Animosity

[victg]

I have a friend and have blurred the line, and have crossed over in to the realms of relationship we talk for countless hours daily, at times up to 6 hrs. when we see each other in we can all talk all night we have seen the sun rise, most the time having meaningful conversations mixed with silly banter. good times.

The problem: I have become friends with her female best friend and her husband. When we all get together, she has animosity towards me, she never shows me the affection she shows me when we are one on one, unless we are left alone, then she lets it all out with passionate embraces. why does she feel such anger towards me in front of others? I have been nothing but good to her.

Background;
we have been friend for almost 20 years.
we used to not hang out in person as much until the last 6 months
i dated her sister 10 yrs ago which wants us to get together(ever one her family friends want us together).

let me know what your thoughts are?

thank you so much in advanced.

[Jennifer]

sounds like she is conflicted about the status of your relationship. when you are with others, she does more the friend thing and when alone more the relationship thing. can you talk to her about it? find out how she feels and maybe you both can figure out what is going on. keep me posted.

[victg]

we have spoken, we talk about most every thing, she has decided to seek counseling.

I was thinking that maybe she is not quite comfortable being with me one on one much less with other people around.

we went camping this last weekend, and she was mean to me on the first night and her friend called her out on it, the following day she felt bad and was thinking about what she did and she made and effort to be nice. later that night we all had a few drink by the fire pit, and we started to talk about every thing in a very open manner, (her friend was there also). we told each other the things that were on our mind, and she gets up from her seat give me her hand as to signal her coming to me, then realizes that her friend is still there, and sits back down in her seat. Her friend comments that we are dumb and that she is going to leave so we can "make out" (her joking but not really) and leaves, then my friend gets up and comes to me and sits on my lap and starts to hug me with so much passion. don't know if this gives you better insight.

[Jennifer]

sounds like she is confused? did she tell you the reason she is confused and why she is seeking counseling? I know this is hard to hear, but you might just need to give her some space and let her work out what she needs to work out. Sometimes that is the best medicine out there. Then when she is ready, she will come to you with a open mind and heart.

[victg]

every time I say we just need some time apart, she cant stay away, some times she is only able to stay away for a couple of days with out giving in. the longest she was able to abstain was one week. its seems she cant deal with me not being there, but then i am around, and we get around other people she doesn't know how to act. i asked her about her confusion and she doesn't know either, which is why she is wanting to go to therapy.

So it would not be wise to spend some one on one time, to see if she can get comfortable with the idea? I was thinking that she would get comfortable being with me, then she it might become second nature with her friends.

its just hopeful thinking huh?

[Jennifer]

you have know this women for 20 years you say, if she is not comfortable with you now, then that is on her. Of course she cannot stay away, you love her and make her feel special. This is up to her to figure out how to do that. You do not need to stay away, but you need to back off and let her work this out. You cannot do this for her, she needs to be ready and you can be ready when she is. Yeah, if only we could wish and make it all happen I do believe in positive energy though so I would encourage you to stay positive.

[victg]

comfortable, in the sense of romantically. also does all the cheerleaders(family and friends) that want us to get together, put undue pressure on her? she is very comfortable just her and I, its only with our/her friends.

[Jennifer]

then she is not comfortable with the idea of you and her together as a couple no matter how she is alone and that should not be okay with you. She needs to make a decision.

[victg]

i feel like such an advice hog!

what does all the emotional relief she feels once she is alone with me mean. so the only reason she doesnt want to let me move on is because of how I make her feel? I wrote her an email on sunday that i will include in this post. let me know if this is the right path to take.

Sandy,

I write to you so that you have time to think about what your going
to answer. I know we have touched on this issue for quite a
bit, but i just find my self confused all around. I don't understand
certain things. I don't understand your animosity towards me? I don't
understand how we can be so close and so distant in a matter of
seconds?

I don't even know what its like to be your friend anymore.
I haven't put any pressure on you about anything, so I don't understand
your reaction towards me Thursday night. It seems you don't like me
to be away from you, yet when i come around you don't know how to
act, we can talk for hours, but when were not alone we don't talk for
five min's

I hate to be so close to you, yet have to be so distant.

I feel the affection you give me is random in nature, I just happen
to be there and maybe its not really directed towards me? I wish I
could say that you need me as much as you at times display, but you
might just be lonely.

I think that all your friendship credits are being exhausted, you see
I have been running on memories of who we used to be, not even
romantically anymore just as a friend, and with the exception of the
the night I spent with you, there has not been proper
equilibrium in our friendship. The potential that exist is so
amazing, but it seems thats all it is, is potential.

you don't have
to respond via email you can call if you like, but i think you find
writing a much better Vehicle.

[Jennifer]

I think you two are way past the point of friendship and you cannot go back. It doesn't even matter what she is like when you are alone, the fact that she is confused, means she is confused and she needs to figure it out and for the both of you, I hope she does.