Cold fish

[dpred]

I have been married for 20+ years, and have always enjoyed the physical aspect of my marriage. My husband on the other hand is what you might call a "cold fish". He never makes the first move and it seems that if any seducing or initiative is taken to get things started, its from my end. I am not unattractive & try to take care of myself.
He often goes online looking for porn and insists on keeping a subscription to playboy ,"for the articles". He spends more time with those paper and cyber dolls than he would with me. Its probably silly to be jealous of these things and most will probably argue that its normal to look at them. I would not care if I was getting equal time but I don't unless I ask for the attention. I don't know that he has been unfaithful, but I do know that he has occasionally gone to strip clubs when away at seminars he's had to attend or work related conferences. I disapproved when I found out and was quite hurt by it.
Now hes upset because I threw away the playboys and deleted his request for forgotton porn sites passwords and I'm "spying" on him. I feel like he should at least reassure me that I am his only interest, and maybe show me he is interested in a physical relationship. Am I wrong? This man could go months without initiating sex. Is that normal?
What should I do? I love him, he is otherwise very good to me.

[Jennifer]

Hello:
I do understand with what you are talking about, but the way you went about it was not something that he would appreciate. It seems like this is more of a communication problem than a sexual problem and that is where the work needs to start. Can you talk openly about sex to him? Can you talk openly about anything to him. You want to be validated and appreciated, and he needs to know from you how he can do that.

[dpred]

I do try to talk to him about things, but you are right, he seldom replies to anything, more than yes or no, or" I don't know."(Which translates to I don't really care.)

[Jennifer]

Keep at it, it is a communication issue and I am sure that he cares, just does not know what to say. Try if you can to stay away from the porn/you don' love me issue, because it sounds like he does, just that he does not know how to show it.

[dpred]

Ok,Just that its been an issue for a long time. I been married 20 years, when does he finally get the hint?sigh
I feel like I been knocking myself out and nothing has changed.
Maybe hes just lazy, comfortable? I almost ready to give up on the physical relationship idea simply because I'm weary of being the only one making an effort.

[dpred]

And why doesn't he know how to show me a physical interest? How hard is that? I'm confused.

[Jennifer]

It s hard if you do not know how to communicate. Physical interest is just as much as an emotional connection as it is with a pysical connection. He is having trouble connecting emotionally and porn/playboy is easier to do than to put in the "effort".

[dpred]

I'm not sure I know what I can do to help him with the "emotional connection" . Or is that even up to me?

[dpred]

I should rather he try & fail than not try at all.
Thanks for your input Jennifer.

[Jennifer]

Your right, ultimately it is going to be up to him to want to try, but you need to let him know that this is important to you. Have either of you thought about counseling? I have found that counseling with one partner can actually help both partners. Let me know.

[dpred]

So if I can get him to go, I wouldn't need to?
Thanks.

[Jennifer]

Yes, but he is not the one that thinks there is a problem. Therapy is for those that want to change. The ones that go to try to change others just keep on getting disappointed. What are his other good qualities?

[dpred]

The outlook is bright, what a difference a day makes.
After our disagreement and cooling off period, I apologized for ripping the pics out of his magazine and explained that I was jealous and the porn made me feel bad. He admitted that he had decided not to renew the subscription. But just hadn't told me. That makes me happy. We seem to be getting back on track.
I also told him I felt he was worth better than the women he was oogling in the internet sites. I think that was something he needed to hear. I hope it lasts and things get better. I just hate the idea of growing old without a good sexual relationship.
Hes a great guy and his good qualities have always outnumbered the bad , and he had a lot more bad ones when I met him than he does now. He's made a lot of progress, working through alcohol abuse and depression years ago. We both had some baggage when we entered this relationship. Anyway hope springs eternal , so I'm feeling a little less hopeless today.
I'll keep working on it.

[Jennifer]

That is great!!! I really liked the way you were able to stay positive and boast his ego at the same time. sometimes that is all it takes. Have a great day!

[Jennifer]

And also, not sure how you feel about the porn, but you might want to make it a joint activity and watch with him. Might bring some fun into both of your lives.