procrastination and self sabotage, need help badly

[johnb]

hello.

i'm 20 years old. My life is in shambles. I need help!

Basically i've been slacking off on my studies for a long time.. like 4 years.. in fact i have an exam coming up in 7 hrs and i could only just push myself to open the book.. It's pathetic.. It's not that i'm not interested or that i don't care.. i do.. but i manage to screw myself up when it matters. I don't get tense.. rather, i become passive. I have flunked quite a few subjects from my previous semesters - same reason.. in fact i wrote one today and luckily i studied a bit more and did decently.. but that is when it hits me - if anything is going well a part of me tries to push me back.

I'm a smart guy and people around me recognise that. i was a straight A student in school and was amongst the toppers. But since then my marks have been going down linearly.

Because of this, every other aspect of my life is suffering from a setback. All my relations. I feel hopeless - i feel like i have no will power. it's painful. i can't even face my friends. my parents didn't know about my failures till recently. i lied. also, companies come to our college to recruit students.. i'm elligible for none. and i wonder if i can pursue higher studies with the kind of record i have.

Being a computer engineer was always my dream. I love programming. But i can't take any type of pressure.. I have been trying for a while - listening to self help tapes and visiting sites like lifehack, etc. and i get all inspired and declare that i've changed just to revert.

I'm addicted to the internet. I have crossed my bandwidth limit every month over the past year. I tried studying in the library and it works but lots of stuff like slides, video lectures, etc. are on my comp.

there was a subject i was quite interested in and had studied before. but the day before the exam i couldn't do anything. not even revise. i think i'll fail that too.

i'm too optimistic and expect to achieve things in a short time and then i realise i don't have time and give up.

i'm reckless and irresponsible. Procrastination is very bad. I don't study during the last minute before the exams. I'll be studying during the exams and enter in late trying to salvage whatever i can in that time. It's really embarassing but i know that at that time i had no other choice. I fail to keep my promises and that makes me feel sick.

I've been trying to break through - but i haven't been able to. I tried keeping a journal - but same pattern everyday! I want to get feedback from anyone who's gone through such phases of irrationality before. I want to post here frequently so that i will be accountable to people here and hopefully that'll let me get leverage over myself

I've also dabbled in drugs, etc.

Sometimes i resort to sleep and food to change.

everytime i make a decision and say this is the last time but it keeps repeating. I feel like i'm consciously sabotaging myself because i see what's going on. It's not stagnation.. it's devolution.. i've become everything i used to hate and still hate. i've accepted mediocrity and can't say anything i think is right before realising that my actions are contradicting it. Sometimes i just break down and cry..

[Jennifer]

Hey
Are you procrastinating or depressed? There is a difference, what made you into a slacker? You said you used to be able to do this and now you are not. I have known lots of people that have lost their way in college (me included) and still went on to higher education. Is it the subject matter. I know for me that I can only do well if I enjoy a certain topic. Libraries are good for some, but horrible for others. If you need noise and distraction schedule it into your studying.

Take a break every 15 minutes or so for awhile. Get yourself whatever you need to get back to the game. There is no miricle cure for procrastanation except to 'snap out of it'. When you are ready, you will and you will find something that interests you long enough to hold your attention span. Oh that is another thing, do you have ADHD? that's all for now, start studying

[johnb]

i'm not depressed.. maybe i was for a while..

i don't know what made me a slacker.. i'm generally curious and interested in lots of things.. and the list of the things of interest only grow with time.. and it's easy to mix up priorities

what would i need to get back to the game?

dunno about adhd.
the symptoms according to wikipedia are all there except that "i don't listen to people when they talk to me" applies only when it's my mom. but i had seen some videos of adhd people on youtube. i'm not that bad. but i've always had a problem with deadlines. and i'm always late. i was recently going through some stuff and came across my nursery report card in which i was marked "needs improvement" against "is organised and completes work in time". And "needs improvement" is worse than "satisfactory"! I can't remember the last time i studied everything that was coming for a test. this wasn't always so and last minute study used to work for me in school.

also as a kid i remember that when i read i used to get really focussed but now it's more like skimming. it could be that my reading speed has increased. Also, time seems to pass by much more quickly - 45 minutes of idleness would be torture when i was a kid.. i had a kind of mental counter to count seconds but it seems to slow now.. when i look at my watch the seconds seem to pass by quickly. that's the subjective change in perception and know that i don't sound like i'm making much sense. the drugs i dabbled in includes ritalin. my fingers have a slight tremor which i didn't have as a kid.
I have also been taking in fish oil, turmeric, green tea and b vitamins regularly for the past few months.

today's exam was pathetic. i didn't do anything till there was some 15 minutes left for the exam. but luckily i had read through some of it before and the questions were easy so i'll just pass i guess.

maybe i have ocd.. i pick my skin if there's a slightest bump.. one of my arms is scarred. but i can control that habit. Have you known anyone who consciously and compulsively becomes passive when they should be active? I find it very wierd and debilitating. I try to keep changing my environment so that i hopefully change with the different cues my brain gets.



So, what are the tips... procrastination: "just snap out of it"..
does it hold true for every other behaviour too?
i find myself doing it unconsciously as well.
i'm trying the break every once in a while thing.
Also i have some raisins which i eat every once in a while if everything's going well.. maybe it'll subconsciously reinforce the stuff that's going well.. i know it's crazy
How about internet addiction? i read somewhere that having 2 computers one of which is to be used only for work works for some people. i don't have 2 computers. i wonder if it'll hold good for software.. so i'm downloading opera which i'll use for the unnecessary browsing.

but i'm skeptical about any of this working. i've been trying for 4 to 5 years. howcome i haven't improved and am only getting worse with time. how do i stop rationalizations and telling myself this is the last time, etc. etc.?

[johnb]

i have a day off tomorrow and then 2 consecutive exams. i'll keep you posted if i'm able to get anything done

If i haven't really done much and am studying just for the grades i don't feel motivated at all. i just give up
but if i'm motivated and things are going my way i find a way to screw things up.

[Jennifer]

Hello:
I hope the studying is going well today. Did you try taking breaks and coming back to it. Sometimes when you try too hard, you do not want to do anything and you are surely beating yourself up for just being who you are and you need to stop that. You will succeed in what you are suppossed to succeed in. We all have different thresh holds of success. What is your definition of success? Check these out the assessment section http://www.completecounselingsolutions.com/assessments.php/ We have assessments on OCD, ADHD and are you addicted to the internet. Take them and find out. I have know people to struggle and then they get the right diagnosis for themselves and things are so much easier. I helped a girl your age, who finally got diagnosed with adhd. She got on meds, and now is a better student, able to concentrate and lost weight.

I cannot tell you to just stay focused because that will not work. You have got to stop beating yourself up so much and work with what you know and what you have right now. Have a great study day.