My 14 year old wants to live with friends

[kinahara]

I have a 14 year old daughter. She is extremely strong willed and we butt heads constantly. She has absolutely no respect for me (or herself for that matter). Over the last few months she has started staying out all weekend with out asking permission or even letting me know she is alive. The first couple of times it happened I reported her as a runaway and spent all weekend looking for her. Then over winter break she stayed with friends the entire two weeks, no phone call or anything to me. I reported her as a runaway again and spent countless hours looking for her. I feel like I'm being held hostage by my child. It's ridiculous. Now, we have to move because I have been unemployed for almost a year and my unemployment has run out. We have to move to another city to live with my sister while I get back on my feet and my daughter is flat out refusing to move. She has informed me that she is old enough to take care of herself and doesn't want to live with me anymore. She is not going to move and there's nothing I can do about it. I just don't understand where she is coming from...she's 14! She doesn't know what it takes to take care of herself. She's not even old enough to get a job! I am at a total loss. I just don't know what to do anymore. Should I tie her up and throw her in the car when we go? The thought has seriously crossed my mind...it's horrible. I have a 12 year old son who is miserable having to deal with her bad attitude and behavior. It is so bad that he has actually asked me if there is someplace I can send her to straighten her out. You know it has to be bad when my 12 year old is saying that! I'm just at my witt's end. I don't know what to do.

[Jennifer]

hey
sorry for the mess and it cannot help that you are unemployed and not feeling good about that. based on your comments i am asuming that you are the only one taking care of her. did she used to listen to you? did something happen to make her so angry at the world or is it that she is just angry at you?

Most of us only get angry and act that way with people that give us unconditional love such as you give your daughter. I cannot tell you what to do with regards to living with someone else, that is going to have to be your and her decision.

Have you tried talking to her as more of an adult and asked how she will manage? Have you talked to the friend's mom to find out why it would be okay for her to live there when you are moving out of town.

It is always better to be overly involved in kids life than not at all. Sounds like you need to get to the root of the problem and quick before it is too late.

[kinahara]

She has always been very head strong but she did listen to me once upon a time. It seems like ages ago now. It started about 3 years ago. Her Dad had been totally out of the picture for about 4 years. Then apparently he called my house and left a message on the machine. She listened to the message, took down his number then erased the message. I didn't know that he'd ever called until almost a year later. All that time she was talking to him and that's when things started to change between us. She started being rude to me and her brother then playing it off like she was joking. She started to not do the things I asked her to do or arguing with me about doing it. For a while I just thought it was the normal teenage stuff, just happening a little early (as things do these days). Then I found out that she had been talking to her Dad, she never said a word to me or her Brother. Her Dad never asked to talk to her Brother. I was irate. I didn't have a problem with her talking to her Dad but for him not to ever want to talk to our son. That just pissed me off. And it hurt my son so much. From there it has just gotten worse.

I have tried talking to her, the problem is, she won't talk to me. I don't even know which of her friends she is going to stay with because she won't tell me. Her standard answer is "you don't need to know". I think she is mad at the world in general. The only people she's nice to is her friends and their parents. She's rude and disrespectful to her teachers at school. She obviously doesn't listen to me. Her Dad lives in another city and has limited contact with her. When he does talk to her he doesn't parent her. He just wants to be her friend.

I have been trying to get help from her counselor at school and frankly that has been a waste of time. I finally got some health insurance for her and her brother through the state that has just become effective so my plan was to get her into counseling as soon as we've moved. I didn't want to start her before we moved because she would probably only have one session then have to start over with someone new after we move. I just feel like I'm losing ground...quickly. I'm just not sure how to get it back.

[Jennifer]

you need to contact her dad and set him straight. she is angry at him and taking it out on you and the rest of the world because she cannot take it out on him.

as far as not knowing who she is friends with and staying with that is not acceptable and it is your responsiblity as a parent to know where she is at all times even if she doesn't want you too.

i hate to say it but even her having a cell phone with a gps tracking system in it is at least something.

glad to hear that you are going to get her and your son into counseling and seems both would benefit but i don't think you can wait until you move, not sure how resistant she is but if she does run away because of this, then you need to be prepared for it.

find out who her friends are. i am sure she is telling them that you are okay with this and making up stories. this is not the time to try to be her friend, she has friends, she needs someone to make strong decisions for her

also sounds like moving and getting a fresh start will be good for everybody