Blurred roles or is it me?

[CoolMom]

I am a 47 year old divorced mother of three, ages 20 & 17 (twins). One is in college, two are in high school. I have been going with a man steadily for a year and have known him for almost two years. He is 43, divorced and has one daughter, 22.

I have always felt his relationship with his daughter was unusual. He has always seemed to almost love her to the point of being irrational.

The first time I spoke to him on the telephone, almost two years ago, he informed me, "nothing will come between us" meaning he and his daughter. I thought it was an unusual thing to say, but also he was new to dating and maybe weary of others motivations.

At some point in time I thought it strange when he told me that he would take her shopping and they would go to VS and that she was part of the panty of the week club. After he told me this story a number of times I told him I thought it was inappropriate for a man to take his daughter to VS and pick out underwear; that either she should do that herself or with her mother, lover or females friends, but not with her father.

Another somewhat disturbing story was one he told me a repeatedly of how his daughter was accepted by his boating friends, how cute she looked in her bikini and how she made some entertaining remark that made everyone laugh.

When I met her boyfriend, despite his disparaging remarks, I said, "well he seems pretty friendly". It was then that my boyfriend informed me of some weird "Jerry Springer" situation that occurred between his daughter's boyfriend and his ex wife. At that time I told him he needed to inform his daughter of the same. He refused, saying she would not believe him. He and I went back and forth on this subject a number of times and I told him than at no point should a parent fail to let their child know if they are in some kind of hideous situation or danger. I said, even if I was the perpetrator of some illicit affair with my daughter's boyfriend, even if I had crossed some despicable line, I love my child enough to tell her, "this is NOT the man to make the father of your children". I would not keep that secret. At one point when it seemed his daughter and this boyfriend would part ways, he did tell her what he believed to be true. Instead of what I expected, that she would reject the boyfriend forever and move on, it reinforced their relationship and she closed her father out to some degree. She didn't believe him. The ex-wife and boyfriend denied it. And now....even I wonder. I wonder if everyone believes that my boyfriend is capable of irrational behavior and they have all just accepted it.

Since I've known him, there were other references to his daughter's hottness, cuteness, smartness etc. etc.

I have three kids. I understand what it is to be proud of them and their accomplishments. I understand how it feels when you seem to have nothing going for you but how well your kids are doing. I understand that they can feel like little trophys or accomplishments, validating that you did something right. I get all that.

I used to get irritated that he and his ex wife would, at his initiation, have these "family meetings" every so often to discuss the daughter's latest issues. She would not call her parents. She would overspend. Her bank account would go in the red. She would exceed her credit cards at various clothing stores, including VS. She would fail a college class. She would go with a boy that would do bad things. Her cell phone was broken. Her roommates were mean. She needed to move. She was cheating on her boyfriend or he was cheating on her or both. Etc. etc.

I always thought he dealt with this near adult as if she were a spoiled child. I said: "if she won't return her mother's call, take her cell phone away! You pay for it." "If she overspends, deduct it from her next month's budget money." "If fails a class, make her quit her job deduct some of her spending money." I didn't think there needed to be a "family meeting" for these things. I had a daughter in college also and never had these kinds of issues with her.

In all these various family meetings, his daughter never mentioned that she elected to stop taking the birth control she had been on since the age of 14 because it was making her sick (again). So instead of completing college, she is working her part time job, living with her boyfriend in a trailer and expecting the birth of her first child which she says is due in December, but I feel may come earlier.....but within enough time to disway any chance paternity is a question.

In his eyes, the sun rises and sets in her and she will be held harmless for any thoughtless decisions.

He's more excited about the arrival of her child than the father. He's paid for the nursery, helping plan and decorate, can't wait for the baby shower, does not like to see other people's babies as he couldn't bear to compare them with "his", calling her "just to say I love you" and even at one point didn't know who I was talking about when I mentioned the child's father by name. He said, "who's that?"

Is he an lonesome man excited about his first grandchild and I'm a jealous crazy old bitch or is there something about this that is not ...... normal?

[Jennifer]

Hey
You are talking about a very difficult subject in this country when it comes to blended families. You and your boyfriend are not even married and it seems have extremely different takes on parenting. It seems as if you have a problem with his parenting style which I'm sure also reflects in other areas of his life or maybe not. Sounds as if she is for sure has the only child syndrome and as far as inappropriate goes, I can't really say but you are much closer to the situation and it seems to bother you to the point where you are talking about it. As the grandchild gets born, i'm sure there will be more issues that arise and he will feel more responsbilbe to take care of his daughter/granddaughter.

Are there other problems in your relationship or is this it? Do you too live together and are you thinking of a life together?

Your main question of is this relationship okay is not one I can answer without knowing more. You are asking if there is something else going on and if so that is not something to take lightly but I'm getting the information from a 3rd party and would not speculate on such things without further information.