Confused

[tjgross]

Id say now, my relationship with my parents is pretty good. I see them regularly. They watch the kids alot. I am the youngest of 6. We grew up in a small town, and family was all I knew of. We went to church 1-2 times a week.

I agree with you, and others have said that they think she is jealous of me and my husband. Since I married her only son, I will never be perfect enough or meet her standards. I have made alot of achievements in what I do. I think in a way she is jealous of what I have. She got pregnant with my husband when she was 16. So we are only 17 years apart! So she was still in high school when she had my husband, so she had to have her mother watch him every day to go to high school. I think she looks at that and thinks she should be watching the kids everyday. I did give her a chance at watching the kids, but our schedules didn't work. And then once his sister was going to watch him and then she cancelled and said she didn't feel comfortable watching him. No big deal. I understand that. But when I said I would just stay home that day, she forcefuly said no I'll watch him. I was confused. I did not understand how they thought I'd could go to work when his sister said she did not feel comfortable watching him. So, right there I was the mean one.
I think we do compete in things, and it does not help that we are both nurses either. I even worked at the same place as her, and I seen our differences and moved to a bigger hospital. I never told her that was the reason I left nor did I tell my husband that. When I decided to go to nurses training, I think she thought it was an honor, now I am not so sure. Because I am do far more with my degree than she has. And Believe me I am not competing with her. I just like to be involved and have the experience. But they accuse me of not knowing what I want to do because I'll go from job to job. When in fact I have been at the same hospital for 8 years! I have transfered to a couple different dept. mainly due to hours, and work. But that's my choice. When in fact his Dad had 4 different jobs in 2 years, and for a year didn't even have a job!!!

[Jennifer]

I think you hit the nail on the head with your comments because she can only experience what she knows. You have far exceeded her and her expecations of what a person can do. I do think it is impressive of her that she had a child in highschool raised him and still went on to nursing school. To me that is impressive and sometimes people do not realize there own accomplishments.

Sounds like you both have similar personalites and that is part of the reason for the clash. She is a fighter and someone that knows how to survive and that is honorable.

How are things between you two?

[tjgross]

Yes, I do think she has accomplished alot and I have looked up to her for being a nurse. I even had her do my "pinning" at my nursing graduation.

Things between us, well we haven't talked in several years. We see each other maybe 3 times a year, and the visits are generally not pleasant. I have always felt like I enjoyed her company but I always felt like I was being pushed away, like she really did not like my company. The way she acted and treated me happened after we got married. They have said to me, now is not your time to be close to each other! I really felt like I wanted a relationship with my mother in law. It may have been as simple as what she wants in the relationship may not be what I want. I really started getting confused, when the kids came, and she would accuse me of never letting them "have' them. She has had plenty of opportunities with the grandkids, but she also must realize we have 2 families, my family and my husband's family, and plus "Our" family. They spent the night every couple months or so. We even got her to babysit when we had our 1st child. We soon realized that wasn't going to work, so we got a private, non-family babysitter. She wanted the to take the kids to the fair, and it was also extremely hot out that particular day with heat advisories out. I also, had taken vacation from work that week to take the kids to the fair. Well, asked my husband if she could have the kids Monday to take them to the fair. I ended up returning the call, and started the conversation out that, We already have plans to go to the fair. She starting accusing me of never letting her have the kids. I reminded her of the times when I let her have the kids, like picking them up at the sitters to take them to a library program when I was working. She started asking who was I going with. She found out I was working SUn night, and automaticaly thinks I don't have plans. Many of the times I work nights, and go straight home and do things with the kids and then take a nap with them when they nap. I brought up how we were going to go in the evening b/c it was going to be so hot. I simply asked "why, don't you ever ask me to go with you when you wanna do stuff with the kids" and she hung up on me, and we have spoke much since. I know asking, a why question wasn't the right thing. But why cant' she take an answer of we already have plans to go. She did not know I took vacation, and that we were already going. ANyway, only a few seconds after she got off the phone with me, she called my husband and was tellling him how mean I was to her, and I was yelling and screaming at her, and I wasn't. She tends to over exacterate things. Well, she did the same thing about 8 months ago, and it involved both of us. She said that we were attacking her. When she came over to visit, we gave her a letter that we got from her sister, saying how she can't believe how we are treating her and her husband and his sister, and we need to get over it and apologize. This was from someone who lives 800 miles away!
I get so frustrated with her continuous acts of meaness, and do I have to take it just because she is family?

[Jennifer]

No you do not have to take her meaness, but you do have to take her. Only you can control how she acts towards you and it sounds like your husband wants to be left out of it, so yes it is up to you to set boundaries

[tjgross]

Yes, I know I am the only one in charge of how I feel. How do you deal with someone who dislikes you so much. What do you do when she is mean to me!?

We have tried confronting her about something both me and my husband felt was an issue. She was telling the other family (cousins, aunts, undles) about us. Now, we see his family in public, and they turn and walk away. They won't even talk to us. She seemed o.k. when we were talking to her, but when she left she told her husband how we "attacked her", now they won't come out here at all only for my husbands birthday. I am so upset with her how she has changed the story around, exaterated it to make us again look bad. I am so sick of how she operates. I honestly, get physical symptoms when she even walks in the room. My heart starts pounding. I am so sick of how she lies. I have told her that I am hurt by her lies, and it all ends up backfiring at me.

[Jennifer]

It really sounds like you have done everything in your power to try to make friends and be nice to her and it also sounds like you and your husband are unified in your thinking about his mother. You and your husband will have to decide together if you want to keep her in your life or not.

I have a mother-in-law who I am still trying to understand. I was told recently that not everyone is suppossed to be friends/close to your inlaws. I think we image that when we marry their son that gives us instant access, but what it really does it takes their son away from them, especially the moms.

You cannot do anymore than you are doing and the fact that you are trying to understand her is more than she is doing. Talk to your husband and figure out together how to proceed with this.

[tjgross]

That's our problem we don't know where to go. I guess we are hoping that we will wave that magic wand and we'll all be happy. THey don't think they are ever mean or say anything hurtful.....that its all in my head. I can try to sit down with her and talk it over with her but she'll later say that I was screaming at her. I have been back-stabbed by her saying things to me, and then she denies ever saying them when my husband asks her. I know I am not crazy. I have a really good memory. I think her non-verbals speak loud too.

I mean, when they do come to visit, once a year, they look past me and only talk to my husband and my kids. How would you deal with that??

I guess when we first started dating and before we got married I treated and respected her like a friend or even a mother. I overlooked alot. I had her do so many special things in my life and in our lives. I am devestated that she says I keep her from the kids. She was the first people we called when we got engaged....she didn't act happy, and didn't even look at my ring for a long time a month I think....cause she wasn't happy that her son didn't let her know first??, then I had her do my pinning at my nursing graduation (she was a nurse too), I invited her to her first grandchild's first ultrasound....but yet I get the treatment of you don't know what you wanna do in your life, you treat your family aweful, you don't have any friends at work, you and your marriage with your husband is suffering....I really am begining to wonder what she is trying to do??

[Jennifer]

Okay, so here is the million dollor question, are you imagining how she treats you? Would you like more? Can you pretend and "kill her with kindness" for the short time you are together. That is what i would do.

I wouldnot let it affect my relationship or my children.

[tjgross]

Absolutely not. I feel like it is very real. I don't feel like I am imagining things. I think she knows that she says those things to me, but she can twist them up and make them my fault. I always, felt guilty cause I didn't see her viewpoint, and I'd be the one apologizing. But, I think its her turn to say...I am sorry. I think sometimes words spoken hurt so much it's beyond words. She accuses me that I should learn to forgive more. I have said that I have, but when it becomes a cycle I don't want to be hurt again, and I would think it would be natural to just avoid the situation and her. But why do I feel so horrible that I avoid them now? My husband thinks that it is because I know it's not right, and it's not the first way I'd do things and its not usual for me to do that.

His family had told him, that they have always been obsessive & bull headed parents especially when raising him. they have said they laugh when they accuse me a keeping the grandkids from them when, that is exactly what they did raising their son. (Believe me, that had plenty of time with them, that my parents had limited time, just so we could please them). They said no-one was allowed to watch them. Am I wrong, but as a new mother, you want to spend the time with your childrent. I did not have children so I could ship them off to Grandma & Grandpas every night or week. I think as a mother I have the right to enjoy my time with my kids. I also, think it is essential for the growth & development of them. They need to develop a trust and bond with their parents early on. If we shipped them off to Grandparents house everyweekend.....will that affect them later on. Now when they are older 3 or 4 yes, I agree that they start getting more freedom, and need to start spending more time with others especially grandparents. I always felt like it was her way or no way. And she did not respect my wishes, and if I set boundaries with her she'd just hang up on me, or say I was attacking her. How do you deal with people like that.??? I often wonder if killing her with kindness would even work?? Why not let her be the one to do it. I often wonder too, and me and my husband agrree on this, that she is at the age of menopause, with mood swings, and their other child is out of the house now. Is she experiencing those effects of menopause and mood swings?? If so do you forgive for all those things and move on, but know it will happen again. Because for past 10 years that was the trend.??

[Jennifer]

i am replying to both of your posts and i am basically saying the same thing so I will just reply to one, either in-laws or confused. The posts have combined into one topic.