Pain in realizations

[lanipr]

Hello everyone, I am a 35 year old mother. I wanted to give you some background information before I go into my present feelings.

My son's father was a very abusive person. In my early 20's I left him. I struggled with my own mental health illnesses(ADHD, Bipolar, Panic Disorder, Depression) and poverty trying to care for my son.

As he aged my son also started showing signs of mental illness. We recieved throughout a period of 7 years every form of therapy that I could find from inpatient, to outpatient, medication, family based, TSS etc.

I married when my son was 10. Though my mental health issues and my son's mental health issues were still present and evident things seemed a little bit better for a short period. Possibly because our poverty level was not as extreme and I had the help of a second parent figure with my son. I began to take courses at college. Psychology courses. I guess in some way I was hoping to understand more of what was happening to us.

I continued college in hopes of improving our financial status in the future however everything in our homelife began to decline again. My son's mental health issues worsened as he approached his teenage years. Consequently mine did as well, my stress and anxiety had hit an all time high. I stopped wanting to shower or even move. The medications I was on did not seem to help. They switched them several times and they still did not help.

My son became old enough to refuse therapy and he did. He became truant from school on a regular basis no matter what I did. My husband left us. We were alone again and he became uncontrollable and violent towards me. He was involved in a burglary.
Around this time we also lost our home, I starting feel more hopeless than ever. He was too old to go to a shelter with me. I had no where to take him. A friend of the family and his wife who knew us since my son was only 5 stepped up when we became homeless. Agreeing to take guardianship of my son provided I did not yank him out later. In essence until he is 18. I agreed in hopes that their financial status, two family parent stable environment could help my son with some therapy. I have no family that would help and I had to drop out of college because I lost my home. I went to stay with some friends in another state.

I am finally back in school and working on therapy for myself. My car broke down and my only income is disability so I have not been able to get it fixed or drive there. However,I talk to my son regularly.

I feel frightened in some ways at the idea of seeing him in the future, that it would be too hard and devasting for us both. The burglary charges finally came to court for him. He is likely going to be on probation but on the positive side will likely be required to go to therapy as a court order.

I am at turmoil within myself. I feel in realizing my limitations and my inability to cope with the combination of poverty and mental health issues that my son and I both have that I did the right thing for us. I however feel a failure and so much pain.

I am back in school trying to finish my degree and arranged counseling in hopes that over time I can pull myself out of this depression, become more stable mental health wise and financially and my son and I can have healthier communication in the future. I hurt from all of this as I am sure he does.

I know by realizing that I was incapable of meeting his needs that I have done what is best for him by letting people that could do so. It hurts to think that he may never understand how hard I tried to hold it together and how the more I tried the worse things got and I just want him to have a stable secure family to live in where he doesnt have a mother crying in corners unable to care for him because she is too depressed to care for herself. I don't know how to heal and be able to accept the realization of my limitations, I am in alot of pain.

[Jennifer]

Hey
Sounds as if you did the best that you could. Everything that you did was in the best interest of your son even when you could not function well.

How is your son doing now? Is he stabe or still having problems? Sounds as if both of you have been through it and have come out on the other side in good shape or at least good shape.

Guilt will not change what happened and you cannot go back and change what and how you did things. All you can do is learn from your past in order to prevent or make the same decisions in the future.

[lanipr]

Hi Jennifer, he seems to be doing a little better. With therapy and his environment there I am hoping he can look towards a brighter future.

[Jennifer]

That is great!! Sounds as if you made a tough decision that was best for him and yourself. Glad that you are being optomistic about the future.