My son cries when I can't help him.

[TwinkleJ]

My son is 6 years old and in Kindergarten. I also have a 12 month old. Every night when I tell my 6 year old that it is time for bed and to get his PJ's on he cries and sometimes throws a fit. I try to ask him nicely, and finally have to tell him and raise my voice sometimes to a yelling volume. He cries when I tell him to brush his teeth and says that he can't do it on his own, but he has done it on his own since he was 3 or 4, I just check afterwards. When he finally does it, it will take him 2 times as long to do it himself, than if I would have just gave in and helped him. It's getting to the point where it's moving into the morning when he cries about getting dressed and brushing his teeth again. I have to get my 12 month old ready too, I can't always help him, but if I don't we would be late to school every morning, and he wouldn't get to bed on time. How do I get him to be alright with doing these things by himself, or without much assistance from me? I don't know what else to do with him...I'm sure you remember me and that my husband is away in jail for a little over a month...he used to always listen to his Daddy, and I am sure that it has something to do with Daddy being away, but I still don't know what to do to get him to listen to me. He has always been this way with me, and my husband thinks it's because I must have somehow communicated to him that I would give in and he knows it. It's starting to get out of control and stresses me out, and I don't like getting angry with the situation because I don't want to take it out on him, but sometimes I end of screaming at him and I feel horrible afterwards. He gets time outs, but I then he gets so out of control with crying and getting mad that I am not sure how much the time outs are helping him, because his actions never change. HELP!!!

[Jennifer]

it 100% has to do with his dad being away and if you two had the relationship where he only really listened to his dad then this is a great time to fix the situation.

bottom line is that you are the parent, he is the child, he has to listen to you. have you talked to him about his dad being away? at that age it must be upsetting and confusing. find out how he feels about it, if he is mad at you and thinks that you are the reason that his dad is away.

rule that out before you think it is just stuborness, then we will deal with it.

how did you get him to do this stuff before?

[TwinkleJ]

We both talked to him about his dad going away, but my husband didn't want to tell him he was going to jail, so we told him that he was going out of town for work. I will say things like, I miss Daddy, and he says, yeah, me too...but we haven't really had a conversation about how he feels or anything. It doesn't seem to be bothering him on the surface, so I thought he was okay. How do I talk to him about it? I've told him that he had to be a big boy and help me while Daddy was away. The night before last he threw a temper tantrum when I told him it was time to get his pj's on for bed, and I was going to let him watch TV in my room for a little bit before bed, but because he got so upset, I sent him straight to bed. I said that I was upset because he didn't start acting this way until Daddy left, and to remember that he promised Daddy that he would be good for me. I also told him that I needed his help. What else can I say?

He never gave me much of a problem doing these things before, and although I thought it was because he was listening to me, now I'm worried that it was only because he knew that if Daddy heard him complaining about it, he would get in trouble. How do I get him to have the same respect for me? A few nights ago we went out to eat, and he wouldn't listen to me, and I said that if he didn't listen, we would leave...and we ended up leaving! It's hard sometimes, though, because there are times when I can't just leave a store or restaurant. I mean, I have to get groceries and I don't always have the time to go back later! How can I get him to listen to me when we're in public? I have tried offering to buy him something little if he's good in a store, but it's embarrassing when he's not being good and I don't get him anything, and he throws a fit at the checkout ! I try to give him chances to straighten up before I punish him, and I don't know why he wouldn't take those chances and avoid getting punished. Sometimes I remind myself of my mother. She used to say things like "That's it, no TV" and I would say "NOOO!!" and she'd say "Then straighten up!" So, I figured that she would just keep giving me chances and wouldn't REALLY take TV away...since remembering that, though, I always do my best to follow through with my threats of punishment. I will also have him stand in the corner for a time out, and when the time out is done, he has to tell me what he did wrong, and apologize. His teacher says that she has the same problem with him not listening. She also says that she gives him many chances, and he hardly stops his behavior until he is punished (they have a stop light on the board and they each have a clip that starts every day on green...when they misbehave their clip gets moved to yellow, then red and they miss 10 minutes of recess...if it goes beyond that, the parents are notified) He is always getting in trouble for silly things, and it's the same at home. I just don't understand why it's such a fight to get him to listen! I repeat myself about the same things every day. Little things like, I told you not to say that, or please don't get in your brother's face--he doesn't like it, or don't interrupt me when I'm talking to someone... I swear I could make a list and see that it's always the same things that he is getting in trouble for. Why aren't punishments teaching him anything?

(Sorry for the lengthy response, it's just a pressing issue and I have much to say about it! )
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[Jennifer]

like i said, you need to rule out emotions. your son is 6 and he cannot act any older than six. to tell him that he has to act good or act older because daddy is gone is putting pressure on him. he doesn't know how to act any different than 6 so please don't make him.

there are three c's to parenting, consequences, consistancy and caring. in order to let him know you mean business you need to stick to your guns and leaving the restuarant was a good move. the only way kids ever know if you are serious is if you say what you mean and mean what you say.

i would just talk to him honestly about his dad, you don't have to mention the jail part, but boys do not express emotions well and he is telling you that something is wrong by his behaviors. that is why boys/men fight because they don't know how to express the correct emotions. you will have to help him with this and help him learn that he can express emotions and that he DOES NOT NEED TO BE THE MAN OF THE HOUSE, that is way too much pressure to put on a 6 year old.

[TwinkleJ]

Aww, I never thought of it that way. Before Dylan left for school the morning my husband was leaving, he said to Dylan, "While I'm gone be good for Mommy, okay? You're the man of the house now..." I thought it was cute, and just didn't think of it as placing too much pressure on him....I understand that Dylan is only 6, and I don't want to be acting like I expect him to act older, he's just always been mature for his age...he's always been thirsty for knowledge, and we bought him a set of activity books that the teachers buy for kindergartners when he was 4. He mastered every single one! So, needless to say, he's always acted older than his age...and I guess I've kind of gotten used to expecting that from him...maybe I do treat him like he is older than 6. It's not like I've done this before, ya know? He's my first, and I'm still learning how to be a parent of a 6 year old! Is it okay that I ask him to get his pj's on and brush his teeth on his own? Is it okay to ask him to keep an eye on Ethan for me for a little while sometimes (he's always either strapped in his swing, in his playpen, or the gate is up in the livingroom)? Am I wrong to tell him to be a big boy and act his age, I mean, compared to Ethan, he is a big boy...that's all I meant.
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[Jennifer]

parenting is a trial by error job. of course he should put his pj's on by himself, but sometimes when you are faced with too much responsibility you regresss into a younger age.

that is great that he is so bright and wants knowledge and he might act older than his age, but i'm sure he still acts his age sometimes, let him be a kid and he will start listening to you again.

i'm sure it's not so much that you say that, it is a daily reminder of that his dad is gone and he has to be the man of the house. he has no clue what that means.

[TwinkleJ]

I had a talk with Dylan last night. I asked him if he remembered what his daddy said about being the man of the house, and he said no, but I still went on to explain to him that just because his daddy said that doesn't mean that he has to REALLY be the man of the house...I said that he couldn't be the MAN of the house because he was not a man! I asked him if he ever felt like I expected him to act older than his age, or expected too much from him and he said 'no', then I said, 'not even sometimes?' and he said 'yeah, sometimes.' I apologized and said that I was just upset because Daddy was away, and didn't mean to be that way. I told him that I missed being able to spend more time playing with him, and he told me that he understood because Ethan is little, but it upset him sometimes too. I explained that I was going to try my best to be better, and that we were going to start with having a set bedtime. I said, no matter what, bath at 9, a story, then bedtime at 9:30. I also said that if he threw fits he would not be able to play his video games the following day. Last night we started, and it went very well. He was actually excited to get a bath for once and has been trying to be helpful any way he can. I am glad for your advice, and even more glad that Dylan and I made some progress by talking. Thank you.
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[Jennifer]

awesome!