Am I The Blame

tah · Joined: 14 Aug 2008 Posts: 8

My husband and I got married in 2005 I only lived with him for a period of five months and left because of his drug use and he refused to work. At the time I was pregnant. I was 40 years old when I had my daughter. I spent the entire pregnancy alone, I had my family as support but he didn't do anything. After I had the baby I wanted so much for our family to work out that I moved back in and only stayed a month and took our baby and left cause he hadn't changed at all. We still talked throughout our whole seperation and on this past Monday he called me to tell me he met someone else. I am happy for him but at the same time pissed in a sense because all I do is work and raise my daughter. He has never helped with anything and I felt like if he didn't take initiative on his own to do something then it is his loss. Why do I feel empty though in a sense. I would never ever live with him again nor subject my daughter to his lifestyle but I still have this empty feeling. I guess I thought that since I dedicated my time to making sure my daughter had everything she needs and in order to provide that I work full time I just assumed he would quit living or something. I know it is selfish of me to even think like that but I do. I could use someones input especially if they have been through anything similiar.

tah · Joined: 14 Aug 2008 Posts: 8

I needed to add this also, my husband told me that he felt I didn't try hard enough to make us work and that he was left out alot. I probably could have done more but in all honesty after working all day and coming home and spending quality time with my daughter the idea of going out just wasn't that appealing. I get up at 5 am every morning and don't get back home until 6. He claims if I had loved him more then it would have worked.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

Hello:
Well, firstly, you have every right to feel whatever it is that you want to feel. Did you want to try with your husband to make it work? How did you want him to change? Sounds like you two started off with additional stress of a pregnancy and drug use (not together). Does he help financially with your daughter and does he still want to be involved in her life?

tah · Joined: 14 Aug 2008 Posts: 8

He has never helped financially with my daughter. Never bought anything or provided anything. Let me back up I met this man a few months after losing my dad and I wasn't in the best frame of mind. Under normal circumstances I would have never gotten mixed up with him due to his lifestyle. It is now like he was my security blanket, even though we were not together I felt like I always had him. Why would I even want someone who never provided for his daughter. That is where I wonder about my sanity on this issue. He has stated that he would like to visit with our daughter once we do get divorced but he hasn't stated exactly what type of visitation. I doubt seriously that the courts would even allow visitation and to be honest I dont think that he would fight for them.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

Well, you brought up some interesting points. Did he help you with your father? Are you raising your daughter the same or different than your parents raised you. You are right, he would have to pay child support in order to get visitation.

If there was sanity in relationships, there would not be so many. This is about feelings and feeling betrayed at how he can move on and not want to try with you. Has nothing to do with what you want from him. What do you want from him anyways?

Are you dating? Or have you dated since your relationship with him?

tah · Joined: 14 Aug 2008 Posts: 8

No he wasn't in my life at all during that with my dad. I haven't dated since I met him and really don't forsee me doing it again. My main focus has been and is my daughter. I guess as pathetic as it sounds I wanted him to wake up and realize what a beautiful daughter he has and how we could have all had a great family life together but he isn't going to do that. I wanted something that was totally out of the realm of what would happen. He ran around on me several times throughout our relationship and I use to be so strong that if that would have happened to me before I would cut that person out of my life but for some reason he (my husband) is almost like a drug to me. All I wanted to do was raise my child and have a happy family like what I was raised in.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

Not pathetic, hopeful. Did he abuse you? Or have you been abused in the past? Why would you ward off future relationships? If you had hope that he would change, why not have hope that you could find someone else that is right for you?

tah · Joined: 14 Aug 2008 Posts: 8

He had hit me a couple of times during the first few months we lived together. I am warding off future relationship possibilities because I don't want to risk my daughter or myself getting close to someone else and then having them let us down. I want only the best for her and I need to be able to devote my full attention and love towards her to in a sense make up for what she may feel like she is missing by not having her dad in her life.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

I could have guess that he was abusive to you. Every time you get involved in a relationship there is a risk of getting hurt. Does your daugther miss her dad? Does she talk about him? How do you handle that now.

I know you love your daughter, but I have seen way too many people use their children as reasons why they will not trust other people. The two have nothing to do with each other. Have you been hurt in the past before your husband?

tah · Joined: 14 Aug 2008 Posts: 8

My daughter rarely asks about her dad and when she does I explain to her that he loves her but is busy right now. She is only two so that pacifies her for now. I won't drag her into the issues that he and I had I love her far too much for that. She and I have happy times together and she loves being with me and my mom. I should go back and say I won't rule out a relationship in the future but I feel for now that it is prolly best that I don't entertain the notion because it wouldn't be fair to the individual I got involved with. I guess that it was just a "hard pill to swallow" being replaced in a sense when I hadn't done anything wrong. I was so fortunate growing up to be in a loving family that was together that I have a fear that my daughter will feel like I let her down because I didn't make this marriage work.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

Sounds like you are getting the better deal in the bargin. The one that is "replacing" you has to live with him and you get to move forward and upwards with your life.

That is great that you grew up in a loving household and sounds like you are doing the same for your daughter. Is your family close by? Do you have support around you?

tah · Joined: 14 Aug 2008 Posts: 8

My daughter and I live with my mom. I pay my mom to watch my daughter while I work during the day so I am most fortunate. I do realize that our life will be better by breaking all ties with him. It just made me upset with myself that I would miss him.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

The sooner you allow yourself to feel and go through the heartache, the sooner you will be able to move on. Resisting it will only prolong it. Take a day and have a break-up day (in your mind) and go through the regrets and sorrows, then wake-up the next day and move forward. Of course if you need more than one day take it. The point is for you to be in charge of your own feelings, NOT HIM.

tah · Joined: 14 Aug 2008 Posts: 8

You are right and thank you so much for listening to me. I am not one to burden people with my problems but it felt good to be able to say what I needed to without being judged. Again thank you

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

No problem this is the place to let your feelings out and talk without judgement. Let us know how it goes.