Family or Boyfriend? It's a long story.

coffee_chick · Joined: 09 May 2009 Posts: 14

My family and I were pretty close. As a teen, I knew I wanted out and the situation was bad. Then my mother kicked out my ex-step-father and things got better. They were improving for several years. Now I'm 26 and still live at home. It was a mutual arrangement, more like roommates. Then my brother died. He was 15, he got hit by a car on the way to a friend's house. He had marijuana and alcohol in his system. My mother has always coddled my younger two brothers, even pouring their cereal and practically dressing and spoon feeding them till a ridiculous age. No boundaries or discipline were given. She blames herself for his death. I tell her he wouldn't have accepted a ride if she had offered it, but still...

i've been with my boyfriend for 5 years. It's been rocky at times, but we came through it stronger. We still have problems, but they are worth working out. He's 38. We recently reached one that I don't know if we can overcome.

I recently lost my job. I was wandering the mall, dropping off applications for unemployment, with my visiting father and my 19 year old brother (not his son). I found out he had stolen several items from one store while I was talking to the employees about a management opening I am qualified for and very interested in. I called him out on it, he was not sorry, tried to say he had paid for the items, which I knew was not true. After much inner debate and advice from my dad, I told my mom what happened. That night, my brother messaged me. He said "Thanks for snitching" and promised to "return the favor." The next dsy, I found out what that meant. He had told my mother that my boyfriend is a drug dealer and that he had offered him drugs before. This is not true. I should also mention that he is unemployed with no intention of working, refuses to drive, and abuses drugs. I have kept my mouth shut about him smoking pot, as I am pro-legalization and don't feel that it's a big deal. But then I found out he has been involved in much more. A couple of years ago, I had to sit up with him on a bad mushroom trip. A mutual accquaintance has seen him snort morphine. Some of his friends are known heroine addicts and I have reason to believe he's involved in that as well. I worry he will od sooner or later.

So I got angry with him. He told lies about my boyfriend and might have cost me a job. I told my boyfriend what was said and that I had to defend him and every major purchase he's made in 5 years to my mother. He said that we could no be together because of my brother's mouth. He faced life in prison in the past because of similar comments (15 years ago), but got probation and is not in that life anymore. Because of his past, something like this is unforgivable to him. He admits that it is not my fault and not fair to me, but he can't associate with a "narc" and won't have his life or freedom questioned again. He's been paying for past mistakes for too long.

We had almost worked it out, I was ok with him not wanting to associate with my family; he never has much anyway. Then there was a huge fight with my mom. She accused my boyfriend of being abusive (he is not), she said I had become cold hearted and was too judgemental of my brother, that he is still hurting and depressed and that he is in counseling, so all of the stuff he's done is excusable to her.
I am the only one who's dealt with my brother's death. I've come to terms and made peace with it. I've been everyone's shoulder, I've been asked to talk to my brother about his problems, to help him get registered for school, to console her about problems at work (she's about to get fired for poor performance), and to talk to my other brother (23) about his alcoholism. I'm out of sympathy. I'm past needing to celebrate or wallow in his birthday or the anniversary of his death. I still go for support, but I dont know if I can do it much longer. So she said I was cold and that I shouldn't have made my brother feel so guilty. We argued. I'm mad that he didn't even care that he could have cost me a job. She doesn't care either. I found out she knew he had stolen before and did nothing. If I'd known, I wouldn't have said anything. She said I was choosing my "abusive" boyfriend over my family.

I talked to my boyfriend again, he's my rock, and told him about this. He says he thinks I'm being emotionally abused and that he won't come between me and my family.

He messaged my brother on his myspace page that he didn't appreciate him spreading lies and that he is not a kid anymore and needs to stop with such immaturity. My brother messaged him back with personal jabs, blocked him from messaging again, and changed his headline to something insulting my boyfriend.

After this, my boyfriend said we can't be together anymore. He said he can't ask me to choose between him and my family but that he can't be connected to people who bear him so much ill will.
If things had always been like this, it would be an easy decision, but this bad situation is new.

I can't help but feel that if I stay in my situation, I'll pay for it eventually. That I'll end up sacrificing my future and my happiness for my family. I love them, but I don't know if it's right or wrong of me to leave them to wallow in their grief and make excuses for their problems while I move on with my life. Would I really be turning my back on them? Or am I enabling by staying? I will be moving out as soon as my job situation allows. I am considering moving to my father's location (but not moving in) a couple states away. Or taking my savings and freedom and going to some exotic place. Or just moving to a larger city several hours away. I want to run away. If things are still salvageable with my boyfriend, I will not move away unless he agrees.

Am I just cold? Am I wrong for wanting to distance myself from my family? Is my boyfriend being unreasonable? Am I choosing him over them?

Thanks.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

Hey
Okay, there are a few different issues in your post, lets start with your boyfriend, bottom line with him is if you two love each other than you work out family issues, he is 38 and seems as if he has had experiences and should be able to understand what is going on with your family and their grief.

Then there is grief and grief is a tricky mess because no two people grieve the same and it sounds as if your mom/brother are not handling things well and both are in a downward spiral. Can you do anything to help that? I don't think so because they both individually need to realize that their life is more important than the one that is lost and both of them don't think so at this time.

No, I don't think you are cold, just think that you are different from your family and always had been alittle distance, more mature at that. Moving locations never actually fixes a problem, it just changes locations.

If part of your grieving process is that you want to move forward than by all means do that, your relationship with your boyfriend/family will have to work itself out after you get yourself worked out. Your boyfriend says that he doesn't want you to choose between your family and him but he really does because he is asking you to make a choice that you shouldn't have to ask. He didn't need to stir up the pot with your brother on his myspace page and your brother just doesn't know how to be happy and doesn't want anyone else around him happy, he might learn in the future what his actions means but it sounds as if he is really messed up right now and needs to get more help than he has been getting.

coffee_chick · Joined: 09 May 2009 Posts: 14

I talked to my grandmother about this today. She didn't realize that my mom knew a lot of the stuff my brother is doing and has done nothing. She reminded me that my whole family is not against my boyfriend. She loves him and knows all the stuff he's done for me in the past. I'm supposes to go pick up my stuff later. I don't want to. picking up my stuff means it's over. Of course, we may see each other, talk, and decide we don't want to be without each other. Or he would. That's already how I feel. I'm still not speaking to my brother. I'm somewhat speaking to my mom, it being mother's day and all. I even found a fitting card. I didn't do any shopping except for cards, but everyone knows my job situation so they were fine with that. I talked to my uncle's new wife a lot. She's/younger than my boyfriend. It wasa big help. She was all for me moving away. She had to do the same thing after hurricane katrina. Different situation, I know, but still... She gave me her number, told me to call any time. She has a similar situation with a sister she doesn't speak to.

I toldmy grandmother that I'm upset about my mother taking my brother's side. She agreed that it was unfair. She said I need to tell her all the things i know about my brother, but she already knows and does nothing.

My boyfriend said he doesn'y even want me to come inside to get my stuff, but we agreed that wasn't possible. I've built up a lot of stuff over there in 5 years. I dont know if I'll end up going over there tonight, he says I'm to emotional to do it right now. I said there's no way I won't be emotional, I love him and don't want to lose him. I can't go about it calmly.

A friend who's head counselor for the school system (used to counsel my brother that died) messaged me this morning to see how I was doing. He's not someone I feel comfortable going to all the time though. I'll try to call him later though. Since he knows my family, he might have some other insight. But that's what also keeps me from confiding too much.

I just feel like losing my boyfriend is too much to handle. I don't know how to deal with it. I wish they could all understand the potential impact of what my brother said, but they just see it as him being childish. I know that's all it was for him, but with the crowd he runs with, such things can be very dangerous. I dread the day that he gets busted and turns over a dealer or accquaintances to keep himself out of trouble. This is a smaller town and it won't end well for him. Almost everyone in that scene seems to know each other. I have some peripheral knowledge of it from former friends and coworkers that are involved in all that.

If I had never said anything to my mom, none of this would be happening.

coffee_chick · Joined: 09 May 2009 Posts: 14

I should also mention that my boyfriens has been diagnosed bipolar. He didn;t believe it, he says it seems like everyone's bipolar these days, just like everyone seems to be add/adhd. He thinks it's a fad diagnosis. I looked up some stuff about it, symptoms and all that. He finally admitted that there might be some truth to it. That was a few years ago and it saved our relationship. He was aware of his mood swings, we set ground rules for arguments.

Just some more background. i've been physically sick over this for a few days now. barely eating, throwing up when i do, and sleeping too much.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

I still don't get how your boyfriend can throw away 5 years over your brother's comments and yes they were stupid but ya know the saying sticks and stones, they are just words and you two have history. not sure what that is all about, do you? did you get any insight after talking to all of these people in your life today?

coffee_chick · Joined: 09 May 2009 Posts: 14

If it had just been some stupid comments, it wouldn't have been a big deal. But he has faced life in prison over his past mistakes. He reacts very strongly to accusations. I have seen him cut all ties with people over running their mouths before. Maybe it's cultural (hispanic, I'm white, my brother's half), or maybe it's left over "values" from that life. A snitch is not tolerated, even if they're lies. Especially if they're lies. No he didn't go to the cops, but if he'd say that to our mom, who else would he run his mouth to? If he was investigated for something, there is bias and it could lead to others he knows being investigated. If someone got in trouble because of him, there could be trouble. Even though he is not involved with running or dealing drugs, he still knows people that do. Many people from his past work at or frequent the same bars he works at. He makes an honest living now but is still well respected in those circles. I know my brother was not thinking about possible long-term consequences and was only trying to hurt me, but that's not an excuse for saying things that could mess up someone's life.

My boyfriend said the only way he'd even acknowledge my brother again is if he gave both of us a sincere apology. I do think that's a reasonable request, although, knowing my brother, it will never happen. He never admits wrong and has always been the type to take the slightest criticism as meaning you are out to get him. This led to many fights during my mom's messy divorce from his dad, who was abusive. He would never admit that to himself and claimed the stories about the man beating our mother and emotionally abusing us were all lies. It was a very ugly divorce and even my grandparents, my oldest brother & I (same father, first marriage), and my aunts & uncle were dragged through the mud.

coffee_chick · Joined: 09 May 2009 Posts: 14

I'm going to go see him now. I don't know if I'm getting my stuff, I hope not. I'll post again later.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

I do understand where your boyfriend is coming from, but you did not snitch on him, nor are you responsible for someone else's actions and he is holding you responsible for your brother's words which is not right. I do hope you two can work things out and you can move forward from all of this.

coffee_chick · Joined: 09 May 2009 Posts: 14

I left the house as soon as we got off the phone. A few minutes later, he text messaged me to wait, he wasn't ready for me to come over yet. So I went to the cafe/book store where I used to work. My counselor friend was still there. I sat and talked for an hour until he was ready. A few other friends/accquaintances were there. It's always interesting because they are hippies, pagans, new agers and wiccans and I'm a fairly hardcore, if respectfuland open minded, skeptic. This has also been a source of contention at home as my mother turned to religion for comfort and became quite closed-minded to anything non-christian. She worries for my mortal soul because I won't go to church with her except on special occasions. She is more concerned now with an afterlife than the one she has here.

We discussed the situation and my options. I will be going to visit my dad's parents in 2 weeks, several hours away, and may extend my trip to visit my dad, if I can afford it. I'm looking forward to the time away to clear my head. I don't know if I got any new insights other than not holding myself responsible for others' well-being.

Then I went to my boyfriend's. It was a little awkward at first, not knowing if it was the last time we'd see each other. We hung out, had sex, and I stayed the night. We talked quite a bit. We're going to work on this and see where it goes. He says he couldn't live like I do in my home. I stay locked in my room, I avoid everyone, checking to see who's in the living room even to go to the bathroom. I talk to no one.

I'm going to limit my time at home, coming back just to take care of my cats and continue packing. I may stay at my grandparents' (mom's parents) for awhile if we can work out an acceptable arrangement. I'm slowly moving things out of here.

We talked, hypothetically, about how we would move our relationship forward. How we'd like to start spending holidays together and start our own traditions rather than me feeling obligated to spend them with my family. He rarely joined us, he's not very comfortable with family gatherings because his family is not very close and he's been ostracized by some for his past. I brought up buying one of those modular homes for his family's land. His house is 50 years old and was probably only intended to last 30. Falling apart, despite his best efforts. He seemed like he liked the idea, or at least that I brought it up, but reminded me that we need to get through this before we worry about things like buying a house.

I've decided that I should have little to do with my brother for awhile. At least until he makes some acknowledgement that his actions hurt others and shows some sign of caring about someone besides himself. It will take rehab, jail, or an overdose, I think. I wish it wouldn't come to that, but that's what I see happening.

Some of my depression lifted now that I don't feel so helpless and trapped. I feel for the first time that I have the final say in my life. I'm nervous about moving out, when I do, and everyone's reactions (I've stayed here as much out of obligation as for my own benefit), but I'm realizing that it's my choice, it's long over-due, and I don't owe anyone an explanation for something that most people do as a normal part of life.

Unfortunatley, that depression was replaced by anxiety. I know that one way or another, I'm at a turning point in my life. I'm generally scared of change and do very little on the spur of the moment. he only thing I have to worry about is my finances and what to do with my cats. I have 6, in addition to my family's cat, and can't leave them all here and can't think of a way to take them with me. I was looking into buying a small house somewhere on the outskirts of town, but then I lost my job.

I was calm for the first time in days when I woke up this morning. Then the anxiety crept back in. I have a xanax perscription, to use on an as-needed basis. I've tried to use them sparingly, though, as I have no refills and no insurance at the moment. Maybe once COBRA kicks in, if I can afford that.

So I'm feeling a little better today, still working things out with my boyfriend, still deciding if things can be worked out with my family at this time. I don't see it happening in their current state.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

sounds as if you are deciding your own fate and the anxiety is an after thought after you have time to think about thinks and how it will affect you. whether you are being pushed to move forward with your life or it is just time, good for you for taking the action needed. maybe not having a job right now will give you the necessary time to figure all of this out and not be tied down to the job and not your own life.

As far as your brother goes, you hit it on the head with the three choices because those are the only ones that addicts have, death, rehab or jail and he will have to make his own choices in that matter.

when you develop a relationship with someone, you do create your own family traditions, just please make sure that your boyfriend is not making you decide to move away from your family, because it sounds as if you are very close to them and your extended family even though right now things are hard.

yes, using the xanax in your situation with so many addicts in your family, you should be careful and depending on medication will only get you through, not help you deal with what you want to deal with and you seem strong, smart and have the ability to handle whatever comes your way.

It is okay to explore beliefs and try to be open to anything that comes to mind, but realize that if you are doing it to rebel, which it doesn't seem as you are, you will revert to what you feel comfortable with.

As far as change goes, it is always happening, not many people like it but it happens to all of us no matter if we like it or not.

coffee_chick · Joined: 09 May 2009 Posts: 14

I wasn't raised religiously. I went to church with my granfparents every once in awhile, and it was a good experience. My mother never made us go and never went heself until my teen years. For a bit, she decided we needed religion and we went to church. I enjoyed singing in the choir, but got no spiritual fulfillment from it. She stopped going after awhile, tired of getting up early? I don't know. When my brother died, she bacame friends with the parents of one of his friends. By chance, I had gone to school with the oldest brother and dated the step-brother, who turned out to be a jerk, but it was a lesson in experience. The step-father was a pastor. They held church in his living room. He performed the funeral service. my mom started to attend church with them. They were friends and comforted her and I fully supported her, at least up to the point that it interfered with my own beliefs. I hadn't realized how intolerant she'd become, though. Every conversation involved scripture. Whenever I complained about customers trying to convert me (conservative town), her response was "and what's wrong with that?" We got into an argument one day when I mentioned that there were complaints from a wiccan co-worker that the music dept manager played nothing but Christian music (he claims Jesus turned him straight). I argued from the business standpoint (you shouldn't alienate your customers) and she took it very personally. She was upset that I was respectful of others' beliefs, as I'd like people to be to me, and said she was afraid we wouldn't be together in heaven. She cried, we argued. I don't subscribe to any particular belief system, Just try to be a good person. I called my father, who is atheist, to ask how he handled situations with his mother, devout southern baptist. He said he would never say anything to rob her of the comfort her religion brought her and avoided theological discussions at all costs. I bought her a bible study book the next day to show my support. Eventually, the pastor started talking about end times. She would not hear a bad word about the oldest son, who'd been a bit cruel to me in school and who is mentally unstable. He was expelled senior year for attacking another student. I was hurt by that but let it go. The church disbanded after the pastor got a dui. He wanted to work on himself.

I do not care to go to church, I don't like the act I feel I have to put on. I rarely like the people. The people I've known that claimed to be the most religious were the meanest, most intolerant people I've known, with a handful of exceptions. I suppose I just don't like organized religion. But I've never ridiculed any for their beliefs. It's hard to see my mom like this now, she is not the same person I grew up with. My brother goes with her to church now. I guess that gives him bonus points over me. I'm rarely home, I go out and live my life and enjoy the people that I'm happy when I'm with them. It's been hard to be home because of the negativity there, even long before this. I had been trying to move out before getting fired threw a wrench in my plans. He's home most of the time she is. He sleeps all day, goes out after she goes to bed. But she sees him as the one who is there for her, not me. I just see him hurting people. He has stolen from her, and all of the other problems I mentioned. Ive never been in trouble really, so it's hard when she takes his side.

I was asked a question today. What would I do if my mother, my brother, and my boyfriend were not in my life? What would I do to help myself? I don't know. It was offered that maybe I'm having so much trouble because the options I see for myself all depend on what someone else does. I guess that's true in some sense.

I just want my own life. One that's not dependent on approval from my family. I want my boyfriend in that life. The talks we've had since ths began have made me feel so loved and appreciated. There are few people outside my home that have a bad word to say about me. The reaction to me getting fired was an ego boost, I'll admit. There were many complaints to the company. I feel so much support out there and none here.

I know, logically, that I need to do what's healthiest for me, even if it means not having the approval of my family. It's just hard to accept that emotionally. It feels wrong. When I move out, even if I stay here in town, I'll be seen as abandoning my mom. But I'm an adult. This should be a reasonable next step for me, shouldn't it?

coffee_chick · Joined: 09 May 2009 Posts: 14

I had a small breakdown today. I took a xanax, it helped. I only took 1, .25mg, I usually take 2. Took it with coffee because it makes me sleepy. I think I'm going to stay with my grandmother for awhile, until I go visit my other grandparents. I need to talk to her first, but she's out of town until tomorrow, so I'll go talk to her then. Then there will be a talk with my mom that I'm dreading. I think I just need to let her know how much they hurt me. If she understands that, great. I don't know if she will. My counselor friend said something to me. That dysfunctional families don't want you to get out, don't want you to get healthy. They want to keep you there until you stop feeding the dysfunction. That's what I'm trying to do. My dad's suggestion is to come up there, stay for a bit, work, be independent if only for a month, and see what living a "normal life" can do for my head. It's a maybe. He even has job connections there for me. Interesting, since he doesn't have any for him yet. I just know that I need to do something where I deal with people one-on-one. It's my strongest skill. I still see former regulars all the time who tell me to let them know when I get another job so they can start going there instead. This weighs on my head so much, I can't think clearly most of the time. I feel like a much bigger breakdown is coming and I'm trying to head it off. I'm getting scared that I won't be able to deal with this. If I can just last until my vacation, I think I'll get by. I guess we'll see.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

What is it that you used to do? Sounds as if your dad/grandparents are very supportive of you and it is just your mom and brother that are dragging you down so you need to remember that, actually it is mostly your mother. She raised you well to recognize that you feel as if you have the obligation to take care of her when she needs you.

Your counselor family is correct, but dysfuntion does not like funtion just as insanity does not like sanity. You have been in dysfunction for so long that you might not recongize what the other side is like.

I don't know your mom, but i already can tell how the conversation with her will go, she will blame you, beraid you and make you feel awful for the choices that you are about to make. Just know that going in so you can be prepared for them and not let them affect your decisions on what you need to do.

The further away you get the different you will see your mom/brother and hopefully at one point you can see them from a distance in another way, but for now this is about your sanity and getting back on your feet.

coffee_chick · Joined: 09 May 2009 Posts: 14

That's exactly how the conversation went. I talked to my grandmother first, just to makt sure we could agree to terms of me staying there and to make sure she didn't share my mom's point of view. She says she understands why I'm hurting and what I want out of the situation. Then I talked to my mom, told her why I was hurting and how I felt wronged. I told her that I wanted to stay at my grandmother's and that I was still planning my trip to see my father's family. She said why would I do that, they've never been there for me. I said that I needed some time to get my head together and that they're still my family and I haven't seen them in years. At some point it was said, "just do what's best for you then." But not in a supportive way. I'm really scared. I'm at one of the lowest points I've been in awhile. We didn't argue so much, I guess. I told her that I know there's not much more she can do for my brother and she would never kick him out. I told her that I feel like they resent me for moving on from my brother's death. That didn't go well. Overall, the conversation made me feel worse. I told her before I left that I love her and was not trying to turn my back on them, but that I just need some time to myself and hugged her. She was crying a lot. I'm starting to doubt myself. I had told her that my boyfriend is not a factor in my decisions, I'm trying to take care of myself. I'm not choosing him over them, we don't even know if we're staying together. He says it's hard to watch me this upset over people that are supposed to be there for me. I don't have an answer for my recent lack of sympathy. I care, but I'm burnt out. It's too much for me now. I wish I could just know what the right thing to do is.

I miss the way my family was, but then I'm not sure if we were ever really like I remember.

By the way, in answer, I managed a cafe in an entertainment store. I worked my way up in position and pay pretty quickly, I liked my job and was a customer favorite. Though I'm somewhat anti-social in my personal life, I deal with people pretty well and am generally upbeat and friendly. I was well-liked by co-workers, except for the one who wanted my job. The store manager had me in line for the assistant manager position when his boss, from corporate, fired me.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

It is normal to feel sad, anxious and even drepressed about moving forward with your life because the unknown is scary, but just remember that you never move forward alone, you have all of your experiences to help you through and just having that conversation with your mom proves how far you have come and how well you will do in life.

I'm sure you didn't explain the whole thing, but it sounds overall that it went well, i'm not sure it is over because when you actually start to move, you will find her resistant so just be wary of that and recongize that this is not easy for her, you are her rock and her rock is leaving and that might be the best thing for her because she will have to stand on her own as well as you do.