Can't get over being dumped even tho I didn't love him

Unhappy lady · Joined: 05 Jun 2010 Posts: 5

Hello.

I will sound like a really selfish person but I'm just human and flawed and ultimately very sad. I'm in a long-term relationship with a kind, loving man but have been having an affair with another man on and off for a couple of years. This 'other' man has recently dumped me for a much younger woman.

I can't seem to get to grips with this and feel totally mortified (can't stop crying) even though when I try to think rationally I realise I didn't love him and knew it wouldn't work in the long term and I want to be with my current partner. I can't decide whether I feel this bad because I feel rejected, or jealous or old or something else. I can't talk to anyone as everyone I know would be so judgmental and so I feel very alone. I realise I don't deserve sympathy but I don't know how to move on without talking to anyone.

Please help me work out what's wrong with me.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

you are mourning a loss of a relationship and you should treat it as such. he hurt you and you are hurt regardless of the situation that it occured.

Unhappy lady · Joined: 05 Jun 2010 Posts: 5

Thanks for replying Jennifer.

I know you're right. I don't really know what to do with myself though as I can't talk to anyone and without any support or being able to talk it through I think I'm going to go mad.

I've never been a depressive or overly dramatic personality and this situation is really unusual for me - i.e. to feel so down for days on end and unable to cope with my emotions with nowhere to turn. I feel very empty and not sure how to feel content with life (I suspect this is partly why I had affair in the first place).

Any suggestions on how I can get through this?

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

might be helpful to write it out whether it is in here in a blog or on your own. But as i'm sure you already know, time is the best healer for such things. Yes it would be helpful to you to find out the reason you need to have affairs. Any ideas on why you cheat?

Unhappy lady · Joined: 05 Jun 2010 Posts: 5

Hi.

I've been with my current partner 7 and a half years. I started this affair about 2 and half years ago. I've not cheated with anyone else. I don't think I was looking for an affair and this person who led me stray is a special person - I've often thought about what a future with him would have looked like. Before my current partner I have had several serious relationships (e.g. lasting for 3 ish years each time) but have never strayed before.

I think I'm overly concerned about my age and the pressures I feel it brings - I'm now 35, was 32 when I started the affair. I don't have kids and I feel really under pressure from people around me to start a family - all my friends are in steady relationships with kids (I'm not even sure I want children - again, I'm sure there's something wrong with me but the thought of having children gives me a sense of my life ending and that I'll be a failure at it - I'm very career minded and can't stand the thought of becoming 'mumsy'.) I'm really hating that when I look in the mirror I see more grey hairs, more wrinkles etc and while I would love not to care about these things they really bother me and remind me every day that my prime of life has already passed (and I don't feel I've even grown up yet). I think this has been massively compounded by my lover leaving for someone who is 25 - a real kick in the head.

As I write I'm actually thinking that the affair started shortly after my partner and I discussed having a family. Maybe it was my reaction to that? However, it doesn't really change the fact that I still feel stressed about the whole family issue and so who knows how I can reconcile this in future. On the one hand I do want a family but I think my motives maybe purely selfish - not wanting to be alone - that's so awful isn't it? My partner loves kids and really wants a family - he would be a great dad. Part of me wonders if I should set him free to find this with someone else but he's such a good person, who I feel is exactly the person I need to be with, I don't want to let him go.

Just a bit about the lover - overall he has been a kind and caring man who treated me well and wanted to be with me (obviously not now though). And because of this I've spent a lot of time wondering whether I should have left my current partner and tried to make that relationship work instead. He's a bit younger than my current partner so wasn't focussed on having children. Having now said that, it wouldn't have worked in the long term as I aged and then he would probably have wanted kids eventually.

I'm fed up.

Unhappy lady · Joined: 05 Jun 2010 Posts: 5

I forgot to say that I don't know why I feel so empty and what would help to change that. I literally don't know what I want in life and so I have no idea where to start in order to make things better.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

start journeling, might give you some insight

Unhappy lady · Joined: 05 Jun 2010 Posts: 5

Well it's nearly a month on now and I still haven't managed to move on at all. I still cry every day and feel sick in the pit of my stomach. I can't stop losing weight (and I'm very small as it is so this is a disaster) and can't seem to find anything to focus on to help.

I don't know what to do, I can't see a future for myself at all and can't imagine when I'm ever going to start to feel human again. Why is this taking so long and why is it so painful?

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

I wish I had the cure for heartaache but that is one thing that time is the healer. you have to ask yourself why your not moving forward. you are in a relationship currently. what does he say about how your acting. not sure what your getting out of your current rellationship do you? doesn't seem to be fullfilling your needs on all levels.