Cheated on and trying to forgive

Jonster777 · Joined: 18 Sep 2010 Posts: 13

My girlfriend cheated on me a couple weeks ago and I didn't find out until she had to go to the doctor to have herself looked at. She passed what she got from this guy on to me and when we went to a clinic, I asked her one final time where she got it from. She is my first and only and we had gotten checked before the relationship started. She said she had cheated on me a week prior when she had gotten drunk.

I don't have insurance and recently lost my job and could soon be losing my apartment, so I didn't have the money to go to a doctor. She offered to pay, but I don't know.

I am devastated and haven't cried so hard in my entire life. She's hurt me more than I've ever been hurt before. I can't function, I don't find anything enjoyable anymore, I can't eat or sleep. I feel dead.

What makes this more of a difficult situation, is she wants to be forgiven and continue with our relationship. I don't know what I would do without her and want to forgive her, but every time I think about it, I think about her with another man and I break down.

I love her more than I've ever loved anybody and I don't think that'll stop, but I want to forgive her and I don't want to lose her. She's promised it was a one-time thing, and I believe her, but I just can't get over it all.

Today is our anniversary and it's probably the roughest emotional day of my life. I told her on Friday that she needs some time to think about what she's done and just how much she's hurt me. I gave her a week and I think I need this week to be able to forgive her, but three days have passed and I've gotten nowhere. All I want right now is to hold her, but I know that I can't. I don't know what to do and I don't know how to change. I'm a mess.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

of course she should pay for you to go to the doctor that is irresponsible on your part if you don't get that taken care of, your health trumps pride. In saying what I just said is to snap you into action not to beat you up.

why did she cheat? instead of just forgiving and forgetting you and her need to get to the root of the problem and figure out why she cheated. once you do that then you can start learning how to heal and forgive. the forgiveness part comes a lot easier than the forgetting part. some couples get past these things some don't depends on your relationship and how you feel about cheating.

Jonster777 · Joined: 18 Sep 2010 Posts: 13

She doesn't ever drink, so she gets drunk very quickly. I'm not saying that she can hide behind alcohol as her reason for why she did it. I think that's why I gave her a week to figure herself out. I want to know why she would do something like that to me. I have been 100% faithful and give my all towards this relationship. It hurts so much to know that she isn't.

Every time I think about her, and why I should forgive her, all I can think of now is her with another man. And not just the fact that she did it, but why she didn't stop on the first touch or first kiss. She went all the way. That stings. She kissed him and thought it was okay to continue all the way down to removing of clothes and the act itself. This isn't like she got raped or she did it without her own consent. There's a long time between that first kiss and the act of having sex and then continuing to do so. That's what keeps going through my head and that hurts more than anything; knowing she wouldn't stop it.

I told her she needed a week to figure herself out and I've been falling apart daily, thinking that she isn't hurting and wanting to have any sort of contact with her. How stupid is it that I'm not strong enough to follow what I've said myself? Like I said, yesterday was our anniversary and late last night she sent me a text saying that she misses me a lot and it's hard for her not to talk to me and how she wants to see me. I didn' t respond given the advice of my friends, but I really wanted to and still do.

And of course as soon as I left from my friends' apartment, as soon as I got alone, all the thoughts and the anxiety came back. I'm physically ill from all the worry and the anxiety. I've gotten hives over the last two days and woken up sick to my stomach. I don't understand how some humans can be so disgusting.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

it is going to take a really long time to forgive/forget. doesn't just happen. you need to first figure out if this is a deal breaker for you or not. sounds like you have a good support system in place but you have to ask yourself if you are doing what you want or what they are telling you is right in this situation.

Jonster777 · Joined: 18 Sep 2010 Posts: 13

What I want is to be with her. That's where this whole internal struggle is coming from. Everybody I've talked to has told me to leave her; that nobody deserves to be cheated on and then give a second chance. I know that nobody deserves to be cheated on, but I'm a little iffy about the second chances. What I really want is just to be able to forgive her, but something's holding me back. I'm filled with anger and depression every time I think about all that happened. Not a single person I've talked to has supported my decision to try and work things out with her.

Recently, her father had called me to see how I was doing with this and to updated me on her. She's really close with her family and got an infection in her kidneys and spent a couple days in the hospital. All I wanted to do was to go and visit her because I know if I was in that situation, I would want the same. I didn't, per everybody's suggestions, and haven't responded to her text she sent me two days ago. It was nice to hear from her father, however, and to hear that she's doing okay and out of the hospital and wanting to go back to work tomorrow.

I think the big issue here, out of all of this, is I don't know what will hurt me more: being without her or being hurt again.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

people get over affairs and go on to lead happy lives. it is easier to say break it off and harder to find a way to forgive. i cannot tell you what to do, that is up to you but if you decide to work it out it would be good for you two to get some counseling to work on your relationship if you are able to.

Jonster777 · Joined: 18 Sep 2010 Posts: 13

I know by choosing to try and work things out, I'm not taking the easy path and that's okay with me. I know I want to be with her, but I also want to know that I can trust her again.

She's going to a psychiatrist this week and invited me to come with her, but I told her that I think she needs to go alone first to get herself sorted out. I think that's probably the best thing for her to do because there wasn't anything that I did that led her to cheat. I don't have an income, so I can't go to a doctor, but once she gets everything figured out and when I talk to her on Friday (if she wants to continue in this relationship), then I'll talk about the options of going to therapy together.

Every day is easier than the last, but it's still not going away. I'll have really rough patches in the day that come at random where I fall apart. I've been trying to keep myself occupied with other things and going and spending time with friends, but I can't be with somebody 100% of the day. That percentage of the day that I'm alone is really rough.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

hopefully you will let her pay for you to go to a doctor and get meds if you need them. the trust is going to come with time and it hasn't been that long. good idea about her going to see the pych first then you two going.

Jonster777 · Joined: 18 Sep 2010 Posts: 13

I've gone to a doctor and luckily I haven't contracted anything. I haven't talked to her since last Friday, still, and it's been really rough. Especially today, I'm just not finding the strength to do anything anymore. Can you give me some advice for pushing forward?

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

the funny thing about therapist's well good ones is that they don't give advice they try to get you to figure out what to do because in the end you have to make the decision to push forward. you have already decided that you want to forgive her? not sure what the waiting is for?

Jonster777 · Joined: 18 Sep 2010 Posts: 13

I want her to figure herself out first. I'm willing to forgive her, I just don't really know how I can go about doing that. I've been walking around my apartment all day, trying to get this out of my head, but it just won't go away. I'm done crying about it and it still really hurts. All that keeps going through my head is how she didn't stop at the first kiss. She kept going with this guy. We've talked before, and she was saying that she's only been with one other person and she wanted me to be the last. I don't understand how that's changed.

When this all got revealed to me, I kept asking her, over and over, why and she kept saying she didn't know ...

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

she knows and she will figure it out. i keep on telling you that you are not just going to be able to forgive her, it is going to take time and you are going to have to give yourself time to heal as well. i know its an awful feeling, we have all felt it before but as with any tough situation time eases the pain.

Jonster777 · Joined: 18 Sep 2010 Posts: 13

I'm not going to lie. I'm a man with very little patience. And this is probably the worst situation for that kind of person to be in. I'm not sure that this week off was better for me or worse. I don't like uncertainty and spending a whole week without her, probably wasn't the best thing for me. I'm hoping that it's doing her good and that's what she needed, but I'd rather deal with the issue now rather than sit there and wallow in my own misery. I think it'd be a lot more easier for me to forgive her, if I could be with her. I don't know if that makes any sense, but for once I'm trying not to be selfish and stay away for the time I promised.

Unfortunately, I broke my promise and sent her a text today saying that this was hard and that I didn't think I could make it a week without her. She hasn't responded ...

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

so you will see what happens with her and when she responds to you.

Jonster777 · Joined: 18 Sep 2010 Posts: 13

I told her how hard this week has been for me and she sent me a text back saying:
It's just as hard for me too. You're what I wake up for every day and now that I'm not able to talk to you, it hurts so much.

I think this week apart is hurting me more than it's hurting her because I just want to figure this out as soon as possible.