Dont Know what to do.

Lets_B_Honest · Joined: 14 Jul 2009 Posts: 6

My ex have been together for 2 years now. Our relationship is so complicated. At first we were just friends. she was in a abusive relationship with the only man she has ever been with and has a daughter by. All i wanted to do at the time was show her that she was better than that. In this process we fell in love. To be apart of that was probably the single most painful thing i've been through.

She internalizes alot of things and finds it hard to talk to me about. That, her low self-esteem and insecurity has made our relationship hard. She gets into this state where she closes everything out and just wants to be alone. And then she gets into this thing where she keeps telling me that she doesnt deserve me.

Eventually i did some things to changed her trust and only contributed to her internalized feelings.

Now in the last serval months we've been at extreme lows and it always seems like it my mouth or my ego that may contribute to her shutting down. But i hoenstly dont think the things i say are that serious for her to act like that.

Shes always trying to leave me and at this point has made it clear that she doesnt want to be with me and i should just move on but only a few days later we're being intimate.

My main problem is that fact that she gets high and drinks and the simple things i tell her to do she doesnt and i get overly upset and start being a complete jerk. ... No matter what it is..She's leaving and im chasing...I just dont know what to do anymore...i just need to know if it's truly worth it to pursue this and try to change myself. Or just let her go...

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

Honestly, it sounds as if she hasn't healed from her past and feels as if she is not a worthly person and doesn't deserve you or anybody. We pick people based on how we feel about ourselves and if you feel bad you pick a bad person, feel good, pick a good person.

The drinking/drugs are just a way to numb the pain. She needs help, professional if she is open to it to work on all this stuff. Does not sound as if this is a relationship problem, but something she needs to work out from what I am hearing from you.

Lets_B_Honest · Joined: 14 Jul 2009 Posts: 6

So at this point... would it be best to just let her find herself and if she comes back then fine...or do i continue to put myself out there and ket her i know im here?

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

I cannot tell you what to do, but if you can handle it, it is always good to be there for someone, it sounds as if that is how your relationship started and she really appreciated it and now it is too hard for her, but your feelings need to be considered as well and how much you can handle.

Lets_B_Honest · Joined: 14 Jul 2009 Posts: 6

I'm having such a hard time with this. I call her and she doesnt answer. The cpl times i have talked to her she seems aggravated and tells me that she's been really busy and just wants to be left alone.

it's so hard to hear the one you love talk to u with such coldness. I'm feeling as if i should just leave...but at the same time it's too hard. I just need help understanding her...or make sense of what she's feeling. I keep telling myself we arent all the same and deal with things differently...but could it possibly be what shes telling me...is what she actually wants..Im so confused/

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

she is giving you all the signs that you need she needs some space for whatever reason that she has. Only she will be able to explain to you what is going on with her and it sounds as if she cannot do that yet.

Pushing her is not working for you, so maybe letting her have her space and letting her know that you are there for her will let her come to you when she is ready. NOT easy to do, but seems that is what needs to happen here.

Lets_B_Honest · Joined: 14 Jul 2009 Posts: 6

Im back again. and more hurt as ever. Jennifer why is that somebody does not want to be loved? I understand i have made mistakes in the past that make her not trust me but i have tried so hard over and over again especially lately ...I've been completely honest and told her everything in my heart , my thoughts, my hopes my dreams about our future...

She listens and invites me back in and the goes into ignoring me and not speaking to me...

Im still in confusion of what is going on in her head b/c she doesnt speak to me??...

IM the only one who knows her the way i do and i show her so much love from the deepest parts of me, like no one else does and she continually pushes me a way...

Is there something wrong with me that i let her do this to me? i Can be so hurt today and i wake up tomorrow morning and forget about it and fall in love all over again?

Maybe its b/c we're both females...i just dont know ...where do i go from here?

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

it is not you, it is something that is going on with her and you are making it about you. she has made it clear that she does not want to be with you and you are not accepting this, why?

I guess it is time to let go and move forward with you life.

Lets_B_Honest · Joined: 14 Jul 2009 Posts: 6

I just dont understand that i've shown nothing but love and have sacrificied so much for is willing to throw it all away...It doesnt make sense to me. how can someone body going from being so deeply in love with someone to just so cold the next?

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

Can't really answer that for you only she can and it does not seem like she is willing to do that for your sake. You are holding on and she is moving farther and farther away. Not sure what you are holding onto at this point. I know this process is difficult, done it enough times, but the sooner you do it, the sooner it will stop hurting and you can move on and get some clarity on the situation. Maybe once you distance yourself you can figure out what is going on. Right now, it just seems as if your emotions are too raw to think about this with any rational which makes sense.

I hope for your sake that you can accept your situation and do what needs to be done for yourself and not for her. You can think about yourself.

Lets_B_Honest · Joined: 14 Jul 2009 Posts: 6

Okay Jennifer i was getting ready to acccept it all and guess what?...We're back together.. i still dont feel she's being 100% with me, i guess this is what i wanted and i've managed to change a cpl things about my character to make this relationship work but now im thinking it may not even be worth it..

We love each other a great deal but between the stupid things that happen between us and her full of sh*t baby father makes it even worse.

I feel torn in between the two and i dont know which one out weighs the other. Do i love hre enough to deal with all this bs and let our love over power that...or are these problems unecessary and something i should just let go b/c i can do better?

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

that is up to you. she put you through a tough time and if I was you, I would be guarded that she will do it again. It sounds as if she needs help learning how to have a mature relationship and I suggest that you try to get her the help that she needs so you can be together because I can only see you getting more hurt. Love is such a strong emotion and it keeps us from seeing things rationally. When its good, its great, when its bad, its awful. Up to you how you want to be with her. Either way, I do wish you the best!