Advice please, considering separation?

lsjinkins · Joined: 10 Sep 2008 Posts: 3 Location: florida

I hope I can find someone to help me out here, and hopefully not judge me.
I am 25 and have been married to my husband for almost 2 years now. I knew he looked at porn magazines before we got together, but now that we are married, I feel he should be lusting over me only.
Once my husband discovered free internet porn, it was on! Every chance he gets at work (he drives around all day) when he can get a wireless connection to his laptop, and even at home when I am in the next room. He has HUNDREDS of saved pictures and videos now.
I feel it is emotional cheating, even though our sex life is good. (I go through the motions and act aroused, but all I can think about is if he's imagining me as someone else)
I am extremely depressed about this, and I have tried to talk to him about it, but he gets angry and defensive. At one time he put a profile on a site for 1 on 1 sex, but told me when I found it that he was just trying to get pictures. He realized it was wrong and apologized. I even tested him with a fake myspace profile, and even though he would talk dirty with this girl (extremely graphic, made me physically ill) he told her he wasn't interested in meeting her.
I feel alone. I am home all day with our 2 kids, while he is at work looking at this stuff instead of calling me to say hi or maybe send me a naughty email?!? Am I not attractive or desireable enough to want to talk dirty with? I feel undesireable and ugly, no matter how many times he tells me hes attracted to me and I turn him on.
I tried taking some pictures of myself, even some videos for him to look at on his laptop, but spy software has shown me he does not even open the files, he hasn't since I put them on there.
He promised he wouldnt look at it at work and he lied.
I am considering separation. I love this man with all my heart and soul, he is my soul mate, but I can't live this way. I am taking out my hurt on my kids, pushing them away and telling them to go play, so I can sit and try and figure out how to cope with the hurt and dissapointment. He knows it hurts me to no end, but says every guy does it and there's nothing wrong with it, and he won't stop "casually surfing".
I want to tell him "If I leave, and you still insist on looking at porn instead of trying to fix our relationship, it's over"

I have never spoke about this to anyone. I need help so badly. I am so broken, so hurt. I can't stop crying about it, and it consumes my mind every day. Someone please help me, I don't want to separate, but I want him to understand that this is a serious problem for me, and it hurts so bad I am willing to leave.
Please someone give me some advice!

PS. He will not go to counseling, I have tried that, he says he doesn;t have a problem. But isn't your wife being unhappy and feeling insecure and unwanted a problem??

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

Yes it is a problem, but it is your problem He does not have a problem with his behavior, you have a problem with his behavior. The first question is why did you think things would be different after marriage?

lsjinkins · Joined: 10 Sep 2008 Posts: 3 Location: florida

So him having cyber sex with some other woman seems okay? We talked about it last night in depth, and he finally admitted having a problem. So this site stinks, you all give horrible advice. Thanks for nothing.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

I am glad that he admitted that he has a problem and hopefully he will get the help that he needs. Is he willing to get help? Does he have a sexual addition problem? We have an assessment on sex addiction if you want to give it to him.

What I said was that it was something that was on your mind and it sounds like you did the right thing and talked to him about it. No, cybersex is not okay nor going out of the relationship to get intimacy is okay which is what he was doing.

Are there intimacy problems between you two?

lsjinkins · Joined: 10 Sep 2008 Posts: 3 Location: florida

No, there aren't any intimacy problems. We have a healthy sex life. I think he did the chat because he thought I wouldn't find out. He said it was wrong and he was sorry, and I did find out she wanted to meet him in person, and he told her he was not interested in meeting her in person, that he loved his wife and the chat was just for fun. We have worked out a solution and he started this morning by giving me his internet adapter from his laptop so he couldn't go online at work anymore.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

Okay, that is a great start and hopefully you two can get back the trust and intimacy in your relationship Very Happy

persephone81 · Joined: 21 Dec 2008 Posts: 4

I'm new to this site, so I apologize if you are gone before you read this... there is a real problem call porn addiction. It might be worth talking to a therapist about... even though your husband won't go, doesn't mean that you cannot go and talk to someone about your feelings. I hope that it gets better and that you and your husband can work through this.

persephone81 · Joined: 21 Dec 2008 Posts: 4

I'm new to this site, so I apologize if you are gone before you read this... there is a real problem call porn addiction. It might be worth talking to a therapist about... even though your husband won't go, doesn't mean that you cannot go and talk to someone about your feelings. I hope that it gets better and that you and your husband can work through this.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

Agreed porn addiction is real and the internet does not help things with making it ready 24/7. When you are in a relationship, there are understated rules about cheating and you as a couple should figure out what those are before moving too forward in your relationship.

When you feel undesirable and unattractive and this happens with a lot with newborns, it is important to remember that you are also a person and a couple which both need attending too. Yes, easier said than done, but still important none the less.