co-dependency

qtzdue · Joined: 03 Oct 2008 Posts: 3 Location: Indiana

I remember about 8yrs. ago when the media was all hopped up with the importance of self esteem. I was in so much denile that I just started to realize that I have a major problem with co-dependancy. You see I have pushed all of my happiness, sorrow and anger into the lap of Kathy my wife. We are getting ready separate to see if that is what we both need to continue to achieve our personal improvments. I want so badly to say no but I know she needs this and I probably do as well. I just do not know if any of my feelings are justified or is it part of my depedance. I am sad about going. I am worried about what is happening. I am scarred of the process. I love Kathy. She Is the kind of person I want to be with. She has incredible sthrength and she is caring, kind, honest, dependable, responsible and she is not selfish. We have two beautiful Daughters Alxis and Morgan. I know it would be a worth my time to fight for any one of us or all of us. I am just trying to connect with the strength and paitence it will take it is just frustating. Does any body have any incite about this?

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

hello:
can you explain what you mean by codependecy towards your wife?

qtzdue · Joined: 03 Oct 2008 Posts: 3 Location: Indiana

I will try. I don't make decissions unless I think I know it is what she would do. I had low self esteem and woried about what she is thinking all of the time. Any time she is sad angery or distant I try to fix what is wrong and never allow her to feel her emotions. I do not really know that this is co-depedancy and now that I am writing it out it seens to be more about the domestic violence issues I have had. I know I was always afraid that she would not stay with me. I would lie to her about little things if I thought it would calm the situation. I know why I did these things. It had nothing to do with Kathy it was all about me. I did not believe I was worth what she was giving me and I never felt that I could give Kathy back what she was giving me. This is where I am at now. I do the things I need to do to get better but it has not clicked in me yet. I have not been able to apply what I have been learning. I AM STUCK. I know it is just an obsticle in the way and I can get around it over it or go straight through it. I just have to figgure it out. I hope this makes since and helps you understand. I am a better person now I actually like my self and I have alot more confidence and self asurance. I just need to know how to apply it when it comes to Kathy I still am fighting off the same old feelings. It is me though I have to figure out what is blocking it.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

Well, I guess the main the question is can you be a good person and still be with her? If so, then you need to work on yourself, but you do not need to blame her for your self-esteem problems because no matter who you are with, you will do the same thing.

qtzdue · Joined: 03 Oct 2008 Posts: 3 Location: Indiana

I know it is not her fault and I know I have to rid my self of all the giult I hold from our situation. I was a good person around her at one time. I know I can be again. I have been thinking all night about this and I know all i can do is be my self around her and see where that takes us. I will do anything she ask me to.I can do this because I know see would never ask me to do anything that would harm me for her bennefit. I really just want her to succeed in what she is doing. I am getting better everyday. I know that some things come to you when your ready for them. So, I now need to be paitent with my self and let it come naturally. I can Live my life without her. The thing is after 10yrs. in our relationship I see now what kind of love she has given me. I went through years of telling my self all kinds of negeative things about Kathy and my self. I know what I feel now and it is not the same I just need to have a dirrection into breaking a cycle that was around well before I ever knew Kathy. I have been struggleing wiht it and it is not coming out the way I want it too.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

Things rarely come out the way we want them too, especially emotions. It is not up to Kathy to decide your emotions for you, it is up to you to do that. Whether you are with her or not, you need to face this to move on.

good for you for dealing with this and recognizing where it is coming from.