27 days...and counting

[TwinkleJ]

My husband is serving a 30 day jail sentence at our county prison for getting too many driving under suspension violations. Other than the fact that I don't believe that the crime constitutes that severe a punishment, I was doing alright the entire month after we knew he had to go, so I thought I would also be alright while he was gone. We had a wonderful evening the night before he had to report, and I dropped him off at the entrance of the jail at 3:30pm Thursday. After many hugs, kisses, and "I love you"s he disappeared behind the tinted doors, I began to drive away...and I lost it. I sobbed and felt empty in a way I've never felt before. I try to tell myself that 30 days is not that long and he will be home soon, but somehow, my heart doesn't feel like he will. I ache to embrace him, and long to kiss his lips, though it has only been 3 days now since he left. I've talked to him on the phone, and today I took our 12 month old son with me to see him, and wanted nothing more than to remove the glass between us. I am not working right now, and if it weren't for my two children (we have a 6 year old too), I would have any desire to get out of bed in the morning. I was determined to get the house all spic-and-span while he was away. but find it hard to find any sort of motivation, and believe me, I had limited motivation before in this area. I don't have many friends, really...I don't have any friends that I could call and invite over, or hang out with...I spend a good bit of time with my parents, my mom especially, but they are going on vacation this week coming, and I don't know how I will deal with not having an adult to talk to. I feel like I am imprisoned as well...imprisoned in my house with my kids. Sure, we go out to the store, and sometimes go out to eat, but I just wish I had someone else to share my time with. I don't want to feel like the entire time he is gone I am just waiting for him to return...how do I cope????

[Jennifer]

do you suffer from depression? meaning have you been diagnosed in the past? if not, then you will cope and get through the month. as you state it has already been 3 days and today will be day 4, not so bad. time does fly whether you want it too or not.

i wouldn't make these demands on yourself. if your not a cleaner, then don't worry about the house. take care of yourself, your kids and keep in touch with your husband. look forward to the times that you will see him and remember that he is doing what he needs to do to put this behind him.

does he have to do anything else besides this? any probation or AA meetings?

[TwinkleJ]

My husband told me Wednesday that he decided to serve an extra 15 days because he has fines from all the driving under suspensions he has gotten in the past, and we could never pay them off, so we've been paying on them. If he stays 15 extra days (45 all together) he will be "sitting out" more than $2000.00 in fines as well as serving his 30 day sentence. It is very responsible of him, might as well do it while he's there, but I'm still bummed that he won't be home now for Easter. To answer your question, yes, I was diagnosed with depression...about 5 years ago, and I was on Zocor (I think, they were little oblong blue pills) and Wellbutren (sorry about the spelling). I voluntarily stopped taking them because of the sexual side effects, and was fine after that. My mom takes Paxil, though, so depression kinda runs in my family. I have gone through some really low lows over the past 6 years. I do have the tenancy to slip into a depressed state, but I don't know if it technically classifies me as being clinically depressed. My husband and I went through some hard times 3 years ago where we got into taking pills and such, mostly opiates. We woke up one day and realized that we needed help, and since then, we both take Suboxone. I would like to ween off the Suboxone, but I'm afraid of withdrawal...I have too much going on with my house, kids, and finding a job to be incapacitated for a week to go through the sickness, and from what I have heard, no matter how little a dose you ween down to, you still withdrawal. I am on the lowest possible dose that I can take without getting the chills, and feeling icky. I am sure that this probably contributes to my motivation problems.

Anyway, back on subject... My husband's license was suspended to begin with in 2002 because he didn't respond to a speeding ticket he got in another county. It's not like it was suspended for a DUI or anything, so he won't have AA meetings or parole to worry about, it's just a straight 30 day sentence. He just got pulled over too many times. I have gone to see him now four times, and we talk on the phone every day...he is supposed to be getting out for work release tomorrow, so I will be able to see him when I pick him up for work tomorrow! I am excited to not have glass between us, and be able to touch him, ya know? I'm afraid I won't want to let go! I am worried, though, because I just started to get used the idea of him being away, and now I will be able to see him five days a week. I'll be able to touch him every day--but only at half-hour intervals, and I know that it is going to be hard. If his friend isn't able to help with rides, and we're not sure if he will be, I will pick him up Monday- Friday at 2, take him to work for 2:30, visit him at work on his 1/2 hour lunch break at 6, and pick him up at 11 to be back at 11:30...Like I said, it will be nice, but will it be harder on me??? In a way, I wish he would just be away, and that's it...instead of having to say goodbye to him all over again every day. It's like taking a lollipop out of the wrapper and showing it to a child, but not letting the child taste the lollipop. It is frustrating, to say the least. I am glad to have an impartial way of venting about my troubles, though. Thank you for listening...uh, I mean...for reading!

[Jennifer]

I wouldn't advise you to weene off of anything right now, you have too much going on and you need all your strenght for that.

As far as the work release goes, after a couple of days, you will get into a routine and it will be okay, might be getting used too at first, but you will and it will be over sooner than you know.

glad to hear he is getting everything over with at once and you two can continue as usual afterwards and you can always plan to have easter when he comes home, two easters is never a bad thing

[TwinkleJ]

First of all, I hope I'm not being too irritating writing for advice so much, I just have a lot going on right now and it helps me to vent...especially to someone who will not judge me.

My husband finally got accepted into the work release program, and was moved to the work release block which is different than the rest of the prison in that there are no cells. It's just a big room with bunk beds. They have their own washer and dryer (which is great--he was washing his T-shirts and underwear in the sink before because he said that when you send your stuff to the main laundry room it comes back yellow tinted and smelling like ammonia) and to quote my husband, "you even get to sh*t in peace"! That's my suave man for ya! Also, I get to see him every day when I take him to and from work, and he can go back to work so we don't go broke!

I am writing, however, because I am very disappointed with the way he's been acting toward me. I don't know if it's cuz he can't express his emotions well, but he's just acting like things are back to normal and when he saw me for the first time in two weeks (other than behind glass) he gave me a quick hug and kiss and off he went ahead down the sidewalk to the car. I stopped and said, 'I haven't seen you in two weeks and you aren't even going to walk with me to the car?' He stopped and put his arm around me and kissed both the baby and I on the cheek. It was cute, and it felt good...but I was hoping for more romantic affection later, but it was the same later. And tonight, I was five minutes late picking him up from work because the baby threw up before we left, and he got MAD at me! We were fifteen minutes early when taking him back yesterday, so I didn't think it would be a big deal...and I understand that it probably embarrassed him that everyone else left and his friend offered to wait with him until I got there. I've never seen a place clear out so quickly, they get out at 11 and by five after, everyone is gone! Anyway, I could tell he was mad when he opened the car door, and the first thing I said was "I am so sorry, Ethan threw up" He said "I don't care, let him sit in it...It's more important that I get back in time" At first I thought he was being sarcastic, but after I chuckled a little and he didn't, I realized he was being serious! I know that if he's late he will get kicked off work release and I wouldn't want that, so he should trust me...ya know? I just feel VERY under appreciated. I understand that it's frustrating for him to be in jail... but I wish he understood that I am really the one who got the short end of the stick here! I mean, I feed, bathe, dress, and change our kids all the time, take care of all the bills, now I am responsible for taking him to and from work...I am pretty much responsible for all four of us...and yet I am only one person! His only responsibility is going to work, and isn't even responsible for getting himself there and back! He never pays me compliments, and it is getting discouraging. When he was home, he would always recite a list of things for me to do before he went to work, or would call me to remind me to do something, or bring something to him. I thought that being in jail would make him appreciate me, and see that he takes me for granted... but now I see that it has not done that at all. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind doing things for him, I love to because he's my husband and I love him, but I am always hoping he will show me some sort of appreciation that I never receive. It's like he expects me to do the things he asks, like it's my job. What does he do for me?? I've never been the type of person to give to receive, but after giving and giving, you kinda wonder when you're going to be given to as well! Help me to communicate to him that I don't feel very appreciated without upsetting him or making it sound bratty...I just can't share my life with someone who never goes out of his way to make me feel good, when I go out of my way for him constantly.

[Jennifer]

while i was reading your first part of your story, i was asking myself how he treated you before jail and you answered my quesiton? why did you believe that jail would change how he treats you?

people show emotions in different ways and does he show emotion, just not in the way that you would like him too?

I don't think that now is the time to work on your relationship. you two need to get through with this, then if it is the time, to work on your relationship.

how does he normally treat you.

[TwinkleJ]

You're right, he's treated me this way for a while now. Since we've had kids, anyway... off and on for 6 years...wow! It's getting discouraging. I thought if I wrote him a letter about how I feel...because I am always afraid to say something when he's home because I don't want to start a fight...and I thought that since he was away, he would read my letter and think about how he treats me and if it's right. But I can't find a way to sum up my feelings without writing to much (haha, ME? write too much.... nooooo), and I don't want it to be a three page list of what I feel he does wrong. Especially since he's in jail and I don't want to make his time there more miserable than it already is. So even though I've written like five letters, I haven't sent one of them.

I was just hoping that being away from me would cause him to miss me and realize that he takes me for granted...I know that I didn't realize how much he really helps me with the kids until he was not around. He still doesn't pitch in like I feel he should, but I am working on accepting him for how he is. It just seems as though he's still thinking of himself first. That's how I always feel....like he puts himself first. I don't think he realizes that he's acting like this, but he sets these high expectations for me, and I can't possibly live up to them, instead of realizing how much I do for him, and how much I do in general, he focuses on what I don't do. That hurts. It makes me feel like no matter what I do, even if I do everything he wants me to, he would still find something I didn't do and make me feel bad for it. And I've thought that maybe I'm being the same way, but when I sat down and really thought about what he does for me so I can be happy with what he does and not what he doesn't do....I couldn't think of really anything... He hasn't even gotten me a gift or card in over a year! Not for Mother's Day (he didn't even take the kids to get me anything), my birthday, Christmas, or our anniversary...Even though I got him gifts for every occasion (I'm not the type to give to receive, but it's getting ridiculous). A year ago on our 5th anniversary he sent me flowers at work...but before that, he hasn't gotten me a birthday gift since right after we met, and I even had to get my own engagement ring (finally, five years after we were married, a lady I worked with gave me her ring from her previous marriage). He put money down on a ring once, but we were running low on money (but we would have been okay) and he went and got the money off the ring one day without asking me! He tries to use the excuse that he doesn't have time, yet he asked his ride to pick him up fifteen minutes early before work one day so he could stop and buy his buddy a birthday card at the gift shop by his work (so it's not like he couldn't get me something...he just didn't)! That really hurts me and I think about it all the time. It makes me feel that he is not willing to go out of his way for me at all...I would have liked to at least have SOMETHING that he gave me...even if he would have written me a note on the back of a Wal-Mart receipt, it would have been okay. I also thought that since he was in jail for two weeks before he saw me, he would be more...I don't know, horny! I thought about being able to see him for a half hour on his lunch, and I was thinking that if I would visit him without the kids, he would want to go some place private...if you know what I mean...(we could totally do it in a half hour )...but he hasn't seemed interested at all, and I even went to see him last night without the kids! We went to a marriage seminar the weekend before he went to jail, and we listened to this lady speak about accepting your husband (or wife) for how they love you, and not how you want to be loved...but I don't know how to do that when I can't figure out what he does to show me he loves me (other than the "Love You"s when we hang up the phone or when I drop him off! I understand that now is not the time to work on our relationship, but isn't absence supposed to make the heart grow fonder?

I don't want to sound like he's a totally horrible person, obviously I love him, and I am with him for a reason...but when I really think about it, it's hard to see that reason. I like spending time with him, and we have fun when we're together...is there something wrong with me for feeling like he is not putting any extra effort into our marriage?

[Jennifer]

i think you need to find out how he loves you and see how he loves you. just because he is not giving you the things the way you want them, that doesn't mean that he does not care. you could work on things and he could learn to say the things and do little things for you, but he will always revert back to the way he is because that who he is.

who ever said relationships were easy was never in one for a long time, especially with kids. they are challenging because the other person never thinks as you do (which is a good thing) and doesn't always give you want you want.

i don't think your going to get what you want from him by writing him a letter in jail because he will only see that you are nagging. i would wait till he gets home and try to see the good in what he does because you would not have stayed with him for this long if he did not have some good qualities.

[TwinkleJ]

I know, I love him so much. It's just been hard without having him around every day to remind me of all of the reasons why I love him, if that makes sense. All I have to do is think and wonder what he's thinking, and wonder if he's thinking about me....Sometimes I hate my mind because I analyze everything and I wish I could just be happy in the moment. It doesn't help that we don't communicate like we should, and I think that is one of our biggest problems. I miss him a lot today. I have been laying around all day and I just wish he was here. Now that it's the weekend and I won't see him until Monday, I am sad. I love being around him, and spending my time with him and talking to him...we think on the same level, and he's the only one that can make me feel the way he does. I hate waking up without him. It's hard that I have to suck it up for my kid's sake...Thank you for all your help. I look forward to your responses, and I'm glad that I have been able to talk to you about it. I saw a counselor a few years ago, and all she said was that I had to leave him....that was when we were having more problems, but still. It makes me feel better to know that you don't feel that way. Talk to you soon.

[Jennifer]

so, instead of writing about all the things that he isn't doing, write to yourself all the ways that he loves you, how he cares for you and how he cares for the kids.

i know this has been sad a thousand times, but guys just don't think as you do. he is just doing his thing and bidding his time in order to come home. it is almost over and i think you are at your halfway point.

[TwinkleJ]

Thanks again for the advice. Do you think that I could be depressed? I don't really have self esteem issues, other than the fact that I hate that I am still packing on an extra 30 pounds from my second baby who is now 1. I had lost 30 pounds over the course of a year after I had my first son, though, so it's not like I'm any heavier than I used to be, I just had a few nice years of being thin. I just hate it that, again, I can't seem to be motivated to keep after my house and keep my kids on a schedule. I noticed yesterday that I have fruit flies in my kitchen, and I hate them with a passion, but when I have time to clean up, I end up stuck on this computer writing on this site, and in the back of my mind I'm thinking, "I have to get downstairs and straighten up." Then the day goes by, and I tell myself that I will just do it tomorrow, then five tomorrows later, it's still not done! I have laundry that needs done, and a litter box that needs cleaned...WHY CAN'T I JUST DO IT? I am also concerned about my decreasing desire to have sex. I am considering getting an IUD because I think that it could be because I've been on hormonal birth control the last five years. I want to have sex (when he's home, of course) and there are times that I look at him when he's getting dressed and think how sexy he is, but I just don't get turned on, physically, like I used to. We used to have sex all the time, and I understand that a couple's sex life decreases the longer they are together, but the most enjoyable sex, for me, was before I got pregnant with our first, during and right after the pregnancy, and when I when I was pregnant with my second, and afterwards....all when I was not on birth control. It's not like I don't enjoy sex, I do...and my husband always makes sure I climax every time, but it's just not as enjoyable since I've been on birth control. Is that normal? I read some posts on another site about IUDs and a lot of women say that their desire came back once they weren't on hormonal birth control. I don't know if this an appropriate question to ask in this forum. I'm just not sure if I'm depressed, or it's the hormones. I know you already responded to my motivation issues, I just can't accept that it's just not in my nature, and live in a messy house, ya know? By the way, it's now 26 days, 5 hours, and counting until my husband comes home.... (which also means that my time to get my spring cleaning done is getting shorter) I do have county medical assistance now, so I could go to therapy if I really needed it...as long as I don't get the same counselor as last time (when she told me I had to leave my husband).
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~*Keep On Shining*~

[Jennifer]

not sure about the iud, but if you find out please share. I don't think you are depressed, I think you get distracted and then you don't do what is what you think you are supposed to do, really called procrastination and you are not alone with that.

as far as the weight goes, you are never the same entirely after you have kids, but it is all how you feel about yourself, you need to make the effort to get out with the kids if you want to loose the weight. you are the active one on the site and its great to see. please be careful about giving out your email address on the site. i didn't delete it, but thought about it. If you want you can privately email someone but anyone can see your email address and you don't want that.

[TwinkleJ]

Oh, sorry about the email address, I wasn't thinking about other people reading it, I was just thinking about that person. It's the address I use when I sign up for stuff on the Internet, and I already get a lot of spam anyway, but if you can delete it, without deleting the whole message, that would be okay with me. I wrote to someone else, and just said that they could respond to the post if they wanted to talk. I just really feel for some of these people that have had some of the same issues I have had, and I think I've come a pretty long way since then, and I enjoy sharing that with people to give them hope. I majored in English in college, and wanted to be a journalist or creative writer, so I really like writing. I hope it's not too much or irritating. Sometimes I worry about being annoying. I lost pretty much all of my friends because of my off and on issues, and out of the friends I do have, I don't feel comfortable enough with any of them to share some of the bad things I've been through with them, so this forum is perfect for me.

Do you have any suggestions about procrastination? I've been like this for so long, and if it wasn't affecting my day-to-day life, it wouldn't be that big of a deal, but procrastinating causes me to be just a few minutes late everywhere I go. I have lost many jobs because even though most places allow you a few minutes, the employees who are on time, get irritated with me because they feel that it's not fair that I get away with it, while they bust their butts to be on time every day. I know I said about not having a job right now, but I'm afraid that if I do get a job, I will just lose it again because of my problem. I just keep thinking that there has to be something I can do or some medical term for how I am so that I can get help and stop being this way. My son is late to school a lot, just a minute or so, but it's getting to the point where the school sent home a letter about his tardiness. I still can't seem to always get him there on time! I have a horrible internal clock that tells me I have plenty of time to get somewhere, and I am always pushing it to the last minute, then I don't give myself enough time...I'm always rushing places, and calling with some excuse as to why I'm a few minutes late to appointments...It's just getting tiring. I keep my cell-phone with me everywhere I go, and I have alarms set to remind me of the time, but when my alarm goes off, I tell myself I have a few more minutes...and because of my messed up internal clock, before I know it, I'm leaving my house late again! I understand why I'm late everywhere, I just want to know what to do to stop being late, and reset my internal clock so that I am more aware of just how short a minute really is...Sometimes I will be doing something, and look at the clock and think to myself, okay I have five minutes, and finish up what I'm doing. Thinking I have finished up in those five minutes, I look at the clock, and it's been 8 or 10 minutes! And I think, What the h*ll, why can't I time things right? I don't know if there is anything that can help me, but if you have any suggestions, I would be so grateful! It just really seems to me that there is something wrong with my brain!
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~*Keep On Shining*~

[Jennifer]

the easiest way to do it is to set your clocks fast. lateness is a heritarity thing and hard to fix. put your clocks 15 minute fast everywhere, if that doesn't work, 20 minutes and go from there.

i know that you care and i am just caring about you and trying to protect you from people getting your email address.

[TwinkleJ]

Thank you for caring. My mom was, and still is, always late too. I always said it was hereditary and people would laugh! She's not as bad as I am, though...she still makes it to most of her appointments on time. I used to hate it growing up when she was late to pick me up from school events...especially at night, when I would be staring out to the parking lot wondering if her headlights were out there, or if she was the one beeping (I never understood why everyone would beep... like anyone could tell who was beeping!), and finally after all the headlights found their rightful owners, and I was the last one left, she would pull up...It happened all the time. Once we got back from a field trip early, and my Drama teacher had to take me home. I swore that I would never be like her...and, yet, here I am.

I've tried setting my clocks fast, but after a few days, I know just how fast they are, and subtract the extra minutes...I even had a job once where my boss would schedule me fifteen minutes before I really had to be there to try to help me get there on time...but all it took was being a little late once, and I was telling myself that I really didn't have to be there fifteen minutes early.

The last job I had, I was fired, and it was the first time I was actually told that my tardiness was the reason I was fired. Before, they would fire me for something else, and just mention that I was late too often. I'm fighting to get unemployment because I feel like I did everything I could to be on time, and I thought the people I worked for understood when I was running a little late.

I couldn't drop my son off at school until 10 till 9 and I had to be at work at 9am. It took me exactly 10 minutes to get to work, so if anything out of the ordinary happened, I was a few minutes late. I had to get up with the baby, feed and change him, and get my other son ready for school and, of course, things didn't always go as planned. I would get to the school and sometimes I have to wait in line to drop him off, or I would have to stop for a train at the railroad tracks on my way to work...whatever it was, things always seemed to happen to prevent me from being at work right at 9.

I even told my boss at my interview that I wouldn't be able to be there early, and he said that was fine. The other girls would be early, and I feel like that made me look later than I really was. When I was a few minutes late the first time, though, he said that he wasn't going to worry about five minutes, so I figured that as long as I was there with in those five minutes, it was fine.

I was only more than five minutes late twice, and the first time, my boss said that because one of the other secretaries was on maternity leave, I had to make sure I was on time until a temp was hired...then a temp was hired, and I reverted back to being a few minutes late here and there again. I was warned again the second time I was more than five minutes late, and my boss said that I couldn't be late like that again or he would have no choice but to let me go. Well, I thought that "being late like that" meant more than five minutes.

The night before I was fired, I was up all night with my baby because he was sick, and they knew he was sick. He threw up that morning when I was getting ready to leave, and wouldn't calm down for my husband, so I had to take him for a few minutes until he went back to sleep. I was four minutes late, and my boss took me in another room and fired me. He knew I was doing everything I could to be there on time. I had even asked him to fill out a form so I could try to get assistance for child care so I wouldn't have to worry about my not-so-helpful husband watching him. Plus, I had been running home and taking the baby to my mom's house every day over my lunch. If I couldn't leave right when my lunch break was supposed to start, I would be late coming back (even though I only took an hour break like we were supposed to), and apparently that was unacceptable too.

There was a girl that used to work for a different office and quit, that wanted to come back and work at our office. She had like ten years experience, whereas I still had a few things I had to be trained to do. The office manager really liked her too, and I knew that she would rather have that girl working there than me. Strangely enough, the girl started working there the day after I was fired, (they had her all lined up). I feel that if she hadn't wanted the job, I would still be working there.

I am nervous because I have a hearing at the unemployment office, and my employer will be there. They already found me ineligible and said it was because I was warned about my tardiness, and the reason I was late the day I was fired was not good enough. A UC judge will interview us to see if the determination was correct. I know that I should have been on time more, but I don't know how to communicate that even though I was a few minutes late a lot, I thought it was understood, without discrediting myself by admitting to being late so often. To be eligible for unemployment, my employer has to prove willful misconduct, and I just don't feel like I willfully disregarded my employer's interest.

How do I get them to understand that even though I was late, I thought it was okay, and even though I was warned, I was confused about what "late" meant to them. I always thought that "late" was a relative term...In their handbook it says that it is very important to be on time, and if tardiness becomes an issue, they may terminate you for it. I just don't know how to get them to understand the miscommunication in regards to MY issue. Any suggestions on what to say? I really need the money. I don't know what I'm going to do if they don't understand.