Confused

[Jennifer]

couldn't have said it better myself

[tjgross]

What would your advice be to "deal with them" in the future? I know my husband has written a letter to them, and he has talked with them. When I tried to talk to him about this...all he has said is its over and I have let them go". Now, anytime we both have tried to talk to them..they say they will continue to treat me the way that they do because its not wrong.
I guess I want your advice about how to deal with them when/if they ever come over here?? I know if they want things to work out "they need" to offer some caring acts too. I asked them to go to Grandparents day. I think it is important that I do the asking because even though its mutal decison making..anytime they dont get the kids they point the finger at me regardless of the reason!!
I think the biggest thing for me is Trust. How can they expect me to trust them when they say hurtful things to me, and then lie to my face and deny it to my husband when he asks!! How can you ever believe anything they say or do.
I tell you I have alot on my plate now. My family is not much better. I at least can talk to them, and they are nice. But never been supportive in much I do. When I went to college....you would have thought the world came to an end. It was something that people in the town I grew up in did not do. I mean when I got my BSN no one acknowledged it...to them it means you are going to make more money. Then no-one even acknowledges that I am in school to get my Nurse Practitioner.
Then I married my husband who is not CATHOLIC....and again that was like I was going to H...!! Well last week, my parents sold the farm, and moved. They moved on a Sat. ANd my brother in law told my husband that they ONLY wanted the guys to help (GOOD THING THEY INCLUDE MY HUSBAND)...but he strictly said no kids and that he did want to be tripping over kids. Well, that was fine I thought well, makes sense. They are going to just be moving big things...So I stayed home with kids. They called and all the kids (all 14 grandkids...range from 1 year to 14 years) and other family members were there! I was so upset.... YIKES in the midst of all the problems with inlaws I feel like I am about to melt.!!

[Jennifer]

i've said this before and I will say it again, as long as you and your husband agree on how to deal with them, then that is what you should do. he makes good sense when he says to drop it. if you want to invite them to something for your children's sake do so, but that has nothing to do with trust or forming a relationship with them.

same goes with your family. you need to try to let go of your extended family and focus on your immediate family and how you can make your family better and how you and your husband can teach them how to love/respect/and be open to change which seems as if your family and his is lacking.

[tjgross]

I get what you say!. There are so many times when people upset me and all I say is that they are "peripheral". I don't care what they think of say about me because as long as I am happy that is all that matters.
I know one of my weakness is that if I do a good dead, I expect them to return a good dead too. I think this is more true with my inlaws. I think this is so because for years, I felt like I was the always giving but never seemed to get anything in return. It's been the type of relationship that has been ....you give...but we dont....and if you dont we'll be the first to point it out. You know when you keep trying and trying in relationships like these there comes a point when you cant try anymore and enough is enough. I have come to determine that they DO NOT like me, and no matter what I do or say that it still wont change their thoughts and feelings of me!! So I kinda of feel....like I give up! But apart of me says that I should not because its his family.....I toss myself back and forth. I know I spend alot of energy that could be spent more in other areas. I guess I can wait around and wait for them to make the next move but I have a strong feeling that it WILL never happen. I think that thought itself makes me depressed and down. I don't know where I went wrong. I look at how my mom treats my sister in law. She never has thrown a "temper tantrum" when she doesn't get the kids. & this was how it all happened. Anytime I told her that "we" had plans she go running to my husband telling on me!!! Well, for me enough was engough...she had to know her boundaries, but its not gone well for me. I feel like when I do address things w/ them it never goes good..no matter what. Are they trying to control the way I react. Do they want me to be scared so can have more control.

She'll say how "I keep" the kids from her...well the same went with her and their daughter. I would have loved to have spent more time with her and my mother in law. But they have brainwashed her so much that they say "shes scared of you"....well thats funny looks like the same thing going with kids ( I dont' trust them) on but they dont see it.

Now with my family, co-workers, family. I find myself getting over things easily. I don't care what they think. I don't expect one nice deed for another! Now is that because I feel valued, I feel like they return the niceness back to me.

Well, I uou know I asked the inlaws to go to my son's grandparent luncheon today.... I think my husband told them it was over....But I asked them via text..(thats the only way you/I can talk to them). They said they would go. Well, today is the day. They text my husband saying thanks for asking them to go and that they would see brandon today at noon. I think they do stuff like that to despite me. Again, here it goes again, they will acknowlege my husband when "good" things happen between us, but when 'bad' things happen then my name is always attached irregardless.

[Jennifer]

somehow you are going to get over this, you say that you don't care what others think of you, but you expect a good deed returned if you do one. that contradicts each other. if you want them to be in your children's lives then invite them for things that involve them and let your husband deal with it. doesn't sound as they are going to wake-up one day and just make things better between you, NOT going to happen.

[tjgross]

I realize that they are not going to Magically one day just love me and accept me for who I am. I know thats not going to happen!! However, I do want them in "our" lives....but I think it must be a mutal feeling. AH this is REALLY hard when you are the one who wants something but the other side doesn't. I think its hard when they have strongly verbalized that they want the kids and my husband and thats it.. So I think that when I want something in return idea comes from that. Am I testing them to see if they can include me, the kids and my husband (the whole family) or will things always be separte. IF separate is what they want then I don't want the kids growing up this way!! I really dont! I think that they see that this is acceptable. The reason I asked them to go to grandparents day is because first its only 1 hour, its toatly monitored, my parents will be there, and my son told me that "mom, maybe they will like you if "you" ask them to come"! He says he likes them but only a little because they are so mean to you and dad....So continuing this would only confuse the boy!! But yet I want to show him, that you must be nice, regardless of how people treat you and that people do change.

Now, I think I am much better about how I feel they think about me. For example, his sister doesn't want anything to do with me, has not spoke to me for about 4 years. I am ok with that...thats her choice..I have attended her graduation, went out to their house for her birthday, ect. But until the feelings are mutual in this relationship I am ok with all of it. She makes her own decisions now. However, in return also she can not expect me to just "want" to be in her life either. I think the same goes for my kids and my husband. If she is not willing to give a little then she cant expect to have a relationship with the kids nor her brother. We are not going to just bring the kids to her to satisfy her needs. I think, she has to show us that she wants to be in "a relationship" with us.
I guess, the same should go with the inlaws. We can make these small steps, but until they start making steps to show us that they want to include "all" of us then things will continue to be separate. Now deciding on when and how much we ask them to do things with the kids will have to be up to me and my husband. If we just ask them to do things like this then so be it.
I know you have said it before, the kids will see how separate the relationships are between us. If we teach them how to love one another and recieve love then recognize this as "unhealthy". In addition, we can recieve love from others it doesn't have to be from them!!
Is this normal to go through all this? Its hard to just not want to be apart of a family you married into!! I guess I take it personally, but it is sure hard not to. I have always been told that I have charism, that people tend to want to be around me. My patients I care for say they feel calm feeling when I am their nurse. I guess I am confused then, how can I be so disliked by them?? Like you have said I am a people pleaser and its hard for me not to care what others think, but its even harder when its family. I wonder how they will deal with their daughters boyfriends, husbands or will it be different because its not their only son??

[Jennifer]

yes it is normal, my MIL made my husband biscotti's and she really just made them for him because I am allergic to nuts and they all have nuts in them. When you have kids it stops becoming about you and becomes about them. I want my inlaws in my kids lives and if she doesn't understand how to treat me which she doesn't then that is okay as long as she is fair to our kids and treat them well. I can handle her I am an adult and know how I am and what I stand for. You need to know the same thing and be okay with the relationship that you have from them. You keep on saying that you know they won't change but you keep on expecting them to change and accept you. doesn't work that way.

[tjgross]

Ok they won't change. But I think both me and my husband do not trust them around the kids. My husband does not want them in our lives if they continue treating me this way. We both think its unhealthy for the kids to see this, in addition for myself. Yes, I can handle them. I stand up to them...show them where the boundaries are and I think they know where the boundaries are and but they continue to cross them because they know it will upset me! I also think it is unfair for both for both me and my husband to have to completely alter "our family" life for them!! They really need to grow up. I also feel some anger....she had her time to raise her family, now let us have our time. I feel like their inappropriate actions only impede on "our family"!!
If they don't want me apart of the family (when they often voice this) then they really should not expect us to come around or time with the kids. I mean we have not been invited to Christmas or Thanksgivings and quite frankly its because of me. I want to just crawl in a hole with feeling like this. Do you let them go because thats what they want....or do you not. My husband has told them they get ALL OF US OR NONE OF US. However, you already know what they want, but yet we continue to allow time with the kids. This is unhealthy!!I do feel strongly that this is unfair for the children, and they did not choose this so thus I do feel guilty. However, I pray someday that just maybe they will see whats going on??

[Jennifer]

you need to listen to your husband, he seems to be able to see this in a rational way, you have personalized this so much that you believe that it is you and that there is something wrong with you, there isn't and thats the end of it. doesn't sound as if they want to be a part of your life so its a non issue anyways, you need to find some peace and let this go.

[tjgross]

I am so insainly confused its sick. Last night my husbands aunt (the only one who has been nice to us) came over to talk to us. We talked and talked about us and my husbands parents. We told her the stuff that he tells me. We actually went out of town prior to Christmas mainly to just be able to have a good stress free Christmas with out the chance of them coming out and "ruining" it. His mom actually called and said how his dad was in the hospital for christmas eve and christmas for a blood clot. That week prior he went out for lunch with his dad which did make me a little upset because he has been telling me how he doesnt want anything to do with them and I just need to "let them go" because he has! Anyways his mom called again to say how she had presents for tom and the kids and repeatedly said that and they wanted him to come out after we got back from Tennesse.
Anyways his aunt came out to talk to us. She was so understanding and nonjudgemental. She constantly held my hand, hugged me and told me how much that she loved me. That right there made me feel like she can put herself in my shoes and she cares. But she went on to say how they love me and how much they want to see the kids. I can't believe that. I cant believe that someone who tells them that all they want was my husband and the kids, who tells me in front of the kids that the devil is coming to get me, that I needed to go F***** back to the town I came from because we don't need you here, other names, basicaly say how they wont be happy til we are divorced.... how in the world can I begin to think for a minute that they love me in any way!! I CANT. I CANT deal with all this. She tells me how that is just the way he is.....he really does not mean it..Yeah right. If you loved someone my heart believes that you would not treat each other this way.
She did say that "jill you are the one who has everything the hardest". Which is absolutely true. His parents are going to love their son no matter what they want.....They will love their grandkids no matter what too!! And that is just the way things go. But they have and probably always will depise me for whatever reason.
I just dont know what to do!! She comes over saying how ill this has made the both of them. How his dad is real sick and his mom has her own things going on too. Basically they have aged from all the stress. Is that suppose to make me feel guilty, and wanna be with them???
His aunt has begged us that to just get over things and talk to them. I just really dont think I can take it!! I don't think first that I can trust them...they have lied so many times to me to basically get my husband on their side. Does anyone say how much this has hurt myself, my husband or the kids??? NO. Why should we have pitty on them.... I honestly dont think I can handle any more of them. I have come to terms that we will never be.THey have hurt me so much and said so may hurtful things that I can't believe anyone would even expect me to just forgive them!!

[Jennifer]

i think you all need to see a therapist to iron out these issues once and for all.

[tjgross]

Well, the holidays are approaching! That seems as if that is the only time you hear from them. They sent a messeage to my husband Tom. It said: Tommy we sure do miss YOU and we wish we could be a family again". They have not talked to me since last year at this time. They only talk to Tom. Which is allright...but when things are address like that..It makes me believe what they say "all we want is tom and the kids"....
I know things will NEVER work out if things are seperated like they want. ANd I don't think Tommy wants it that way either. First, he sees how much hurt they cause me but also to the kids!
My thoughts: are they will not stop until we are seperated. ANd that makes me ill!...I did not ask for this. All I have ever wanted was to be apart of a family that cares and treats you like part of the family.

[Jennifer]

once again i will say it, it is time for you and your mother-in-law to think about therapy and work on these issues.

[tjgross]

It has been about 16 months now, since I have had any contact with my in laws. I told them if they could not treat me with respect, with out calling me names and bad mouthing me infront of my husband and kids then they were not welcomed into our home. Well, they have not been back. I feel alot better, have been seeing my friends more, not having depression like symptoms, and i feel like life is wonderful again. Part of me wants "that second family" that you are suppose to inherent when you get married, but I realize the facts that this is not possible at least right now.

A few weeks back, they have been texting my husband wanting to get together. from reading through their texts I dont feel as though things have changed. They stilll talk about they dont understand what they have done so wrong for all this to happen. They continue to only talk about my husband and the kids. My gut feelings tell me their is motive.....and they are not sorry and most importantly not willing to change to make the relationship healthy.

Well, his aunt (the only aunt that will talk to us), called asked if we would go out to eat with them . Her husband is not doing well, and he would like to get everyone together. Well, we went. We went for him. I talked to a pastor who I work with. He said something will tell you if things are ok, or something will tell you that you should keep your distance. And that was true. I still felt alot of anger from his dad, so I kept my distance....if they came up to me I would talk, but not going to go out of my way.

Well, then this week his cousin ran into my husband at one of my sons 4-h meetings. She asked if they could talk. She said that their family which is my mother in laws side of the family is starting to see our side of the story. They feel horrible for locking us out of the "family" for the past 4-5 years. She apparently, blew up at her sister at a grocery store, made a real big scene, and was calling everyone names and badmouthing everyone in the family...Just like she would do to me. Well, in a way, I feel so relieved to know...its not just me, and that they are starting to see the real story. I kept telling myself that the truth will come out in the end. Of coarse, it has been a long journey, but hopefully it will pay off in the end. They could not believe how she acted. Now, she does not want to have any contact with her family.!!! Pretty much like she does with us!! Sad part is that she brings her dtr into it too. She is 20, but for past 5 years, she has not been allowed to talk to us, and now she is not allowed to talk to her own family.

Anyways, all of our talks has helped. I stood to my grounds. I told them what the boundaries were, and that my kids are not going to grow up in this unhealthy enviroment. Of coarse they need grandparents, and I would not purposefully keep them from them, but they way the act we both felt that it was unhealthy for them. This kind of exposure could affect them for the rest of their lives. I have met many amazing people in my life (being a nurse), and there are many that say, I wish you were my daughter because of how sweet I am. I was always so confused because they would say nothing nice about me, but the people that I am around every day, always say such nice and sweet things. I soon began to realize that they were saying all that to bring me down....to lower my self esteem so I would not believe all that.
Anyways, there are people out there that want to be apart of my life, and my kids life. You know, even though they are not blood related, opening up my arms and my family we have the potential to have a "bigger" and much happier family. They dont all have to be blood related!!!

I strongly feel that things all happen for a reason, and those who are honest and loving will prosper in the end. All the lies his dad and mom would say did not mean anything because it is so weak. The truth will stand over any lie! And now I think his family is now seeing this! I think now, we will have the support from his entire family.
Now, my husband totally supports me. He has seen the hurt I went through, he has seen all that the kids have been through too. I think it was hard for him to accept, because your parents are suppose to set an example, and to be loving and truthful. And when he tried to believe them, they had let him down. And I think the most hurtful thing of all, is that they done love and accept the woman of his life now. They have burned alot of bridges, and will take a long time to re-build. Because trust is the hardest thing to regain!

You know, my mother in law is needing therapy, but until someone is willing to accept that they need help you cant change. So it may be a long long time before they ever accept that they are the problem and they need help. My husband agrees with that. He said they are going to grow to be lonely people until they accept that they need help. they are losing their whole entire family by the mean things they say and by the way they treat others and lie about everything to benefit them at the moment.


Anyways, thanks for all your support and guidance!

[Jennifer]

glad to hear your accepting the reality of the situation and its a shame that it has to be that way but it sounds as if you can develop a relationship with the rest of the family that would be great! hope one day they can see the errors of there ways, one can only hope