what do i do with all my anger??

[Courtneylegan]

As a 15 yr old teenager i have been and i have so much anger issues i dont know wut to do with it. Im so angry because as a newborn baby my dad had tried to kill me many of times and i had shacking baby syndrome and i was slamed against the wall as a 13 month old baby. He has abused my mom not only physicaly and emotionaly. So in return i dont like anyone i mean anyone to mess with my mom cause i will go crazy. And now my step dad and my mom are getting a divorce and tuesday, November 25, 2008 At 9:30 pm or so my step dad was yelling at my mom and talking about her in a way that i did not approve of at all and i went crazy i was yelling and so pissed off that i had blacked out and went crazy and busted 3 holes in the wall adn what brought me out of the black out was my step dad stepping to me like he was gonna gangsta me swinging and everything so i told him straight up that i wusent afraid of him and if he wanted to hit me to do it because i will get him right back..during this time that i had blacked out my mama left me and my lil sis and niece at the house alone with him and i had went outside and called her to come and get me because of what he had just did and when she got me i was so stressed out that i threw up 3 times on the side of the rode and since that day i have been able to keep no food at all down because im so stressed out and i dont even wunt to be in this house anymore because i cant take this anymore...I have cut myself i would say about 20times already to reileve some of the anger and i cant seem to be able to get ahold of anyone to talk to so i can get all of the stuff that ive been threw in my life off my chest and my mama wont conpromize with me so i can go and talk to people that are willing to help me all she is worried about is herself honestly and now not only am i pishing everybody away now im pushing my momz away and the only person that i will refuse to push away is my 9 yr old little sister that has to sit on the side lines and watch all of this go down she is the 1 and only reason why i am still here bcuz i wunna stay strong for here bcuz nobody else matters to me right now... I have turned to gang violence and self mutalation instead of just stayin tough and now i think im getting tough all the wrong way and i know if i dont find a resolution i will die from gang violence very soon then what my life is just all done because of all the anger that i have bottled up on the inside... as u see i need alot alot of help before im pushed over board and ither end up in jail soon or be dead soon those are the only options that i have on the rode that i am chossing to go down because its the only way that i can seem to relive all my stress because my mama wont help me out with my anger all she does is tell me to turn to god and gods already let me down and i dont wunt help form him no more and everytime that i put my heart into something i get hurt and im tired of it.....
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~Courtney~

[Jennifer]

Hey Courtney
Glad to hear that you want to find an alternative to cutting and gang violence. Sounds like you were born into violence. Are you violent with other people or is it just the rage? I need you to guarantee that you will not harm yourself while getting help in this forum. I am glad that you care as much as you do about your family and it seems like your mom just doesn't know what to do or how to help you.

Tell me about the gang? Is it something that you can get out of? Are you doing things that you do not want to be doing because of being in the gang?