dealing with my son

[sumita]

I live with my second husband and son (18 yrs) from my previous marriage. He spent 4 years of his schooling in a boarding school which has made him very distant, stubborn and independent. He was a good student (scored 90% in X)but now in college he is becoming absolutely disinterested in studies. He wants to enjoy life and not study as hard as he is required to. He also has a girlfriend on the scene who has helped him in staying away from bad habits. However he is maniacally passionate about football which has led him to stonewall himself from all other activities and knowledge. He does not listen to me and gets violent even to the extent of hitting me badly and aggressive if I do not give in to his legitimate demands. I have struggled a lot in life (even giving up my job now just to be with him) to be able to give him a decent life (buy a house closer to A1 college, making my partner agreeing to letting him stay with us, although his father is also staying in the same city).

Of late I am observing a growing hatred in him towards the four of us. He thinks that we are doing well in life and are denying him the worldly pleasures just because we his parents have individual partners. All our actions are taken keeping his interests at heart, but he is stonewalling to listening to us.

My partner generally avoids interfering but the other day when he saw him using abusive language at me and screaming, he scolded him as a result they had a massive showdown which has worsened things. He feels both of us gang up against him. His EQ level is absolutely zero and he is not able to understand that we are doing for his good and he would also do the same for his child. He reacts because of who is telling him not what we are telling him.

I have reached a stage where my partner has given me an ultimatum to choose between the two of us. Either my partner or I have to walk out with my son to another place which is far away. This has affected my health and well being. I just don't know how to cope with the problem. I can send him to his father but he doesn't want to go and holds us responsible for sending him by threatening us that he will haunt us for the rest of our lives. Also I am not sure how he will behave with his step mom who is equally assertive in nature. I am scared no harm should befall on her as her father is away at work.

His behaviour outside is good and there have been no complaints till now. He is sharing an excellent equation with girlfriend's folks and ever since they have come on the scene, he feels he does not require us. Anybody trying to counsel him on my behalf is told to lay off and shut up.

What should I do, I only want him to have a good career and be stable in life, even if he wishes to stay far from me, it is fine.

[Jennifer]

Hard question to write and to ask. Tell me about boarding school and why he is lving with you now and not on campus? Is there some guilt there that is making you think that he has to live with you. He is 18 years old and an adult now, not much of an adult, but he needs to learn adult decisions and consequences.

Sounds like your relationship with him is still him being a boy and the relationship needs to grow and mature into something that both of you can be okay with. If he grew up distant and alone it would make sense that he wants to be distant and alone now. Just because people are shown love, that does not mean they know what to do with it.

[sumita]

We are from India, where the education system is different. The boarding school was from Class 6 to 10 after which he came to stay with me for his admission to college. We do not have residential campuses for the commerce stream. All the boys stay with their parents because the rents outhere are very expensive and housing is a big problem. The college (although number 1) is not very strict about attendance and most of the students go hay wire because of the change in the environment.

The violent and abusive behaviour is seen only by me and his father feels I am overreacting and hysterical for no reason because he is nice with him. He has broken his cells twice for a very small reason and he feels remorseful and guilty after his outburst is over. He has told me that he does not like me telling him to study or tidy up. All this while I did not remind him even once although subtly I would hint that he needs to do it for his girlfriend and his father who love him dearly. This had no effect on him as he has developed an aversion to studying all because it would make me happy. Now the exam is tomorrow and yet he does not open his books scares the hell out of me, so I start telling him only a day before after keeping quiet all this while, which again evokes an abusive behaviour in him. He abuses me and tells me to lay off. Then I cry and start praying in my mind to make him see sense. After some time I see him sitting to study. Now if I had not to tell him, I feel he would continue to be in that trance of not studying and go to the exam hall like that with his care a damn approach. Therefore i told him, and then I see this abusive behaviour of his and then he starts to study. I don't know what to make of all this. Getting his father into the picture makes him more abusive and violent as I am negating his father's opinion about him.

Also he does not value our hard earned money. For him there is no difference between 10 and 1000. If I try to bargain and get the price down he screams at me saying that it is very cheap on my part and embarrassing for him.If he has to make a choice between two items, he obviously forms a low opinion of the cheaper item and opts for the expensive one although the cheaper one would offer him more value for money.

If only he listens to 50% of what I tell him, I can see him being a successful person, since he has the capability. He confides in his friends about the situation at home by editing his faults and using the words like "my step dad has taken away my mom from me and that he wants me to leave" which is far from the truth as my partner never ever interfers, is hardly there at home and rarely opens his mouth. But his friends hearing the words step dad tell him that his step dad is in the fault and not to listen to us. This gives him the instant sympathy he is looking for and the feeling that he is justified in behaving like this.

All I want is for him to have a good career. Life in Mumbai is very tough just being a graduate is of no use as you are right in the bottoim, there is no dignity of labour and people judge you by your pay packets and designation. His life style also needs him to earn a decent packet.

He will not come with me to visit the psychologist. What is the way out.

[Jennifer]

I hate to be the one to say this, but it does not sound like he wants your help and if you want to continue to give it to him, then you will have to find a happy medium. He sounds selfish and spoiled (I can say this because I do not have an emotional attachment to him) and he is going to need to learn how to grow up.

For you as a caring loving mother, it is hard to watch him make mistakes and know that you can do something to fix it. You are enabling him and if you want to, then that is fine, but he is going to have to learn the hard way that life is not a game. Everything that you have said so far leads me to believe that he is very comfortable and enjoys his life. Well, that is not his life that he has created for himself. that is the life that you have provided for him. If he wants that life for himself, he is going to have to do well in school and straighten himself out.

I can tell you as you already said that college is an adjustment that needs to happen. I did really bad my first year of college and graduated with a 4.0 in my doctorate program. Success comes from within, it cannot be forced.

[sumita]

His stonewalling continues and there is a kind of cold war between him on one side and my partner on the other. Communication has become zero. The exams are going on and he is hardly studying (max. 45 mins. at a stretch with 5-6 hours gap). He shuts the door on me when he is talking on the phone or claiming to study. He has decided not to listen to whatever we say. He had told us that he would like to become a CA (equivalent to CPA)two years ago. Now when he has to prepare for the entrance exam, he tells us that he wants to do business and that he is not interested in becoming a CA as he is told by his girlfriend's mother that it is very tough and difficult. This is just an excuse for his lethargy and wanting to have it easy. This has upset us no end, he does not understand that it is only his parents who can wish for his betterment and yet he treats us like enemies or strangers. He thinks we should provide him with good lifestyle as it is our duty to do so.

Otherwise there is nothing serious to complain about. But this is affecting me no end his shunning me, talking to me abusively and not listening to my views/advice since I am telling him so. What is the way out, day by day it is affecting my health, i am seeping deeper into a depressing mode and am crying thinking that the worst will happen with this attitude of his and I cannot face that, and yet I cannot do anything. I can see my health getting affected. I cannot accept the fact that he may not graduate, it is hte most shameful thing in our family. What will he do in future, is he going to live off me, is he going to terrorise me into looking after him and his family, these thoughts worry me.

He does not understand that he just has to follow the straight path if he wants to stay with us. What also worries me is that if he moves in with his father and with his father being away at work and his aggressive habits, he will have fights with his step mom which could lead to something violent and dangerous. She will not have the patience and the love which I have for him. He is very impolite, and rude when he is that mood. One needs to be very patient and calm with him.

It all boils down to his feeling hatred towards the four of us, where as we all want his good at heart. What should I do??

If I don't interfere then he could do some grave mistake which I cannot bear to go thru. And if I guide him he stonewalls me. These two years are very crucial for him, once he becomes a graduate I will quietly go away as he too will get some maturity. How do I make him see sense????

[Jennifer]

as far as his life goes, that is up to him to decide how to live. you ccannot make him make sense of anything, at this stage of his life he needs to make sense of himself.

you can set ground rules for your home and criteria for him living there if you so choose. It sounds like you are going to need to back off and work on letting himself make his own choices. People do not conform just because it is in his best interest and especially if someone tells them too.

I know you want a different answer for this situation and there is none. You are losing your sanity and he is not budging. Try backing off and see what happens.

[sumita]

I have kept quiet for two months hoping against hope that things will work out. But his aggression and violence (only with me) doesnt seem to cool off. It is driving me up against the wall. I do not know what to do. Sometimes I feel his friends are giving him wrong advice but once I tried telling him and he dared me to speak against them. He does not want to go to his father and wants to stay with me. Others advise me that he needs his father to discipline him. His relationship with his father superficially is very good (although he feels stifled from within).With me it is having freedom whilst terrorising me. It gives him a kindof a high, i guess. He does apologise afterwards, but does not want to take any guidance from me. He is not willing to come to a psychologist as he feels nothing is wrong with him. He says that his friends tell him that I am a horrible mom. He insists on staying with me and its not doing him any good as it is breething ground for his bad behaviour. What is the way out. Both he and I feel very suicidal after our fights. He blames me for making him feel that way and I just don't feel like living.

[Jennifer]

well, is going to live with his dad an option? of course he would choose to live with you, he can control you and act the way he wants. he knows you love him and are the better parent, but it seems you both need a break from each other.

I doubt he will go to his dad's on his own so it would have to be forced by you. can you do that?