Anger

[frustrated husband]

My wife and I had another huge fight today. First of all, a couple of days
ago I hurt my toe and lost the toenail on my pinky toe. So, today I
accidentally hit that toe against something and was screaming in pain. My
wife comes down the stairs screaming "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!" I couldn't answer because I was in too much pain. I'm pointing and instead of being caring she says "use your words." At this point I'm in so much pain that I can't talk. She finally understands that I meant my toe but she continues to yell, "WHAT DID YOU DO?!" She doesn't ask me if I'm ok. I get pissed and go up to the room we're using in her mother's house while they're in Florida and start gathering my stuff to leave. She comes up and blocks the door. I ask her to please move out of my way multiple times and she refuses to budge. Eventually, I grab her around the trunk and pick her up and move past. Somehow she says that this is hitting. I don't agree, I see it as trying to get past without resorting to pushing, and since she's imprisoning me in the room, its the best option to get out. Next, she goes and grabs my Laptop and refuses to hand it over, so I had to snatch it out of her hands, this somehow ALSO becomes me hitting her in her mind. At this point she starts hitting me, so I smacked her on the shoulder. She hits me in the head. I started walking away and she throws a sandal at me. I throw it back. She throws a slipper at me and hits me in the head with it, so I hit her in the head with it. I leave, and all of a sudden she starts texting me telling me that if I don't come back and beg for her forgiveness she will send the pictures of bruises to my family and to the school so she can ruin my life (by the way, she's been getting bruises for nothing lately, she showed me three just yesterday and complained that she hadn't even bumped against anything to get them). I don't know what to do anymore. Why won't she just let me leave. I'm tired of fighting and its obviously never going to stop. What can I do?

[Jennifer]

Sorry about your frustration and I am at a loss because you have so much more to this story than what happened with your toe and you are asking for help at the end of your rope which most people do when they seek out therapy.

If its not too frustrating, need more background. You mention that you are living at her mom's house, whats the story there? Has your fights lead to physical violence between the two of you before? When you say that you want to leave, does that mean to blow off steam or leave for good? Do you have children? How long have you been together and do you remember when things got bad?

Lets start there and see if we can piece this together.

[frustrated husband]

We're not living there, we are House-sitting while they are in Florida

[frustrated husband]

We've had problems before and they're always the same pattern. That's why I was trying to leave in the first place. The problem now is that she's holding this over my head but at the same time not letting me leave.

[Jennifer]

you keep on saying not letting you leave??? what exactly is she holding over your head that is more important than both of you cooling off and reducing your tension level. sounds as if you both need a break to think about things and see things clearly. Way too much anger is affecting any progress right now. Have you two been in counseling before? Do you want to work on your relationship?

[frustrated husband]

She's holding those pictures over my head, which is bull because she had just shown me the day before that she was getting bruises that she couldn't explain. Since I'm a medical student she's threatening to send them to my school so she can get me kicked out.

[Jennifer]

have you been in counseling before? do you have children? do you want to work on the relationship? does she? why does she want you to stay?

[frustrated husband]

I'm in counseling now. My therapist knows the situation. She says she wants to work things out from one side of her mouth and that our marriage is over with the other. She tells me to get out whenever she's upset but makes threats when I do. She's the most frustrating person.

[Jennifer]

if your in counseling now, what are you doing on here?? do you want to stay in the relationship? do you have kids?

have you noticed that i keep on asking you the same questions and only get half responses, is that one of her complaints that you don't communicate well?

[frustrated husband]

Wow, forget you then. 90% of your patients must shoot themselves from your confrontational style. Have fun berating people

[Jennifer]

nah, just trying to get you to open up about what is going on and point out that you don't answer questions. good luck to you and your family