Adjusting to Kindergarten

[overwhelmed mom]

My 5 year old son started full-day kindergarten this week. The first two days, he seemed fine; I was the one crying at home by myself after he went to school. Yesterday, however, he came home and told me he'd had a few crying spells at school that day, one so bad at lunchtime that the guidance counselor took him out of the cafeteria into her office to eat lunch. This morning he was inconsolable, crying even when he got onto the bus. I don't know if the reality of the long day is just setting in, or if maybe he's bored in school (he can read, write, and knows number past 100 already). We have a 4 day weekend coming up for the Labor Day holiday, and I'm concerned that when he goes back to school Tuesday, the crying will be even worse. I don't want the kids making fun of him, he was starting to make friends. Any ideas on what I can do to help the situation? I did send a note in his backpack this morning alerting his teachers that he was having a rough morning.

[Jennifer]

Has he been exposed to any schooling at all or is this his first exposure to a classroom setting? If it is his first exposure then yes it will take some getting used too and he will. Your school sounds as if they are on top of it and its great that they are being so helpful to you.

I would not let him see you upset, seperation anxiety is more about the adult than the child except when children don't get enough touching when they are young. Asking him about his day, doing things for him special after school if he had a good day, etc, no punishing for having a bad day that is not what i meant, but encouraging him that school is great!

Putting notes in his lunch box for him is great or a little treat throughout the day such as a sticker or something along those lines.

Do you have any suggestions on why the switch?

[overwhelmed mom]

That's what is so strange, he's been in preschool for 2 years, half days, three days a week, and we only had a problem like this the first year, and not this bad. I do pack notes in his lunch everyday and I asked him if he wanted me to stop, if it was making him sad but he said no, he likes them. He is an only child, and I'm a stay at home mom (I work from home) so he's used to being with me a lot. I've been trying to give him little tips, like "if you feel bad, think of this..." but he says if he does that it will make him think of me and he'll cry...maybe I should just offer a reward for each day he makes it through, like a book or something he likes? He seems to be catching on to the fact that sick kids don't have to go to school, too, because this morning he was saying his stomach hurt and "if you're sick, you don't have to go to school, right?" I told him no, but you had to be really sick and go to the doctor to get an excuse note if you stayed home, so that quieted him down about being sick. I'm just trying to help him take it one day at a time (that's the only way I can handle anxiety, myself!) and try not to let him see me cry (although at the end of the day when he tells me he cried at school, I can't help but shed a few tears).

[Jennifer]

hopefully you are going into the other room to shed your tears. is it just the two of you? does he go on play dates? i wouldn't make a big deal about him liking school so much just talk about his day and get him to realize that he does have a good time there, just him talking about his day will help him do that.

books are a great idea but you don't want to fall into the trap of getting him a reward each day because then he will just be good for the reward. you can get him a book at the end of the week and a special trip to the book store or go to the library and remind him that he goes to the library at school as well.

it will get better

[overwhelmed mom]

It's just the 2 of us in the daytime, my husband works but spends a lot of time with our son when he's home. Our son goes on play dates and never has a problem, in fact he usually doesn't want to come home when I go to pick him up. I was just thinking the other day (second day of school) how happy I was that he seemed to like it so much, what a big boy he was becoming and that I wouldn't be needed as much by him anymore, then all of this happened. I know it could turn around again just as quickly, it's just hard to deal with when it's happening!

[Jennifer]

iknow boys are very sensitive to their moms needs and maybe he is picking up on something that you are feeling, try to stay positive and encouraging to him, it will get better for him, then get better for you too

[Jennifer]

hope this week goes better for you and him. Have you and your husband talked anymore about adding to your family?

[overwhelmed mom]

Hi, my son had a bit of a rough time this morning, but I kept encouraging him to smile whenever he felt sad, and it kept the crying from erupting into sobbing...he was crying when he got on the bus, though. I tried to see if he wanted to take something to put in his pocket to make him feel better, but he said "no, it will make me miss you." Ditto to things I told him to think about if/when he feels sad during the day....

My husband and I did talk more about having another child, and I think we've decided not to. A few things changed my mind: his comment about not being able to handle a child with special needs (if that occurred because of our age), about not being able to retire at 60 as we'd hoped (because we'd be paying for a second child's college education), and a friend of his at work who is just 50 had a heart attack recently, which made me think twice as well. I want to be able to give our son all of my attention and everything he deserves, so I think it's the right choice....part of me will always wonder what it would have been like to have a girl, or even another boy, but I think we're making the right decision.

[Jennifer]

glad to see you and your husband talk so easily and rationally about thing. Retire at 60, I need to get into your 401k plan That is wonderful that you two will be able to do that and provide for your family so much.

Kindergarden is such an adjustment period and both of you and your son are doing well. Keep up the smiles before and after school and he will forget about you soon enough. Did you ask at school if he is okay during the day when you are not around?

[overwhelmed mom]

Hi Jennifer - Well, it's December and my son is still not adjusted to kindergarten. He seemed to be doing a bit better until about the middle of October, when he was out sick for a few days with an ear infection - then going back was rough, and now most mornings he's crying, not wanting to go. I've spoken with his teacher and she said after he gets into his work, he's usually ok, although some days he starts crying about lunchtime again. This morning my husband and I went in to speak with the guidance counselor about the situation, and she told us we're doing everything we should, but that most kids have adjusted by now. She suggested after the Christmas break (which my son told her he's worrying about already, about how hard it's going to be to come back to school after, although he hasn't said anything to us about it) maybe getting some professional counseling to help him deal with his anxiety. I think it might be a good idea, especially since anxiety runs in the family (both his dad and I have it to a degree) and because he's also anxious about schoolwork - he's so far ahead of the other kids but he still worries about getting something wrong or having a bad paper....All of the reassurances I try to give him, about that not being so bad, that everyone has a bad paper once in a while, etc. don't seem to help. To make matters worse, the aide in his class tends to yell at the kids to get them to settle down, which upsets him too. At least the teacher and counselor know what's going on and are trying to help, and he is making some friends....I just don't want him getting the reputation of being a crybaby. Now I'm starting to dread him going back after Christmas, too, but I won't let him know that, of course!

[Jennifer]

yes sounds more like anxiety than seperation anxiety and having him see someone is always a good idea. im sure it must be very hard to see him so upset.