dearly but realize i not in love anymore. In the few years i've been with him he's been in the hospital and almost died, gotten arrested, his license taken away,financial issues, gotten his car towed and has had serious depression/self harming issues. I want to stick with
him because I love him but now i feel like it's more pity and guilt that love. We fight almost everyday although he never lays a hand on me. He is very loving and caring towards me and that makes the decision even worse.

I have threatened to leave several times but i have no money atm, my piece of junk car isn't insured and i would have to beg a friend to stay with them. Not to mention the 2 cats we have that are like my kids. Sounds silly i know. I haven't worked for over a year, have gained weight and now I am depressed and lacking the will,faith in myself and resources to make things better atm. So i feel trapped. He knows how i feel and begs me to stay but I don't know how much more problems, fighting and loneliness i can take here away from everyone and dealing with everything by myself.

Any advice would be appreciated..thanks very much

[Jennifer]

Hey
Sounds as if you need to get yourself back and then find the strenght to do what you need to do. Whether he did it or not you have become emotionally and financially dependent on him and his mood seems to have become your mood.

Before you leave, try distancing yourself and working on who you are, who you want to be and how you want to live while you are still with him and see if those traits are okay with him and yourself.

Glad to hear that you happily came upon the site. Keep on posting.

[Wandering Soul]

Thanks for the prompt reply. You are right. I Feel like I have lost myself out here. I have lost my esteem, determination and drive. It is all to easy to have him support me everyday. But I am not happy not working either. I am taking the lazy way out... i know that in my heart. I don't know my own mind sometimes. Some days i want to stay and others i want to leave. Sometimes I can't imagine myself without him, he's my best friend but then i think i may be happier without all the bs he brings with it. I know i have to do something. i feel like my life is meaningless and i am sinking deeper into the quicksand of apathy. I know i have to get off my tail and work to make things better but it's hard to know where to start and being depressed it's hard to find the will to want to try.

[Jennifer]

Just take it one step at a time. Start getting yourself back whether it is by finding a job or just being self reflective which you seem to be. It is very easy to loose yourself in a relationship, especially one where you have become a caretaker as well.

Stop beating yourself up and start working towards a brigher future

[Wandering Soul]

Thanks very much you are very kind Jennifer....good day and peace to you.

[Jennifer]

same to you.

[effy2us]

I am so in awe of your post. I too am in a relationship with a man who I want out of but I too have no job, no car and no self esteem. I too have gained weight and feel yukky. My fiance has 2 children, 16 and 17. I moved in with him 5 years ago. His wife had recently passed away. I had been divorced for about 5 years when I met him. I was very independent and had 2 jobs and an apartment and a car. I gave it all up because I believed in him. He made promises he didn't keep. His son has been in a phyc. hospital for 3 years due to some depressive disorder. I lived thru hell with his son, having to sleep with my bedroom door locked because the kid was homicidal and suicidal. My fiance allowed me to live in danger and did nothing about it until I ranted and raved non stop. His son called the State on us saying he was beaten and they actually came to our house and investigated us. One of the things you all should understand is that I agreed to move in to his home because he promised me that his children were his responsibility and I would not have to deal with it all. I was here to be in a relationship with him and him only. I wanted only friendships with his children. I never wante children of my own and I certainly didn't want the responsibilities of someone elses. I trusted him when he said I would not have to worry about that. My fiance lied so bad!!! He had me doing everything for him and his kids, driving them to doctors and picking them up from school, etc. Mind you, these kids never even left the house. He never got them involved in any activities ever. They went to school and sat home day and night doing nothing. He has allowed his childrens friends to disrespect me right in front of him and done nothing. He has caused serious financial debt to us by making bad decisions. He had no mortgage on his house and then goes and gets in debt for thousands and now has a $93,000 mortgage even though I advised him against ever risking his house. Really the loan was a home equity loan and it was originally only for $25,000, but because he signed a front loaded interest loan, he now owes $93,000. He kept this hidden from me for 2 years before I caught it. He lied and decieved me. His daughter is now 17 and is a problem too. I have done so much for this girl over the past 5 years. We were such good friends. I drove her places and did things for her and stuck up for her with her father and made sure she had all the comforts that a teenager should have. She had sleep over birthday parties, which was a drag for me because I am not a kid person and having all those girls in my house was a nightmare. But I never let on to her how I felt. When she turned 16, she was suppose to get a job and a drivers license and maybe start pitching in more. She didn't. She got a job a year and a half later, and still no drivers license. She is always under foot too. I have no privacy at all. She is a slob and a spoiled bratt and we hardly even talk anymore. I have no basic human rights here and I have no respect at all for my fiance anymore. He isn't a man. He doesn't stick up for me or fight for me or anything. He walks around her thinking I am happy, even though I have told him many times, I am not. I just want out so bad and don't know where to turn. I have no one to help me. I don't even know where to begin. I want my life back so bad. The happiest day of my life would be to be able to walk out that door and never look back. That would give me such great joy. I have been used by everyone in this household and no one does anything for me. I have wasted 5 years of my life. I can't get that back. I am so positive I want out and I just need help figuring out how to go about starting over. I feel like I am so trapped and can't even figure out my first step. Please help me if you can. Thankyou all for listening. I know this was a horribly long email.

[Jennifer]

Hey
sounds as if yes you could use some moral support. What are your options about leaving? do you have family/friends that could help if necessary? Do you have skills that if need be you could get a job or do you have a job now?

Yes, sounds as if you are at the end of your rope and have been through way too much. The trick, where do you start? You just need a small step in order to get you on the right track. where would you like to start?

if you want, why don't you open up your own post so we can continue to work on this if you want.