Confused

[tjgross]

I continue to have problems with inlaws. I am calm around them, but they irritate me. You know you can give all you want to make a relationship work, but if both sides don't give it's never gonna work. I truely have tried to talk to them, but they are so bull-headed that they don't offer anything. I think that's irritating. They continue to show me that all they want is my husband and the kids. That's great but it only puts a strain on our marriage. I think my husband sees that. It also is putting a strain on the kids. The other day they came over to visit after my surgery. They came (just to show their face is how I feel), because my husband had to leave to go show a rental of ours to a couple after they had come. It was only a few minutes. Prior to this they came and did the same thing. They find out that he is not home and they immediately say oh we gotta go! Well, this time my husband said he had to leave for little bit to show this rental house to a couple and they again immediately said oh we gotta go too. My husband said no stay Jill is the reason you came out to visit anyways and said he'd be back shortly. As soon as he got to the road, the feelings and the way they acted towards me got cold. My mother in law immediately asked my son to see his tadpole he's raising. And my father in law sat in the living room with me....and again a cold feeling. They came out to visit after my surgery....but not once did they ask how I was feeling? Thats the reason I feel they just came out to say they did not because they really care.
Well, I talked to my husband and we talked how they acted and how much it is irriatating me and hurting me. He agreed. I also assured him I wasn't mad at him cause I know that he can not control how his parents act but I said he had to start standing beside me. I said his dad and mom too absolutely refuse to talk to me. They stay somewhat civil when we are around each other. But I can only remember their threats they make, and how she said all she wanted was her son and the grandkids. So they way they act still makes me believe thats still the same. My husband is pretty irritated at her too. he sees how hard I try but there is no give from their end. But what hurts the most is what my son said after his parents left that day. Its sad but he sees how they act towards me, and if they only knew they are losing their grandkids too. After, they left that day my son said you know mom I really don't like that grandma and grandpa because they are not nice to you! That breaks my heart to hear an innocent child see that. I don't think its healthy for them either. Believe me, I am nice when I am around them. I tell them what he is doing in preschool, show him what he's doing, ect.....but there is nothing coming from them.
Do you have any suggestions??? Do you just continue playing along with them hoping and praying that some day they will see the light. I can't understand how they think that they can have a relationship with my husband and the grandkids without acknowledging that I am apart of all that!! It's so hurtful, and sometimes that makes me upset. It makes me upset because I know that is not the right thing to do. I mean I see how his mom has turned his family (her side of the family) against us. No one on that side of the family will even acknowledge us!! I know it's all because of me....the fact that we don't get along. But I don't know what else to do. I mean the whole reason it got to this point is cause she was so controlling over the grandkids and accused me of never letting them see them. When actually they were they only ones to see them. they seen them weekly. I don't think that's bad?? maybe I'm wrong. No matter how much I try to get to know them....they make me that much more confused.

[Jennifer]

You mentioned surgey a couple of times, but didn't say what it was and if you are okay. I think that this has gone on long enough for you and I've always mentioned that you have to protect the children. If if your husband tells them to be nice to you, that is not going to work and it sounds as if your husband is as sick of this as you are.

You are looking to me to give you the answer that you cannot tell yourself which it is time to cut them out of your lives. I cannot tell you to do that, that is only something that you can tell yourself to do, but this is not going to get any better.

Have you ever come right out and asked them why they don't like you? It might be time for bluntness and get to the root of the problem, worth a shot.

[tjgross]

Yes, I have asked them why don't you like me. At the beginning of all this she had no clue that anything was ever wrong. She is so blind to how she acts...or I think that she thinks that they are the parents and they the only ones who deserves respect. Rightfully so, I have gave them my respect and in the end they have accused my of being so disrespectful to them. I mean I have always put them first, when I was struggling in college to make ends meet. I would cut food out to make sure they had a gift for their b-day. Or I had to make sure I took a vacation day on their birthday because I was considered disrespectful if I didn't come over on their birthday ect....But in the same tone she has accused me to my face that me and my husbands marriage is failiing or that I don't have any friends simply because I changed a job!!
Unfortunately, they are family and I need to learn ways to deal with them because they are not going to go away. For my husband's sake they are his family and that is not fair to him...but for all do respect to me and the kids it's not fair to be treated like scum or to have my children see that. I don't want them to think that is a "normal" inlaw relationships. I think having inlaws could be a wonderful thing...that when you get married you inherit a whole new family. With them I have always felt like an outsider and that I am not really part of the family. There was times when she'd have a party with all the girls (basically all the girls in the family) and my husband would stop by and ask where's Jill? And she say oh I never thought I should invite her. (this was before everything really happened). Even now, we went out to eat with the entire family. Everyone sat with their family except us! I think it looks really bad and it obviously makes us feel let down. Or when his sister graduated from h.s. she saved front row seats for her whole family..aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins. But did she save a spot for us?? No!! Can you see why I feel that way. But yet I am expected to or I know what is right to do. Like my son has grandparents day..I try to be fair and alternate my parents with his parents. But why should I? I have been having no feelings for them lately. I tell myself I don't need them...they are not my family. But I find it so difficult getting past the feelings that I'd love to have inlaws who love you like part of the family... or even just acknowledge you.
I guess I am looking to you for guidance in these tough feelings. I talk to my mom alot because she doesn't take sides for one. She always tells me You need to be the adult here and things like Kill them with kindness. I have but it doesn't help. I have done this for the past 11 years! I know I can't change them. I wish they could hear the grandkids say what they say about them maybe they would open their eyes. But the problem is they think "I make it all up" and they are not the problem!!! Typical.

[Jennifer]

if you are able to be blunt with them then, each time you feel as if they are rude to you, you need to speak up. it seems apparent to everyone except them and its time they understood what their actions mean to you and your family

[tjgross]

Yes, when I do this it usually doesn't go well!! They don't want to hear it! They say hurtful things and when I tell them that that is hurtful then they say you are too sensitive. They have the philosphy that it's better left unsaid. Yes, in some circumstances that's true! They also think that things will just get better with time....and in this case I don't feel this is true! With time I have just learned to have less and less feelings for them!! Also, their way of tackling a problem is to avoid. I think that is why we clash!! Problems just build up on each other and when you don't talk things through they just blow up as they did in our case.

[Jennifer]

this is not about you hurting them, this is about them hurting you. of course they don't like it, but it needs to be done in order to break this pattern

[tjgross]

Yes, I agree. But how do you approach someone who ONLY thinks they are not the problem. No matter what I say...the way I feel is not right....according to them anyways. She'll say you are crazy and YOU are the one that needs help. When actually, they are the one that can accept that I am politely saying that I am hurt when this happens. And they also say that I am disrespectful to them because I have tried this. His dad has said to me that, "You need to take what ever we do and say to you because we are your husbands parents". Believe me I have said I do not agree with that. I have said you deserve respect and I deserve respect too.
Me and my husband have caught them in so many lies it would be hard to even trust them!! They have made so many threats to me with the kids, that I can't believe they would even think that I would let my kids be with them---alone anyways. I would really love to ask them to spend the day at a Grandparents event at my son's preschool, but I can't get past the feelings of hurt. why should I include them when they don't want to include me!! I KNOW what I want to do is the RIGHT thing to do....but why should I do something for them!! I have thought I could ask them, but there is a trust issue too. I don't want my kids to be without Grandparents. I realize how special that bond is. But I also think that if they want that bond they need to grow up and start treating me as part of the family! If they don't want to grow up.......then they are the ones who are missing out. Is that how I should be thinking with them or should I suck it up and try to let them have their own relationships???? I am confused in that aspect. My husband seems to think that the kids should not suffer because we can't get along?? He thinks that we should allow them to have some time with them but to keep it limited and monitored at times. What's your thoughts on that? I agree, but it makes me angry that she has bad mouthed us so much to her family that they want nothing to do with us....why do "we" have to give her what she wants after that!??

[Jennifer]

I have told you how I feel on this subject matter many times and it has not changed. You have to take control of your relationship with them and stop letting them control how you think/feel. It is not up to her to decide for you how to act, it is up to you to decide how to act around them and get your husband on board and make it so. You cannot change them, only you can change how you react to them and how you act around them.

[reecemanley]

There are many roles in play in this situation, and, guess what, you can only control your role! We are not powerless of others, however, we are much more powerful over ourselves!

You might try focusing on you. What can you do to make the situation better? What needs to happen to have your needs met? What payoffs are you getting by keeping the situation inflamed?

That last one is a challenge for most of us. If I continue to participate in a situation I am getting a payoff of some kind for it. Is it attention? Is it the opportunity to play the victim? These are hard questions, but deserve honest answers.

What is the payoff for everyone in the situation? What needs are they meeting through their behavior? How could these needs be met in a more positive way?

Blessings,
Reece

[tjgross]

I think you summed it up in a nutshell. I know what I should do, like letting the kids see their grandparents, but I don't get any respect in the end from doing these things so it make me upset and I don't want to keep doing such things. Your right!! I could not understand why I do the right thing, feel good about what i did, but later I always feel like why in the world do i even acknowledge them because they don't to me but yet don't want anything to do with me. For example, we have invited them to kids birthday party, but not even sure if they will come. Yes, I will be mad and upset, but I am learning not to get so upset because I know "I" can't control what they do!! I can only control what I do...like invite them. However, with them it seems like a ever revolving door.. Because they want everything but are also not willing to give a little to make the relationship work. I really think they are crazy to think that they will just get the kids and my husband!! I think what they are doing does strain our marriage and so maybe they are getting what they want??? I guess if they do...that is sure evil of them!! Thanks, that was real helpful. I think the hardest thing is doing the right thing, but not getting anything in return. They want to be asked to do things with the grandkids to meet their personal satisfactions and to fullfill their role as grandparents. However, so do I, I want to be included and asked to do things, and full fill my need as a daughter in law.....not just some person who has to sit on the sidelines when they have their time with their grandkids.

[reecemanley]

You are dong a great job of doing the right thing....for you. That's where you've got to keep the focus. I admire you for making the decisions you are making. It sounds like you really don't get any acknowledgement from them. But, you realize you are making good efforts so you give yourself a pat on the back. That's an a-okay thing. We all need to pat ourselves on the back sometimes!

You're also doing a smart thing to realize you can't really exercise any power of them. It's frustrating, but it's the way things work.

I hope the birthday goes well. If they don't come, it's their loss. Either way, you've got to get in there and give to the situation what you can. Kids deserve to have great birthdays and you're doing that by keeping the focus on them and how you can best play your role.

[tjgross]

Yes, I believe I know what the right thing to do is. But what I struggle with is when I get thoughts in my mind like why does she/they deserve their grandkids. At one time they were making threats to me and when I would tell my husband about them they would deny all of that, but yet when we are all together they would admit to it but would have some reason for why they said that. To me either way it was mean to say and I really don't agree with all the threats. They told me once they were gonna burn all their pictures of my kids unless they got to see them more. (they were already seeing them on a weekly basis), and that they had the right to go pick my kids up any time at the sitters! I find their lies and threats lead me to not trust them. ANd I began to think if they wanted to make threats like that then they dont deserve to have grandkids. They also accused me of child abuse because I didn't give them more time with them. But I did explain that we had kids to have our own family and I thought weekly visits was ok. They are very obsessive. I just find it difficult to keep on doing the "right' things with them.
I think I was in a lot of verbal abuse from my in-laws. They always told me how I didn't have any friends, and that no-one likes me at work. I started back to school, and I am graduating with my BSN in nursing (Ihave had my associates degree in Nursing for 9years). with highest honors. I applied for Nurse Practitioner school and plan to start this summer. They have not supported my endenvours to continue school. They only said you never know what you want in life. Yes, at the beginning of my BSN I didn't really know. But I really believe that the more education helped me decide what I wanted to do!! At work I would work in a unit for 2-3 years, and go to the next because I wanted to get multiple areas of experience under my belt. But they accused me of having no friends at work and that I just went from job to job because of that. I know I have alot of friends or I would not have been able to keep my sanity through this horrible inlaw relationship. Anyway I did not think I have to explain why I went from unit to unit..it was because I wanted to get a wide array of experience so I could become a Nurse Practitioner.

Yes, I am excited about my son's 5th birthday. He is such a wonderful kid. He is the light of my life. He has so many friends in life so far. I let him write out all the invitations, and help in the planning of the party. He really enjoyed that. He is going to have a great day tomorrow. We will have a wonderful day filled with friends and family. If they chose to come that's great if not....your right that is their loss.

[Jennifer]

Congradulations on your advanced degrees and your son's birthday. You have so many positives in your life that it almost seems cruel that you cannot enjoy them. Be proud of your accomplishments and how you are raising your kids because you are doing a great job!

[tjgross]

O.K. I invited them to my son's birthday party...and they did not come. Now they came over tonight 15 minutes before my husband was expected to be home from work! (They are well aware of when he gets home from work). I could see the hate in his dads eyes when they came up to the door tonight. I told the kids to go to their room. I answered the door and ask what I could help them with, and let them know Tom (my husband was not home), they said We are here to see our grandson. Firmly. I asked them, "where were you Sunday? I said Brandon was devastated that you did not come. They responded with We are still heart broken about Easter. Well, they called Tom and invited and this is after they have already been pretty rude to me and after my son has made comments about their visits. I actually had to work all weekend Fri, Sat, and Sun 12 hours nights and had class on Monday morning. He said we would not be able to make it out cause I worked all weekend. I suppose they were mad at that. Actually I did not know they called until Sunday night! Anyway if I would have told my mom and dad that I could not make it out cause I was working all weekend....they would be fine with that and maybe schedule some other time. Anyway, so that tells me that they did not come to my sons birthday because of that!
He called me a B**** and by this time the kids are standing right behind me. He said I could go F***** back to Burketsville because we don't need you! This shows you how much they knew about me.....i grew up in Coldwater. They said you hate us don't you...they say this every time. Every time I say I do not hate you or anyone. But I think things have gone way too far and now that you are involving the kids this is when I draw the line! He said I am a child abuser because I don't let them see their grandkids....ect. As he was leaving he said the Devil is going to come and get you! They had a gift for my son, but said he is not getting it because "that woman is just going to throw it away". they left screaming and squeeling their tires.
My husband said they came before I got home because they wanted to upset me, and they wanted to be able to say things went differently and how mean I was. I really kept my cool with them. they are the ones who blew up calling me names and everything. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I don't know what to do.
Things were getting tense again and after their threats of them saying they can pick the kids up at the sitter when ever they want frightens me. So yesterday I told the daycare that I was at about these threats. He works at a nursing home that the kids go to to play with the residents! My son see's him there. I am scared to death now. He has poor judgement and mentallity. they assured me that they would always have a teacher present with him.

[Jennifer]

yes, day care should NEVER release your kids to them and if they do without your permission then you will have grounds to sue them

They started this mess, not you and you did all that you could to be nice to them and they couldn't handle it. Good job for standing up to them. Did you talk to your kids after they left since they heard all of that?

What is your next step with them? I wouldn't blame you for excusing your family from their life and that includes your husband. There is no exuse for how they treated you, none.