mom and dad mad

[niccoleranae]

okay i'm 20, my mom handles my meds for me because she thinks i'll overdose or abuse them. I'm on trliptol 2 x's a day and xanax up to 4 times a day. the meds really are not working that good for me, only a little.. well my mom and dad are mad because they think the pills are just gettin me high! i don't always take other drugs with them, i smoke pot, synthetic marijauana and i get drunk once a week, could this be why they are not working right? i know they say your not supposed to take anything else with them or they might not work right, but, i see a diffrence.. i don't act on my impulses so quick for example before if i would think about sucicide i would just do what i intened and cut myself, now i have't cut myself in a month and haven't tried to kill myself. i still think about though which just leaves me feeling depressed all day long. my use with the synthetic marijuana has gotten worse also... no one knows much about it but i don't care what anyone says synthetic marijauna is addictive more addictive than just marijuana.. if i don't have it my body gets sick, and if i have to much i feel like i'm overdosing.. my parents don't think they have anything to with the medication, they think i don't even need medication.. i have BPD and the psych told me i had to be on medicine if i want to get better! and it would look really bad on me if i didn't follow the treatment plan because i got kids. I like my mom handling my meds so i don't over take them, but now she doesn't even like giving it to me because she don't think its working, but any med i get on my mom don't think i should be taking... what should i do? what do i asked my counsleor to do in that situation? should i ask her to talk to my mom? what if my mom dosen't want to talk to her what do i do?

[Jennifer]

taking any other type of drug will interfere with your mood. you are taking the meds for bipolor not bpd, there is no drug for that and you are very young to be diagnosed with that anyways. you should feel the need to ask in here what you should ask your counselor. if you don't feel as if you have a great relationship with your therapist then no amount of therapy is going to work. talk to your therapist and work it out with them because that is the only way it will work. you need to be honest with yourself first with everything but with the people that are involved in your treatment so you don't get over medicated and get on the right stuff

[niccoleranae]

yeah i am young.. whats so diffrent just because my age.. i still feel like notthing inside, like i'm emotionaly and physically tired.. i have really no normal reltionship in my life theres not really anyone in my life that understands me. plus i just been through alot of shit. and i don't have no one to talk to about any of this with except for my therapist, which i do have a good reltionship with.. but that still is not enough right now because i'm freakin out because now on top of everything, i have't to deal with this.. i mean it is what it is.. but personally knowing now that i am borderline effects me alot diffrently, and you get treated alot diffrent by doctors and counsleors when you have this.. its not fun and i don't wish this on anybody!
there also treating me for ptsd,deppression,anxiety,paranoia.. but your right the trilptols for bipolar.. and i don't know i just don't feel like switchin a counsleor everytime i get mad, thats one thing i do alot, which is probally why they don't like treating me because i'll like my counsleor at first then they say or do something to make me mad i just don't even want to see them anymore.. then i just feel bad about it. i'm medicated now so maybe it will work better.. but for some reason some days counseling is to intense for me.. it makes me feel sick, once i sit and think about everything that was said i start thinking a little better.. other times it can make me more deppressed.. then there are times when it doesen't bother me at all!! i'm really trying as hard as i can to stay in treatment.. and get on the right medication.. i just wanted to get some advice from someone other than me and my therapist.. because i'm just really upset right now about it, not just that i'm labled this because i actually am what it is.. it sucks!

[Jennifer]

i said that you were young to be diagnosed with bpd and yes therapy is intense and you have to be honest with your therapist and learn to let them know when you get mad and talk it out with them and work through it, that part of it is called coping skills and it will help with everything else. it seems that they have diagnosed you with everything there is to be diagnosed with and i sure hope that you stick it out and get the help that you need.

[niccoleranae]

i'm trying to be honset with my therapist. theres just some areas where i'm really sensitive and don't want to talk about them, i'm not being dishonest..

you know how you just said they have diagnosed me with everything there is to be diagnosed with.. that hurts.. imagine how you would feel one day when you have't to get all of your medical records faxed , and you want to be the one to pick them up because just out of curosity you want to know what your even faxing out before you fax it.. you get it out and read everything, and then you see the diagnoses, a list. so the next time you see your psychatrist you ask her again what she has diagnosed you with and reads off the very same thing.... it was like a slap in the face.

where does that leave me? will they ever take any of the lables off of me if i get any better?

[Jennifer]

i think you are over diagnosed and they just can't come up with something so they keep on giving you more labels, you can make what you want out of it. like i said just let your therapist realize that some subjects are really hard for you and that your not ready to go there just yet, its great that you are honest with your therapist because that is the only way it works.

[niccoleranae]

i have no way to be dishonest to her about my personal problems.. the major ones anyways.. the counselor i seen before her talked to her or something because she already knows whats been goin on with me, and what has happened to me and i didn't tell her these things she has asked me.. she knows that i'm really sensitive with alot of things so she trys to keep things calm.. they want me to talk about these things and express my feelings about them, i understand this.. but sometimes i'm scared to tell them how i really feel... because the feelings that i feel scares me sometimes and the way i handle it is really bad. another thing is i had a really bad traumatic experience and situation i just got out of, when they try to talk with me about this and other past experiences i don't want to answer them because the way that i feel when i do talk about them, i start clinching my jaw, shaking like it the middle of winter my muscles get all tensed up and i get all emotional, wheather it be crying or getting mad.. but, alot of times i don't even have't to say how i feel they just know, which sucks, because if i do feel a strong emotion even if i try to hold it back, its like a no win situation they will just keep beatin around the bush until i answer them with the correct response as my reaction. it's just really hard to deal with for me, if it wasn't for my daughters i wouldn't even be in treatment.. so i have't to try for them.. i mean i'm sorry.. but its not like i can just talk to my friends,boyfriend, or family about this because like who wants to talk about this with someone your close with, wonder how good that conversation would go, telling them your borderline? it just would be something i don't want everyone i'm around to know...

[Jennifer]

instead of trying to talk about it, why don't you and your therapist come up with some good effective coping skills so you can learn to talk about it and deal with the past. things that are tramatic are really hard to talk about, heck everyday thing are hard to talk about, go at your own pace and keep trying.

[niccoleranae]

to be honest,, i couldn't tell you one coping skill i have learned yet, because i quit just before they start trying to point everything out to me... idk i guess i am just difficult. ... this..this right here is why i got into so much trouble growing up.. i'm an idiot.. if i can't learn to cope i will just want to die.. and if it does not work this time thats what is gonna happen

i have one more question

i read alot online about bpd, everything else that they diagnosed me with is already mixed in the bpd? like everyone of my diagnoses goes right in with bpd.... so are they treating bpd or the symptoms? like i don't get it... i meet the critera for all these other things but if you pull up something on bpd, all these other things are what borderline is?? or do they have't to use all of these to correctly treat me because i did also read somewhere alot of insurance companies won't cover bpd.. but it covers the symtoms?

[Jennifer]

there really is not a cure for bpd and it is an axis 2 disorder so no insurance companies won't pay for it because honestly they believe when someone gets to that point there is no hope, but like i said i do not believe that. sounds as if you need to work on the coping skills before you can work on anything else because you need those to get by and even remotely have a chance at making this work.

[niccoleranae]

if they feel that strongly about it why did they even create the disorder? for real.. this is like telling a child that everything that has happened to her in her life is her fault and theres notthing that can help her, then what is the child supposed to do? if treatment does not work for me, then what am i supposed to do walk around and think everything is my fault because i'm borderline? . thats hurtful . maybe thats part of the reason people with bpd are so difficult. because everyone around them does not have any hope or support.

it's like looking in the mirror at yourself the only thing you see is a reflection of yourself, the reflection is telling you that your beautiful and there is notthing wrong. .so u hate yourself because your brain is telling u something completley diffrent. its looking in the mirror telling the reflection how fucked up in the head u are, how fucked up your life really is and how u can change anything with your apperence to make you feel better but its not gonna help the way u feel about your life.. and as you sit there wondering,you start thinking about it to hard, feeling like your already dead, and the only thing left is your body .. u get a piece of glass and just start cutting on yourself. trying to find a place where no one will see it so u don't have't to deal with what they think. then after its over, you hate yourself because right now you just thought about the consequences of cutting .. then u feel like your worthless.. so u make yourself sick or just don't even eat, because your personal apperance is the only thing about yourself that matters anymore.. theres notthing else to admire. then your family finds out about your cutting, they down grade u in every possible way just so u will feel bad about it.. and u do.. so bad that u just wish u would have killed yourself.. u sit there the rest of the day thinking about all of this on top of everything else that u can't even function right. deppressed until its pay day and the weekend and look foward to getting fucked up and you can drink all your thoughts up but everytime you drink you know that with the medication its only gonna be worse, so u just keep drinking and taking more trying to get the thoughts out of your head but u just won't quit until you can't stand up anymore. thats how i feel alot of the time... not everyday, when i look in the mirror most of the time i do.. anyways my point is thats what i feel and everything that i do wrong now is based on the bpd part of me, not the niccole part of me.like this, when i talk to my counsleor about self harm and suicide she don't take me seriously? why? because i'm borderline.. and what do borderlines do they are liars and will do anything for attention. how do they know what i'm capable of. they don't! they just assume since i'm borderline my intent is to get their attention. by self harm. so if i cut where u can't see it. it still feels the same for me.. they just don't know about it... wheres the attention in that.

axis ll... yeah well maybe they should take more seriously, are all axis ll disorders not covered by insurance or is it just bpd

[Jennifer]

all axis 2 are not covered by insurance.

[niccoleranae]

whatever, this really helped me out any..
should of never even ask,

by the way its nice to know there is no hope for me
i'll ask my counselor what she thinks, screw you..

thnx for being so supportive, all u did was make me feel worse

[Jennifer]

that is what you do with your counselors as well and i knew you would eventually do it with me as well. i was being honest with you and i keep on saying that you get to choose how you live. you need to start by not pushing people away that want to help you and try to help yourself. i wish you the best.

[niccoleranae]

your right about me choosing how to live my life, but the choices i make are bad and i regret making the choice after i made it..

i did not choose to be borderline

i didn't choose alot of things in my life, but i guess i can choose how to react to them but alot of my actions are based on my feelings alot of times. idk y.

i still got alot of things i have to work on.