freedom hunting.

[MatterNot]

Thankyou for the time and effort you must put into these forems. I have read a few posts and I am impressed by the help you have given people here.

I am not sure where to start with my own issues. there are many and they are varied. I guess i really should go and see a counciller, but I really cannot afford it, so here I am. I thank you in advance for anything you say that helps in any way.

I am not happy with my life thus far. I seem to be unable to suvive in the world. I seem to have lost faith in mankind as a species. dam, i am talking rubbish now, these things are not the issues that brought me here today.

I am a very lazy person. I am a mother of two. (four yrs and 13 moinths) yet aside from very basic house work each day i do nothing else. my mother does my washing - even though i have a wasjing machine. I go over to my mothers daily, and i sit on a chair at her house while she deals with my kids. Although my mother does all this for me, she frustrates me. I feel disgusted by her, for no apparent reason. I have felt this way about her since i was about ten, although I have no idea why.

I am obese, smoke like a train and add nothing to society. I have absolutly no spare money ever, live on a benifit. My childrens father is not around, I sent him away, although truth be told he was already gone when i sent him.

I think a lot - i bore the few friends I have with information they do not ask for on pshychology, religion, ancient mystrys of the world, and conspiracy theries.

I grew up in a christian family, and as a young adult i left the religion. Years past by and I never gave religion a thought at all. But over the past year or so I have thought a lot about it and tried to come up with a belief system for myself, they only thing my mind will accept is that we have a soul that lives on aftrer death. I guess that brings me to the real reason I am here today:

In stating this I do not want to throw up any red flags, please understand that, I am in NO way suicidal, i will not be offing myself tonight or this week or even this year. However, lately I have been thinking that death and being dead is far more logical than being alive. If my soiul lives on after death and i will die one day anyway, then why carry on this life that i have already screwed up, why not just start again, or accept what comes after death. wouldnt the adventure after death be far more exciting than this life now?
Again, there is no way i could do this, my train of thought went along the lines of - what about the kids, there is no way you could leave them, and you cant take them.
THis thought annoys me, If my brain can logically detirmine that death is not best for my kids, then how can it accepot that its logical for me?

anyway this post is getting too long, but a few more notes, just cause it make me feel better to talk abut it.
I have been depressed many times though out my life, and i am sure i should have seen somone about it, but i never did. I do not feel depressed now, but thoughts like the above do make me wonder.

recently i have been having a problem with the rules of society and nature. I just want to be free. I want to fly to the moon and in space and it annoys me very much that the rules of gavity stop me from doiung that. i keep searching for ways in which i can be truly free from constrant. but i know i cant. yet i want to be. sorry i cvant explain this anymore, my mind is screwed up about it, i dont even understand why i cant accept facts as facts.

there is mcuh more to say, but well I dont suppose typing any more right now is going to help at all. Anyway wheather you help or not, i still thankyou for this form. it has helped just to type it out.
cheers!

[Jennifer]

hey
you talk as if you have no choice in your own life. why is it that you go to your mom's everyday and let her take care of things? you sound insightful and able to understand thoughts and enjoy conversing with others not sure that is a bad thing, maybe the people you are trying to converse with are not interested.

i like the idea of starting over, just not in another life, in this one. You have the ability to do whatever you set your mind too and make anything out of your life that you want too.

you say you are lazy, did someone label that to you or is that your own way of thinking? instead of being lazy, what else can you be?

[MatterNot]

Hi jenifer, thanks for the speedy reply.

I do understand that i have many choices in my life, I understand i could do anything now that i want to do. I understand that that if i chose to be a docter, lawyer, or anything thing else i could make it happen.

I dont really know what i want to do. I cant picture myself in ten years, or even in five years. when i think what would i like to be doing this time next year, my mind seems to go blank. I also have "sticking with it" issues. I tend to get interested in something, and become obsessed about it. for about two weeks I will live, breathe and eat my new hobby. but after two weeks i get bored, throw it away and start on somthing new. I tend to go back to those hobbies eventually, but never for bursts longer than two weeks.

I do not remember anyone ever labelling me as lazy. its just obvious when i look at my life that i am. I put everything off till anothertime, as i just cant be boithered. My house is always a huge mess, and i dont seems to get up and do things unless I absolutly have to.

Why do I go to mums everyday and let her take care of things? - hmm I guess because I can. I used to live further away from her, and I took care of all my own things. although i was still lazy, i only did what i had too. but I still did it all for myself. However I felt I wasnt coping, so i moved closer to my mum, for support with the kids. Now I feel that I am coping even less.

What else can I be rather than Lazy? I could be the person that gets up in the morning, gives her kids breakfast, tidies her house to a good standered, and takes her kids on educational trips such as to the library, or the park, or just for a picnic in the back yard. rather than lazy I could be motervated and coping. However I usually just cant be bothered. I could be working to provide for my family, rather than eating of tax payers money.

I just find it hard to take over the leadership of this family. I was always brought up to believe the man was the leader, and for the most part of the last five years I was following the dreams of the kids father. I dont seem to have dreams of my own anymore. my dreams as a young adult were always to have a strong solid family, to raise kids as my husband worked etc. I never thought beyond this.

I feel the need to finish this by asking you a question about your life, showing a willingness not to just moan. But I know thats against the rules. and Even if i did ask I would get no more than a brush off as a reply. Its hard to have a moan fest, and not offer the other person the same.

cheers

[Jennifer]

you said that you have suffered from depression in the past, do you suffer from adhd as well? I use my own life experiences to help people all the time, but you are right i am not the one asking or seeking advise at the time. i do learn from others and apply it to my own life

[MatterNot]

I never considered ADHD till I read your post. I went to the psych central website and took there online test for it. Their result said it was unlikly that I have it. I do not know much about the condition, but from what I have heard people with ADHD tend to have troble focusing their thoughts. I think I have the oppisite problem. When i come across a very interesting thought, I tend to obsess about it and forget the rest of the world until I have either solved the problem, or grown bored with seeking a solution (as stated above usually after about two weeks).

My depressive eposodes have ranged from severe (as a teen) with thoughts of suiside, to mild or moderate (as an adult) usually triggered by an event of sorts. I bonded well with my first child, although had baby bluyes after his birth. my secoind child I havent bonded as well with, although I dont feel that I had any baby blues with her.

I dont know what else to say. I tend to go throw periods of time when life seems good. I can shut out the negitive focus on the positive and I feel I could do anything. But then I have periods when life is just a drag, I cannot be bothered doing anything, I just want to be shut away from the world and excape. these periods flactuate from week to week often from day to day. maybe its like this for everyone and I am just being melodramtic?

Some days I know I can do this, I can coipe with life and be anything I want to, other days I know that I will not solve anything without help. I guess in the end I just dinno.

[MatterNot]

Can I change my personality type?

I recently completed a Myer Briggs personality quiz, and found that I am INTP. Upon reading the disciption of this "type" of personalty I found it did seem to fit me. Although a lot of the discriptions of my personalty type are things that I consider "Issues in my life I am not happy with".

Are these personality types in my Gene's, are they changeable? are tehy nature or nuture. what is the psychological take on these type of tests?

Am i truly stuck this way forever because it is just the way I am?

Any insight would be useful

Thanks in advance.

[Jennifer]

We all go through different times in our lives whereas we feel down and when we feel up. Some people are affected more by this mood swings than others. If you suffer from clinical depression you have a chemical imbalance and that needs to be regulated with either medication or a strong personality to be able to recognize these mood shifts and actively initiate your seratonin levels.

as far as personality types, not sure what to say about that. you can change if you want too, but the core person that you are will not change. change is the hardest thing someone has to do.

whats up not bonding with your children?

[MatterNot]

I did not mean to imply that I havent bonded with my children at all, I have bonded with both of them to a certian level. I just meant that with my son it was a very Quick and natural process, and right from the word go I felt like his mother. I used to have panic atacks when leaving him with others, and I never wanted him out of my sight.
Where as with my daughter its been a longer process, I didnt connect with her on the same level as my son as a baby. now however I feel the bond with her is the same as i have with my son and I cant let them both out of my sight without it being a big drama.

I am interested in your comment about the core of your self not changing. What part of your self is the core? do you mean wheather you are a introvert or an extrovert? I mean we can change beliefs, and we can change behaviors. Is the core of me mearly an abstract sentance referring to the myself as an "I" or is the core of me a set of behaviours and principals that cannot change?

I did not know one could activly intiate seratonin levels, is this done by simply sucking it up and pretending to be happy till your body is tricked into being happy? fake it till you make it kindda thinking?

thanks for your replys.

[MatterNot]

I live inside my head.
I think, I learn, I dream, I am . . .Inside my head
Is there a way to get out?

[Jennifer]

well need to do more than suck it up to convince your body to get in gear. as far as the core goes, the best example is an addict. they have to go through a change in order to become a different person to stay clean and sober, but there is always a chance that they can revert back to their old behaviors so they actively have to work to stay in their new behaviors. takes work and that is why the rate of relapse is so high

glad to hear that you have bonded with your kids