In-Laws

[tjgross]

If you have problems with the inlaws. Are you or should you be required to let the grandkids have time with them??

My inlaws have been saying hurtful things to me and lie to me and my husband. I obviously don't trust them. I fear for my kids safety if I'd let them be with them. Mainly because they lie and I am afraid they will brain wash them. She already has turned my husbands family away from me. I see them in public and they turn the cheek and won't say a word to you. That alone is hurtful. We have addressed that with her, and she says we are just attacking her. Well, it is only her family that treats us like that. It is such a cold treatment. However, with my husbands fathers side of the family, they will talk to me in a reasonable manner, and they definately won't turn the cheek in public. WHat is the most appropriate thing to do with the grandkids. I feel as if we give them time with them she will lie to them like she does to us and others. We both feel like she has betrayed us. It is so hard to forgive some one who has hurt you so bad.

??

[Jennifer]

How does your husband feel about this?are the inlaws requesting time with the kids?

[tjgross]

They use to, now they just tell her family that I keep the kids from them. They tell me that's child abuse ect. I tell them the way they talk to me is abuse.

My husband wishes things were better, and that we could co-exist in the same room. I can honestly say, I can't find myself upset when I am around her. She deliberately lies to get what she wants.

3 years ago, I had taken vacation time during our county's fair time. She called my husband because she wanted to take the kids to the fair. Well, she never bothered to ask what my plans were. First, like I said I had taken vacation that week. Next, I didn't plan on going because they had heat advisorys out because it was suppose to be over 100 degrees that day. I didn't think my 2 year old should be out in it. I simply asked her why she never asks me to go. Before that I had told her that Sorry, we already had plans to go to the fair. She proceeded with questions like with who, and oh they would not go with you. Then she hung up on me and called my husband and said I was yelling at her ect. And I wasn't. For several years this went on. Then in Feb of this year, when she came over we showed her a letter that we got from her sister who lives further away. It basically said how she wished she could wish us a merry christmas but couldn't. That she could not believe what we had put their family through. ect. We first asked if anyone knew what was going on between us.

She lies continuously. She has threaten me saying she can pick up my kids at the baby sitters anytime she wanted with out permission.

[Jennifer]

sounds like your husband is staying out of this. this should be a joint decision and you both have decide if you want your inlaws to have alone time with the kids. you wil need to set ground rules and your husband will have to work with you to find a common ground with your inlaws.

[tjgross]

He agrees with me on a few things but he also thinks grandparents are important. And I do to. I really think Grandparents are wonderful. But I truely feel like she say things to them to not like me either. Me and my husband have had long talks, and he says she doesn't deserve grandkids. Believe me no matter how much time I gave them with them she was never happy and still said "I keep them from her" If she was nice to me, and I could trust her I would not have any problem sending the kids there. But I dont think any parent would send their kids to a place where they didn't trust the adults.


Is it wrong to keep the kids from them, at least until things change. We keep them from her mainly because she bad mouths us to her family and now no-one in his family will acknowledge them.

[tjgross]

I wish I could get to the point where, I did not care if my husband goes over there to visit. But I feel like he supports her when he does that. We have had a long long battle She has said to me all she ever wanted was her son and her grandkids and thats it. I guess if I allow them to go over there she will get what she wants. She knows what to do and say to get what she wants.

My husband doesn't like going over there too when shes there. He says until the day she acknowledges what she has done or at the least that she has hurt you he doesn't ever care to talk to her again. The hard part is that he still wants a relationship with his dad. How do you keep things separate with out feeling like she is getting what she wants.

[Jennifer]

It seems like the more that you fight it, the more that she will think that she is getting her way. Does your husband take the kids over there? It would seem to be that you should be there too so you can oversee what she is doing and what the kids are doing? You can tell her frankly that you do not trust her to be honest with the kids and when she can show you some respect, then you can talk about the kids. For now, you will have to put on a good face and act like you are the BIGGER person because it doesn't sound like she will ever be the bigger person.

Sounds like you and your husband agree on the situation and I am sure that he is torn between what you want and what his mother wants. Make it easier for him and decide to go over there with the kids once in awhile. That way you and your husband don't have to feel bad about anything and you don't have to feel like he is betraying you.

[tjgross]

Yes, I agree. That it should only be us going there together as a family. We both told her, especially when she said to me all she wanted was my husband and the kids, that she gets all of us or none of us because we are a family. At first, he was bringing the kids over to visit without me, and after talks he knows that wasn't working.
I wish I could want to go over there, but first I don't feel the least bit welcomed over there mainly by the way she tells her family about us. If her family turns their cheeek to us, then obviously what she is saying is not good things. Right?! I have told her that "we" dont trust her with our kids. She says thats silly. Everything she says is "all in your head". I put it in a way that she'd understand too. I said that she doesn't bring her dtr to her aunts house with whom they do not trust, so the same goes here.

[tjgross]

She does things for "show". For example, for my birthday. My husband has another house he is fixing up, and she went over there put a cake in the freezer and a card. She didn't even tell my husband about it. I think that is so low. Why can't she just come over to our house, or why cant she even tell by husband she put it in there???
His sisters birthday is a couple days after mine, and I went to their house. I told myself I'd stop for just a few minutes give her a gift and say happy birthday. She wasn't home and my husband said to just leave it in the door like they do. So I text her on her cell phone, and she text my husband and said thanks!!!!

One more question. I get pictures of the kids taken, and I haven't given them any pictures. At X-mas time a few years ago, they like to use threat with me. His dad said you either let them spend the night here or I'm going to take their pictures and burn them. I said to myself after that I would not give them any pictures for them to burn. If people would ask why I don't give them pictures I would just tell them.
Do you think I should just send them a picture or two every year??

[Jennifer]

I can see how you feel, but she desrves credit for the cake. Sometimes you have take the smallest of things and go with it. How were you raised compared to your husband? You are going to have to find a middle ground with her and put yourself in control of when you see them and when you don't.

[tjgross]

Really! I found that very hurtful. Especially when I was there at the house earlier that evening and his dad was there and he did not even look at me or wouldn't even say a thing to me. But for my husband birthday they actually all come out and text him happy birthday! So then for her special days its o.k to just leave something in the door everytime. Then its the thought that counts each time???

[tjgross]

I know that they feel the same way. The appropriate way to give someone...especially family. My husband agrees. When someone leaves stuff like that somewhere else they are trying to avoid you. But she does it because she wants to say I gave her a gift and she never acknowledged it. I told her it would mean more to me if you didnt bring or send a gift and just came out to visit.

So for my kids pictures is it O.K. to just give them to my husbands aunt and tell her to give them to her. NO she would probaly tell me, "you go give them to her" Doesn't the same apply here. Even if she brought that cake out to our rental house, and even if she told my husband wouldn't he say why don't you give it to her. He had said that we should bring those pictures there and or his sisters gift and let them come and get them! I don't understand. I must not be seeing what you are seeing. I know it's the thought that counts but its the way she did it. Actually that house is less than a 5 minute drive from our house!!

[Jennifer]

I know but you are getting hung up on small details that is making your life more complicated. You are going to have to find a calm manner in which to deal with your mother-in-law. As far as the pictures go, that is up to you and your husband. I am not going to tell you what to specifically do or not to do. That is up to you to decide.

The fact that you keep on telling her that you cannt trust her has probably put her on the defensive and feels like an outsider. If you want your children and your husband to have a relationship with her, then you are going to have to work it out with her for now and come to a truce and then maybe in the future you can work on forming a relationship with her. For now it is just about co-existing to keep the peace.

[tjgross]

I think you are right about her being defensive from myself telling her I don't trust her. I feel the same way. They have ruined bridges with me too. They have told me that because I went back to school, that I didn't know what to do with my life. Or if I move to a different department at work that I don't have friends and I again don't know what I want to do. I have been in the same profession for 8 years. I just love getting the most experience I can get, MY goal is to get an advanced degree which will open up more doors for me. I feel like no matter what I will do, they will find a way to critique it. You know she told me that me and my husband's marriage was suffering and this was long before any of this was happening, I could have told her that she maybe needed to worry about her own marriage because her husband came over to our house all the time complaining about her, but I knew that wasn't my place to say that especially about someone elses marriage. That is between them.

I do feel like when I do try to open up to her, she ends up hurting me again and again and again. I guess i am tired of being hurt. I let the kids go over to their house for supper last christmas, and then about 2 weeks later we got a nasty letter from her sister who lives further away. I think I already explained that earlier.

I know I do focus on the small things, and you are right about that. What is your advise on that??

[Jennifer]

How is your relationship with your parents? That is great that you are trying to better yourself with education. She is prob just jealous of your acheivements and your marriage with her son and wants to try to ruin it. Don't let her.