Can't control my jealousy over my girlfriends ex...

[barnito]

My best friend and romantic interest and I have been on and off for nearly 5 years. I have known her and her family since she was 13, her older brother is one of my best friends. When we first got together in 04' we were both into one another very much, always attached at the hip, and we both could tell the other "I love you", but she was recently divorced, and became distant and started to pull away. Shortly after this she asked me if she could use me and we became essentially became friends with benefits. I was not happy with this arrangement, but I dealt with it because I was head over heels in love with her. I figured that having her in my life in that capacity was much better than not having her at all. I was wrong, very, very wrong. I dealt with it for a long time. As friends with benefits we could see other people, which I didn't do and she did. also ok in my book, that didn't bother me too much. But she comes to me one day and tells me that she had done something horrible, I had to pry it out of her, and she finally confessed that 2 of my friends who were a couple asked her to join a 3some, which in its self wasn't the issue, but she told me later on that she had fucked the guy after the girl passed out drunk and in her bed no less. I flipped out on the phone, called her a few names and asked her to never call me again, and she complied. I thought that would make it easier to deal with her lack of commitment, but it didn't, I met someone else during this time and we moved in with eachother. Even when I was with another person, I couldn't get her out of my head. The girl I moved in with was killed in a drunk driving accident in 07. I lost my marbles and went on an alcoholic coke binge for 4 months, all the while wishing this girl who was on my mind all that time would talk to me. I finally started talking to her again in feb of 08 because I wanted my friend back, but when I talked to her she made it clear that she had feelings for me and wanted me back. We became close again and in September of 08 got back together. Now I am having problems with trusting because of my past experiences with her, and the fact that the guy she dumped to be with me in 08 keeps offering her things. He offered to buy a bar, and have her co own it. Ordinarily that wouldn't be a problem, but 2 weeks before this he flipped out on her on the phone because she was with me, and kept leaving inappropriate messages on her myspace. I flipped on her both times because I think hes just trying to keep her close in hopes she will change her mind and leave me for him, and the last time I threatened to kill myself, which I know what a dumbass move on my part. I know I am being irrational, and that I need to control my jealousy, but I love this girl so much it hurts. I don't know what to do, because now she doesn't think she can forgive me for my actions as it has happened 3 times before...

Someone give me some advice on this one, I don't want to lose her, but I fear I already have...

[Jennifer]

Hey
sounds as if you love this girl a heck of a lot more than you love yourself. Have you healed from the death of your ex? Is the girl being faithful to you now? I don't think she did anything wrong in the past to you personally because you two were just friends with benefits and sounded as if you couldn't handle it. We all do stupid things in our lives and then hopefully we learn from them and move forward

If you want to move forward with your life and with her you need to deal with the past and stop blamming her for things that she did in the past and try to work on the present and future

[barnito]

I am working on the loving myself part. As far as I know shes faithful, she really is a good person, and I don't believe for a moment she would do that to me. I thought I mourned the death of my girlfriend, but I find myself blaming myself for that. See, she and I went out drinking, we met at the bar in separate vehicles, I had my work vehicle, and she met me there in my car after work. When we were leaving she threw a fit when I wanted to drive her, so much so I got frustrated, and let her drive... she got on the interstate in the wrong direction and killed herself. When I was driving home, I drove down the access road and saw the accident 10 minutes after it happened, they had the interstate closed. I don't blame anyone else but myself for that.

I do love this girl with all my heart, and I honestly know she loves me, and I can't think of anything I want more than to be with her. How do I convince her that I won't do it again? I can't afford to talk to anyone because I recently lost my job, and just having enought to feed myself and my daughter is a chore the way the economy is.

[Jennifer]

First you have to convince yourself then she will see. You cannot really ever convince others of something besides showing them action. Work on yourself, work on getting a job and mourning your ex. When the time is right and if it is right for both of you, it will work out because it is supposed to not because it is toxic and confusing or just plain wrong.

[barnito]

I am working on the loving myself... I looked for work today, and I won 100 bucks! only had to spend 3 dollars to get it too... I think she has forgiven me for my behavior, she kissed me when I went to see her today, and told me she loves me on the phone. I feel alot better... I need to keep telling myself I am good enough.... because I know I am!!!!

[Jennifer]

Great to hear. May today be as great as yesterday and yes remind yourself how great you are all the time. That is one thing we always forget to do. take care of yourself first and the rest will fall into place.