Am I being too needy?

[Deb]

Hi Jennifer,

I will start by giving you a brief history up to this point and then I'll go from there.

I have known my current husband and his family since he was a teenager. We started a relationship when I divorced my previous husband. We lived together for years before we married and we have now been married for 11 years. One of the reasons I was attracted to my current husband is that he is very caring and involved with friends and family. He has a big heart and would do anything for anyone. Over the years that quality has begun to be a big problem for me.

I think just about every member in his family has stayed with us for periods of time, borrowed money, etc.... The worst offender is his brother who is married to an alcoholic and has responsibility issues with money, etc. Over the years we have paid for doctors, dentists, utilities, clothes for his children, etc. He is constantly fighting with his wife and leaving because she is violent and coming with his son to spend the night at our house. This happens on a minimum 1 night a week to sometimes 5 nights a week.

We also have his cousin and his cousin's friend who live in another state that are here working and renting rooms from people. They are bored and lonely being away from home and they like to come here at least 2 times or more a week and just hang out and visit or stay for dinner.

My husband and his brother own a construction company together (that is another problem for another day). My brother-in-law has been having medical problems for the last couple of weeks and my husband has been having to work 7 days a week 12 hour days to keep up with things.

Now here's the problem. I have mostly gone along with the program over the years with the constant family, friends, etc. I don't like it but it's obvious over the years that he does and won't change. I've been trying to talk to him about needing more time alone together and he always says ok but then doesn't do it. Basically blowing me off and trying to shut me up. Now that he's working so many hours we have even less time together and are never alone anymore or he goes to bed early because he is tired from working so much. I've been trying not to make an issue of it right now because I know he is so stressed out about work and exhausted but he's been picking up on me having something on my mind.

He called me from work today and said that he can tell I have a problem about something and it is distracting him at work so just tell him what is going on. I told him that when I have told him I need more alone time with him and he makes no effort to be alone with me, it makes me feel like our relationship is not a priority to him and that my feelings don't matter. He then replied that he's sorry that he's been so busy but we'll go on a vacation when he gets caught up at work. I told him that his working was not my problem. All the people hanging out at our house so we are never alone is my problem. He said that when someone has a problem, is lonely, needs a place to stay, etc. that if they call he will not tell them they can't come over. I told him this tells me that everyone else and their problems are a priority over me, my feelings, and our marriage. He basically told me that he is too stressed out at work to deal with my, and I quote "little problems" and that the situation is not going to change and if I don't like it he will move out.

Now let me first state that I am in no way a needy, whiny, person who can't function without constant attention from my husband. In fact I am just the opposite. So I'm feeling especially hurt that on one of the few times I make an issue of something I am being blown off like this.

I have tried talking to friends and family about this situation and the responses I get are either "don't put up with it! Kick him out!" to "you have to be there for your family. Don't make him choose".

I have such a hard time understanding my own feelings and thoughts that I swing back and forth between the two options constantly. I'm trying to take today's phone call in the context that he is VERY overworked and stressed out right now but I am also tired of the subject being dropped with nothing changing and everything staying the same.

I'm hoping you can help me get some clarity on the situation. Thanks.

[Jennifer]

Tough situation you are in and what you said in the begining is the truth. The quality that you loved the most about him, his caring, give to anyone ways is what is causing the problems right now. The funny thing about relationships is 99% of the time, it is our own problem and not the other persons. He does not see what he does as a problem, you do so you will have to decide how you want to deal with it.

Yes, right now it is hard because he needs to work more and in this economy any job you have you better work hard to keep it. What do you want to do? You say that you have put up with it all along, did something change or happen that makes things different now? When his brother gets better and your husband works less will things be less stressful for the two of you. Are there kids involved in this picture?

Lets start there.

[Deb]

We have always had the problem with his brother. I guess you could say I have tolerated it in a not so healthy way. I know my husband won't change so when his brother comes over I can just look at his brother and feel a lot of built up anger and then I am mean to him. I think it's more noticeable now because his cousin and his friend are in the mix now too so we REALLY don't have much time together. That is why I feel so frustrated. I just want him to tell them no sometimes so we can be alone and he doesn't seem to want to do that. At least that is the way I take it.

I love him to death but sometimes I feel like I'm the only one making any effort here. I told him I feel like I'm just here to be the maid for him and his friends. I understand what you said about it being my problem and deciding how to deal with it. I'm trying to compromise with him and just have "some" alone time and he's doesn't even seem willing to do that. I guess that is why I'm so upset. I tend to keep things to myself (I'm not a nagger), we rarely argue about anything, but you would think I was asking him to kick a puppy or something.

My husband also has a drinking problem. A couple of years ago it was really out of control and I was going to leave him so he shaped up (kind of). He was only drinking occasionally and no hard alcohol. Over the last year he's been drinking more and more and now it's hard alcohol again (he denies it). That kind of makes me feel like we have no future because if he starts getting out of control again I will have to leave. I don't want to expect it to get worse but my experience with alcoholism is that it will probably get worse before it gets better. That makes me sad to think that I feel so fatalistic about our relationship.

Since my last post I got a call from my husband and his brother is in the hospital now, so I know he needs me to be supportive now more than ever. I'm just afraid that if I let this drop now out of consideration for his stress it will just keep on going (he's always stressed about something).

I have a son from a previous marriage but he's grown and out of the house.

[Jennifer]

Well instead of focusing on his giving to others and not to you, you might try on focusing how you can improve your relationship as a couple because that is what you want and all of the other stuff gets in the way. I'm sure that once it gets brought up about him helping he immediately shuts down altogether so it would be in your best interest to leave that part out and try to work on your relationship as a unit and see eye to eye on this issues. If he is not willing to work with you as a couple that is another problem altogether and will need to be addressed.

[Deb]

Thanks Jennifer for giving me an unbiased viewpoint.

I will cut him some slack right now and see what we can work out when he is not so consumed with work. I'd rather have a good relationship instead of being "right".

BTW I had to laugh when you mentioned him "shutting down". I can picture the glazed look that comes over his face right now!

Thanks a million for your help. This forum is wonderful!

[Jennifer]

No problem, i have a husband and i get the rolled eyes and the bah from him from time to time. It is just a compromise being in a relationship, even me that knows all the right things to do. Tonight I encouraged him to exercise and there was a show that I wanted to watch. I started watching it but realized he wouldn't leave if I kept on watching it. So i will wait for him to get back. Life in a relationship is a constant compromise battle. Thank goodness for DVR, I think the pause button has saved more than one relationship