In-Laws

[Jennifer]

I think that you should talk to him about it and let him know how you feel. Communication is always the best thing. I am sure that he recognizes what his mother is but asking someone to give up all contact is just too hard to do.

If after you talk about this and you still feel the same way, might be time to get a voodoo doll (I hope you know that was just a joke) but sometimes humor is the best medicine/therapy in situations that are impossible to change.

[tjgross]

I have talked to him about it. "They" all refuse to talk to me, and don't make any effort to. Now when we are together in the same room now, they will talk to me, but only because we are in the same room. But they don't make any addtional effort to talk to me by phone calls text ect. So when they call him, text him and he returns it it bothers me. I feel like, he doesn't see what they are doing and he doesn't understand. I feel like the only reason they talk to me is because they have to because I am married to their son. I have the feelling as they would prefer not to. But "I" am the one who offers the kids to them ect. I think they need to see that "I" dont keep them from them.

I also, see him talking to his Dad more and more. We use to be close but because of the relationship that his mother and I had together he again doesn't talk to me unless we are together. There is no extra effort. I am happy he talks to his dad, but I feel like they are happy with only talking to my husband. Maybe they are truely happy, but it hurts not being apart of his family. I know I need to accept that and move on. It is like being married to a man, and he has a separate other part of his life. I don't feel complete!!

Its funny how things work, his dad use to come over complaining about her, and calling her names....you knew they didn't have a real good relationship. They never spent much time together. And now he won't talk to me because of her!!

I also think its funny how I have to be the one to make all the first moves and sometimes the only moves at trying to make things work.

You know, if I feel like he doesn't support me and what I feel. His dad obviously won't talk to me because of how his wife feels about me, along with his sister, and her family. But my husband wont' stoop to that level. Am I not worth that?? That's how I really feel!!! I know we both know that she is childish and that is not what people do. But it hurts knowing that people can do and say anything to me and he wont' stand up or behind his wife!!

[tjgross]

I guess the other thing that really disturbs me and causes me to be cautious or curious is that anytime his dad calls, he has to leave the room go in the basement, go outside. If he goes into the basement, and say he's down there fore 15 minutes, and I come down to do something he leaves and goes some where else. What's up with that.

[Jennifer]

i don't blame him, you are so ultra sensitive to his family with reason mind you that he probably doesn't know how to have a relationship with his dad/family without upsetting you and he believes he is being considerate of your feelings.

once again talk to him and let him know how you feel and find out how he is feeling about all of this.

[tjgross]

But don't you think that oh my God, his family won't speak to me, but he's obviously ok with that and feels comfortable with having that relationship with his family after they have hurt me so much and caused so much pain. On the otherhand, it's obviously ok that his family wants nothing to do with me. You probably think that I am ultra sensitive, but I use this service to talk things out. I have been staying quiet and keeping many things to myself. I just think he should stand up for his wife, because we are a family. His family has been known to persuade people against you.

[Jennifer]

I can only give you my honest answer and it seems as if he is caught between a rock and a hard place. He loves you and wants to do right by you but he feels as if he wants a connection with his family as well. Not sure what would happen if you outright asked him to stop talking to his family and it sounds as if he talks to his father more than his mother anyways.

As i have stated I can relate because I go through the same things. I encourage my mate to be close to his family even with the way they treat me because they are his family and it is important to be close to family, but that is just my take on things and I always believe taking the high road is much more healthy for an individual than doing things that you will regret later on.

[tjgross]

Oh, I agree. I have always told my husband family is so important. And prior to all that had happened I was the reason he went out to visit so much and the reason he and his dad became closer. I don't even want him to never not talk to his dad, because i know that will be something I will truely regret. But it's funny how his family thinks its ok to not talk to my son's wife or include her like she's family. But yet they want to talk to him. I know deep down he they could have us separated they would be the happiest ever.
I really think he is stuck in hard spot what is one to do. I do know that he sees how hurt Iam because all i have ever wanted was to have inlaws that I could say are my family. Maybe, I'll never have that. But it's a low feeling when everything feels so separate. Like you let him have is own time with his parents and then I have the other time!
Believe me I try really hard not to even let him know it bothers me. But it honestly does. I keep thinking someday that his parents will regret how they treat me, and possibly realize family includes both their son and his wife together!!!I guess I will know for future references when my son gets older what not to do, and what to do!

[Jennifer]

I hope so for your sake and everyone involved.

[tjgross]

Ok You say you have similar situation with your inlaws. How does your husband feel when they mistreat you? do you expect him to stand up for you. I feel like I am living a life that is separate. I married him because I loved him and to have a family together and also to share in our families together. I feel like they will never like me or include me and I get from you that I should just keep taking that. In hopes that someday it will change. I don't feel complete at all. I also feel like he doesn't understand because he is allowing for this seprateness to continue. He thinks he can have is own family separate from "ours". I find it hard to believe that he leaves the room when his dad calls because he wants spare me the hurt. How long does he think keeping things separate will last.

I have honestly thought about going back to the night shift at work. That way I can have more time with the kids, and he can have his own separate time with his family. But I keep wishing things will change. They say they want things to work out between us. But I do things to include them with us and grandkids. But there is never any return. All she wants is the grandkids and her son and thats it!

There was a this problem prior to us getting married and now I am wishing I would have just called things off. Cause 10 years later things have not changed. I thought I will just not let her bother me, and it all be fine.

[Jennifer]

See, the difference between your situation and mine is that mine is not a relationship problem. We are united on every count and I encourage him to call his family and keep in touch with them.

It would be sad if you decided to break up your family because of them. I think the important part is that you feel respected and loved by your husband and its time you told him how you feel about him leaving the room and all the other little things that bother you. you going to the night shift is not good for your relationship nor your kids.

[tjgross]

I can't seem to understand the difference between his mom and dad standing up for each other, and my husband standing up for me? My husband has been talking to his dad more and more and more lately. At first that disturbs me, but I am finding it easier in my heart to say thats the way it's going to have to be. But yesterday my husband was gone and his parents came out. It seems like as soon as they found out that he wasn't home they said they couldn't stay. Well, I have been trying to give them time with the kids and not get mad when he calls/talks to them.......but what is it doing besides tearing us up. I married him because I loved him and wanted a family and also really was looking forward to having another family (his side), but all everything is separateness I can't stand it! I am really starting to get depressed...he doesn't care one bit......

[Jennifer]

then stop pretending that it is okay and talk to him about it. you have said numerous times that it bothers you, if you cannot live with it then it needs to be addressed. sounds as if it needs to be dealt with sooner than later.