27 days...and counting

[Jennifer]

Honestly, they are right about this one. If you had an agreement with your boss and in the future this might be a good idea to get it in writing. Sounds as if they said okay, but still wanted you there at 9. Your day care schedule made it impossible for you to get there at 9.

There is no easy answer to balance work and kids. Even with all the laws out there, there is still the assumption that you will put work before your job. If you don't have your agreement with your boss in writing then, the judge will probably side with the company because i'm sure they have an employee handbook that has the hours and that you signed it (or maybe I'm wrong), but employee handbook trumps verbal agreements.

Next job you will have to give yourself more than a 10 minute window, you were setting yourself up for failure on that one and you might have to bite the bullet on this one and make it a learning lesson.

Good luck at the hearing though, who knows what might happen.

[TwinkleJ]

So much has happened since I wrote last. My husband got out of jail May 30th, and things were great at first...Then, at 2am Friday morning, I got a call from my mom telling me that my Grandmother (my Dad's mother) had passed away. She had been sick for a while now, but was to be getting out of a nursing home on May 15th...She had a high fever Wednesday, and was admitted to the hospital. The Doctor's said she had a real bad urinary tract infection, and put her on intravenous antibiotics, but also said that her kidneys were giving out. They gave her kidneys 2-3 months. Friday around 1:00am, the nurse went in to check on her, and asked if she was okay. She said yes, and that she was leaving with her mother. By 1:30, she was gone. I was not as close to her now as I had been when I was a child, but I still loved her very much and have been very grief stricken since her death. After I hung up the phone from my mom, my husband held me for a minute or so until I calmed down, and went to sleep. Later that day, he went to work, and I went up to be with my family at my grandfather's house. My Grammy (that is what we called her) was Catholic, so there are specific traditions in a Catholic Funeral. They set the wake (like a viewing) for Sunday (Mother's Day) and the Funeral for Monday at 11am. My husband had made plans to go to his parent's house Sunday to visit since he had not seen them since he got out of jail, and when I told my parents that we had to go visit them Sunday, my dad (who is obviously very very saddened over losing his mother) seemed to be a little disappointed that I would leave on Sunday for a little while. My mom explained to me that it is tradition for the immediate family to be at the funeral home for the entire day during the wake. They had asked to have a break between the morning and evening viewings so that the family may have a break to eat, and my mom said that if I were to leave, that would be the best time to do so, but it was only a two hour break. My husband changed plans with his parents so that they would come here to visit, and we would go to the funeral home in the afternoon, and then I would go back alone after we ate dinner. He was very insensitive to the fact that I wanted to spend so much time with my family during this hard time. He said that it seemed like they were making me feel obligated to spend the whole day Sunday with them, and I had to stand up and say no, but it wasn't like that at all. I just didn't understand the Catholic traditions, so I wasn't sure how the wake would be.

So, Saturday I had to go out and get funeral clothes for the kids, a dress for myself, and shoes for my husband. It all started when he didn't want to go shopping with me. I really didn't want to be alone, but I went without him, and he stayed home and played Xbox. I came home so we could eat dinner, but still hadn't found anything for the kids to wear, so after we ate, we all went out then and also got Mother's day flowers for our mothers. He told me to pick out flowers for myself, and I tried not to get upset, because he can't drive by himself to get me something. He went to the card area, and I went somewhere else so he could get me a card. When we got home, he started cleaning the house because his parents were coming over, and I went upstairs to put the baby to sleep so I could help. I fell asleep with the baby by accident, I was so tired...and at 1:45am, he came up and was all mad that I had fallen to sleep and turned the lights on to wake me up to help him. I thought this was very insensitive since it was the day before mothers day and he wasn't even willing to clean the house by himself for me to rest before my grandmothers wake. I got up and did the dishes, and cleaned up the kitchen, then we went to bed.

We got up early Sunday to finish cleaning, and I remembered that I had told my mother that I would put together a collage of pictures of my Grammy to be displayed at the wake. She had stopped at our house the night before, but we were out, so she just took the stuff home. I called her, and went to her house to get the pictures and poster board to put them on. My husband was very mad that I had to do the collage, and he had to finish cleaning by himself. He acted very harshly toward me, and didn't even tell me happy Mother's day. My son gave me a card and something he had made me at school, but my husband didn't get me a card, even though he had time to pick one out the night before. I got back from my mom's (I was gone an hour because she let me go through her jewelry to pick out something to wear to the wake and funeral), and my husband had made breakfast while I was gone for my oldest son and himself. My tummy rumbled, but he didn't save me any, or offer to make me some...even on mother's day. I started to put together the collage, and I heard him flipping out in the kitchen because something had spilled and got moldy in the back of the refrigerator. He called me a disgusting pig and told me to get in there and clean it up. He threw out some more insults and I cleaned it up because he had done something and whatever was moldy was spilling out of the fridge, so I had to. I didn't get the collage done until it was time to get ready to leave, so I told my parent's that I was going to be a little late and they understood. My husband however, still mad about the collage, got my oldest son ready and they went out to the car, leaving me to get ready with the baby crying, and no help at all. They waited in the car for a half hour while I got ready.

We got to the wake around 1:15, but my husband wouldn't go with me to the casket to see my Grammy. So I went alone. I started sobbing, and my Dad was there to hold me and we both cried. After we were done crying, my husband came up and shook my dad's hand, but didn't say "Sorry" or anything. My dad thanked him for coming, and he shook his head and all he said was said sure. After a little while, we had to leave because he told his parents to be at our house at 3, but didn't tell me, and the break wasn't until 4. I gave everyone hugs and told them I would be back. We went back to our house, and his parents arrived. I went upstairs to change because it was too cold to wear a dress, so I put pants on. I got downstairs and everyone was still sitting in my living room, and my husband smartly tells me that everyone is waiting on me...but it didn't look that way to me...anyway, we left. When we got to the restaurant (which was buffet style), we went to find tables, and I was first, so I sat my stuff down at two tables, and my husband walked right by me and picked out different tables...that I didn't pick on purpose because one of the tables was broken. I was upset because I felt like he purposely picked different tables, so I went over to him and said, " I set my stuff down at that table because this one is broken." He said, "You need to drop the attitude. You're being a real b*tch" I pushed on the table so he could see it was wobbly, and said "Look, it's broken" He huffed and puffed, and switched it with another table.

We ate dinner and he didn't talk to me at all. His mother asked me about my grandmother, and I talked to her about it a little...but it was more than he had asked me about her, so it was nice to talk to someone about it. Then, it was time for me to leave because I told my parents I would be back before 6, and it was 5:45...and my mother-in-law said she would take them back to our house if I wanted to leave. I went into the game room where my husband was, and told him that I had to leave, and he said they were leaving with me...then was smart with me again. I said, "Are you even going to tell me happy mother's day" and he said "No." NO?? What did I do wrong? All I wanted was for him to be understanding and be there for me during the death of my grandmother, and he couldn't do that because he was mad that I put together a collage for her instead of helping him clean the house for his parents? I don't see why we couldn't have gone to see them next weekend, they even said that they would understand if we had to reschedule. Yes, I was upset but only because he was being so insensitive, and acting like there was something wrong with me wanting to spend time with my family. I was there for him when his grandfather died, and I just wanted a shoulder to cry on. After a couple minutes, he still wasn't getting ready to go, and I was so upset over what he had said that I told him I was leaving. His mother told me goodbye, and I hugged her and she said that it would be alright...and I said maybe if Jeremy wasn't being so mean to me. I went out to the car, taking my youngest son with me, and sobbing. Then I had to go back in because I had taken the house key...and my husband said bye to me then, and I kissed my oldest son bye. I hated leaving like that, but I didn't want to disappoint my family because I was waiting for him. Why couldn't he be more understanding??? WHY? It's like he thought I was causing his family to wait at our house, so he was going to make my family wait for me...

I was at the funeral home until 9, and said my goodbyes to my Grammy. We discussed the funeral, and the director wanted the immediate family to meet at the funeral home at 10am. I was also doing the first reading so I had to make sure I was there as soon as the funeral started. When I got home, my husband was sleeping on the chair so I didn't get to tell him what time we were to be there...so when I woke up at 7:30am, I told him that we had to be there at 10, and he wouldn't get up. Finally at 9, I said (again), "Honey, you have to get up, and get ready." He said "It doesn't take me an hour and a half to get ready" I said, "we have to be there at 10, I've been telling you all morning" and he flipped out on me, telling me that it was ridiculous and we didn't have to be there that early if the funeral didn't start until 11. I explained to him that there were traditions and that I wanted to see Grammy one last time before they closed the casket but he wouldn't get up. I called my mom and told her that we couldn't be there right at 10, and she said it was fine, but I should at least be there by 10:30 because I was in the funeral procession. My husband still would not get up, so I had to get the kids ready by myself, and couldn't leave until 10:30. I was so frustrated, and before I left, I yelled upstairs "I shouldn't have to do this all by myself" and he yelled down, "How does it feel?" WHAT??? I yelled that I didn't help him with the house because I was making a collage for my Grammy's viewing, and he shouldn't be mad at me for that, and he said that I should have done it the night before. WHAT??? I said that I was done with him being this way, and that I would never forgive him for not going to the funeral with me... I was deeply hurt...He didn't understand anything. I don't know why I should be made to feel bad for doing something nice for my Grammy. Plus, now I knew that he was really awake, and could have gotten up and ready, but chose not to. Again, it was as if he was trying to show me how it felt to clean the house by himself...but it doesn't make any sense to me. I had a good reason for not helping, and why wouldn't he want to help me by cleaning up for me? Why wouldn't he want to be there for me?? Why would he make me go to my grandmother's funeral alone? Because I didn't help him clean the house? I mean, what else did I do?? Why did I have to marry a man who will not be supportive of me when someone in my family dies?

So, we buried my Grammy today. I put a pink rose on top of her casket, and told her goodbye. My reading, though hard, went well. I was very honored to have been able to do that for her. I just really wish my husband would have been there with me. If for nothing else, to hold my hand and tell me it will be alright. But instead, he went to work. He came home at 11 tonight, and is not talking to me. All I wanted was to show my respects to my grandmother after her passing, and be with my father as he lost his mother. I couldn't imagine losing my mother. Especially so close to Mother's Day. Does he think there's something wrong with that?

My husband is sleeping on the couch tonight. And, I can't sleep because he's not in bed with me, and I still want him to console me. I still cry every now and then when thinking about Grammy. It does not help to feel like my husband doesn't care that I'm hurting. What can I do to fix this? Is there anything I can do?? Again, I'm sorry for the book, but I wanted to explain everything so that you could tell me what I did wrong to apologize for. I mean, I know I wasn't the easiest to get along with, but he wasn't either. I thought that I would get a little bit of a free pass to be irritable because of the circumstances, but it seems like my husband doesn't feel that I should have cared so much that my Grammy died. I didn't visit her as often as I should have, but that doesn't mean I didn't love her, and won't miss her. Please help me to understand why he is being this way.

[Jennifer]

I think the only thing you can do differently in the future is not expect anything from him which is really hard to do and tell him what you need from him instead of just expecting it done. you didn't understand the traditions of your family so clearly he couldn't, you were very upset and probably didn't explain to him how you were feeling, even if you did, death is a hard thing to deal with for anybody and he probably doesn't know how to express his emotions easily and it was hard enough dealing with his family and your family at the same time.

Not sure what you expect from him, but you seem to want him to be someone that he is not, he has not shown the characteristics that you want him to show since you have been posting and not sure if you can live without having them.

I'm sorry for your grammy and it must have been especailly hard around mother's day.

I don't think that you need to appoligize for anything since you don't even know what he is upset with. When you both calm down hopefully you will be able to talk about it and work on communication

[TwinkleJ]

Thank you for your sympathy. I try to take comfort in knowing that my Grammy is in a better place now, and her suffering is over. I hope that my husband and I can talk about our issue too. It's so weird because he was so nice to me the night I got the phone call that Grammy had passed away. He listened to me, as I told him what had happened before she died, and I thought to myself, "I'm so glad to have him here for me" But then things took a really bad turn, and I couldn't get them back on track, ya know? He does have a hard time expressing emotions, but when my mother's grandmother died, he went up with me to see her, put his arm around me and made me feel better. This time, when it was someone that was closer to me, he did less for me...it just doesn't make sense to me.

I have to admit, I was very mad that he didn't cancel plans with his parents, and didn't even realize it until they showed up at our house. I felt like I had to put on a fake smile, and I just couldn't do it. That obviously made him feel like I was being rude to them, especially when I disappeared to change (and I did take a while to get ready). I just couldn't stay in the living room and listen to them talking or talk to them like I wasn't hurting. I know that they understood, but he has always been really weird when they come around, like he wants me to be on my "best behavior" and is always worried about what they think of me. But we've been together for 7 years now, and I think I understand how to act around his family.

I just couldn't take him thinking I should be acting normal when I had just lost my grandmother. I asked him Friday if he would be coming with me to the funeral, he said yes, and we even talked about him going. He just gets in these moods, especially around holidays, and I always expect more of him than he gives. It's just that, when I was growing up, you were more sensitive and nice on a holiday. You did special things for people, and in my family, my dad always did everything on Mother's Day for my mom. It seems that my husband thinks that Mother's Day is just for his mother, not for me too. He doesn't think it is important to get me gifts for any occasion, just get other people gifts so that they don't think we're bad people. His friend came over after they went out the other night, and he was saying how we hadn't gotten each other gifts in a long time. The thing is, he hasn't gotten ME a gift in a long time. I hate feeling like he has no appreciation of me and anything I do.

Before he came home from jail, I worked my butt off trying to get the house cleaned up, on my own, so it was perfect when he got home. I totally cleaned our bedroom. It was so cluttered that it took two days to get it cleaned up, and I have three totes full of stuff that have to be either put away somewhere else, or donated to charity. Needless to say, I didn't get the entire house done, but I was at least satisfied with my bedroom, but he, to this day, has not said a word about it. Because I had been working on our bedroom, there were a few toys out in the living room, and when he came home, he made a comment about the house being messy. I had sorted some things in the hallway upstairs, and I heard him loudly sign when he walked upstairs for the first time. I hate when he makes those "I'm disgusted" sighs.

The thing is, I made up my mind while he was away to change. I was tired of feeling embarrassed of my house. I got this wave of motivation to be a successful house wife, and do it for myself, not him. I think I have done very well keeping after things, but, of course, it's taking time. There are only so many hours in the day that I have to work with, on top of taking care of two kids. I have tried talking to him about all the things that I still want to do with the house, to get him to see that I'm trying to change, but he still acts as though I'm a lazy slob. I thought that since he was always bringing up that I was a horribly unorganized housewife, if I would change that, he wouldn't have anything to complain about, but he has no confidence in me whatsoever. It's hard to change when you get no support from your spouse, but I'm still trying my best to do it, for me. Still, though, I can't push the thoughts from the back of my mind that he will stop making me feel like crap when there is nothing to complain about. I do have to admit, that now I don't feel as badly when he says things about the house, because I know that it's better than it's ever been.

I have tried to tell him thank you when he helps clean, but this time, he was being such a jerk about it, that the time was never right to say thank you. Most the time, I try to make him feel appreciated, but it is something I have to work on, just as he does. It's hard sometimes to make him feel appreciated when he doesn't do the same for me, but someone has to start.

I just don't know how to expect nothing from him without communicating that I don't need him for anything. Does that make sense? I know he likes to feel like I need him for things, who doesn't, especially because he's a man, and men don't like to feel like their women don't need them. I also don't know how to start a conversation about confrontations we have, without starting another fight about the same issue. I don't want to leave him, but doing it by myself for a month and a half got me realizing that I can do it on my own if I wanted to. I also thought that I don't want to live without him, but now that he's starting his crap again, I'm not so sure. I mean, it's really getting old that whenever I don't do what he wants me to, he gets mad at me, yet he hardly ever does what I want him to...I just wish there was a way for me to get him to see that. Plus, I don't know how to tell him what I need and not expect it. Do I just come out and say, "I need you to be understanding if I'm hard to deal with because I am very sad over the death of my grandmother." or " I need you to be really nice to me and get me a card for Mother's Day so I know you appreciate all I do for our children....because I can't even remember the last time you changed a diaper..." Haha, I'm kidding, I wouldn't say the last part...even if it's true . I just thought it would be obvious I was isolating myself from his family because I was sad and being rude. I've always been a very perceptive person, and it's hard for me to spell things out like that.

It would be different if I didn't feel like he knows what I need and he's just not giving it to me because for some reason he feels like I don't deserve it. He seriously feels like I have to work to earn his love. He loves me conditionally. I don't think he understands what unconditional love is because I don't think he has ever felt loved unconditionally even though I love him unconditionally. Even if he's mean and doesn't do nice things when he should, I still love him. It's getting harder and harder, though, the more mean things he does to me. I've forgiven and forgiven him. I wish I could get him to understand that if I didn't love him, I wouldn't still be here. Okay, I'm done rambling again for today. I hope you can help me make sense of this whole thing, because I'm getting tired of over analyzing.
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~*Keep On Shining*~

[Jennifer]

I just wrote up a response and didn't click submit, so I will type it again. Yes, you do need to spell things out for him, he is a guy and sounds as if he comes from a different background as you and needs some help with the emotions. Maybe, he just couldn't handle seeing you in so much pain and went the opposite direction with his emotions. Sounds as if you see the one good thing and he sees the one bad thing and that probably balances you out.

Good for you for trying to be the best that you can do, sounds as if you do want acknoledgment from him though and maybe you will or maybe you won't get it but don't stop doing it for yourself. I know you say that you can do it all if you were alone, but you would also have to work and that would add to your stress level.

When things are calmer, try talking to him and spelling things out in a calm way. Even if he doesnt respond, he will still hear what you have to say and it might take a couple of days but he will respond in his own way.