Family or Boyfriend? It's a long story.

[coffee_chick]

I stayed at my grandparents' for a week and a half. Well, kind of alternated between there and my boyfriend's. I had no internet access in that time, but I've been trying to keep a journal. I'm not very good about it. It was a surreal-ly relaxed week. The days I spent with my boyfriend, I was able to forget about everything else going on. It wasn't helpful, in the long run. I was aware of the problems, my plans, etc., but they didn't feel real.

We got in an argument Monday, he says I'm selfish, I don't give him any consideration. I think there is some truth to that, though not to the degree he says. I honestly just don't know what more to do. He can give specific examples, and I'll see his point, usually. Except when he says I don't care how (insert crisis) is affecting him. I wear my emotions on my sleeve, he does not. He'll see a friend's obituary in the paper and have about the same reaction as to a casual acquaintance and I don't know the difference. I tried to tell him that he hides everything so much, I don't know something is bothering him until he tells me. Plus, even though I'm rarely able to hide strong feelings, I hate hate hate talking about them (this situation aside). And since I hate people asking me how I'm handling a certain situation, I tend to not ask that myself. I guess that could be seen as a lack of concern.

Anyway, we talked, we agreed to work on it. We went out last night, he got a friend's band to let me sing a song with them, I got compliments and an inflated ego. We played video games (I love playing games together) and overall had a really good night. Then we argued this morning. I'm not entirely sure what exactly started it, what is was about, or who was right or wrong. I'm not even sure where to start, it's not even worth bothering, really. It could be just because I was leaving. He did say that he wasn't happy about it, the timing was terrible for our relationship, and that I never even asked him how he felt about it. This was the first I've heard of any of this. He'd been nothing but supportive so far, so it never even occurred to me to ask. We were not in good shape when I left.

I went to tell my mom good-bye. My brother got mad that I was taking one of the cats with me (Kitty's going to live with my dad). As that's been some source of tension in the house (too many of MY cats around, I'd thought I could handle them, turns out I can't, and then someone gets mad at me because they're doing more for them than I am), I don't really understand why, but ok. I thought it would help a little. My mom cried. A lot. She gave me a stuffed animal she sleeps with. She thinks I'm not coming back. So does my boyfriend. We talked some more, left on slightly better terms. I should also mentioned I hadn't spoken to anyone in the house since the last post.

So now I'm at my other grandparents' place, a few hundred miles away. I'll be leaving here sometime this week to drive 9-10 hours and stay with my aunt, then another 7 hours to my dad. I'm feeling unreasonably sad about the cat. I'm wondering if he misses his siblings and if he thinks he's being punished by being taken away. He's not used to being the only cat. I think he looks sad. I want to take him back.

I don't even know what I'm feeling right now. Family reunion tomorrow. That's why I came here in the first place.

[Jennifer]

How did it feel to have your boyfriend and mom sad that you were leaving? Sounds as if you and your boyfriend fought because he was sad you were leaving. Have you kept in touch with him? How do you feel since you been away? Do you miss your mom?

I think your emotions are at a standstill because you had to experience so much and now you are protecting yourself by not showing emotions, hopefully you can get to a place where you want to be and start to be the person that you want to be now.

[coffee_chick]

I've spent most of this time visiting family and hanging out with my grandmother. I haven't been this close to her since I was 5 or 6. She's teaching me to crochet.

My mom and boyfriend's reaction just made me feel guilty. Like I abandoned them. I haven't talked to my mom except to tell her I got here safe. I have talked to my boyfriend a bit. Actually, it's my ex now, I guess. We've gone back and forth. I've noticed and pointed out some game playing. Asking me not to call and then getting upset when I don't, stuff like that. He'll want me to leave him alone and then call and message me a lot, get pissy when I don't answer. He actually said I abandoned him when we weren't strong in our relationship anyway. That upset me a lot. I went off about how tired I am of people who want me to sacrifice my well being and my mental state for them. I know going on this trip isn't going to fix anything. But I also feel like if I can get away from the things that keep me stuck in the same bad patterns and habits, I can get a better perspective. We talked about what we expect from here. We left the possibility open to see where things go when I get back. I'm realistic, though. I know what that usually means. It's just to spare feelings. I've used it before myself to end long distance relationships. He asked what I'd do if "the opportunity" presented itself. Honestly, I'm not entirely sure. In my mind, he's still a factor. Thinking more after that, jumping into anything at this point, or in the near future, would just drag me back into old habits.

He said he'd wondered if this trip, the distance, was a way to end things. Of course there was nothing like that in my mind, but it made me think. My last long-term relationships lasted longer than they should have. The only way I was able to really end them was when the first one moved away and the second went to jail.

I'm staying an extra day, really a few days longer than I planned, because I'm enjoying myself. Also, my grandmother said it's been good for her to have me here. She lost her sister a week before I got here and she says I help keep her mind off of it. She knows what's been going on, at least somewhat, and has been supportive and not judgemental.

I'm going to call my mom tomorrow, to update her at least. I have a few things to do to get ready to go. The cat is quite comfy here though.

I'm ok right now. Until I get another phone call or message from him.

[Jennifer]

sounds as if going to see your grandmother was a great thing for you and her. And it has brought your relationship with your boyfriend to light. Sounds as if you two were having more problems than just your brother and time will tell on that.

For now, enjoy being away and being taken care off by granny