Should I stay or should I go?

[swashbuc]

Hi! I am glad that this site is where I can turn to for an opinion.

I am an Asian male and I am in my 30s. I have a professional degree and I am working for my dad. In Asia, it is natural for the son to takeover the business from the father. My community and friends of my dad expect that to happen as well.

The only problem is that I do not like what I am doing because of the following reasons:

1. As a firm, we work very hard but we are not appreciated by our clients. Clients expect the best but are not willing to pay. They want to pay the least.
2. I am stagnating where continuous learning is concerned.
3. I find it tiring to repeat transferring my knowledge to the staff. Staff turnover is high because the work is technical and it does not pay much.
4. The industry is a sunset industry.

My dad finds this very upsetting as he has his ego to take care of. My mum uses emotional blackmail to make me feel guilty. She also uses her health as part of the reason that I should stay. Earlier, my dad tried to ask my younger sister to work me with as a team but she has oher plans. As such, my dad now solely depends on me to takeover from him.

Should I stay or should I just be cruel and go? Where I stay, the town is a small one. To go would mean that I need to start afresh in a major city or country.

Thank you for your advice.

[Jennifer]

Hello:
Sounds like you are in a difficult position and only you can make the choice to stay or go. What else would you enjoy doing? Have you tried any hobbies to make your time more rewarding or volunteer work? How would you feel about leaving your home town and disappointing your parents? Does your sister believe you should leave as well?

Is it the job that is making you unhappy or your life that you are leading?

[swashbuc]

Jennifer, thank you for the prompt reply. I really appreciate it.

The things that I enjoy doing seem to be quite the opposite of what I am doing now. My dad "groomed" me to take over his business. By that I mean that he planned everything for me from young. He would keep saying how his profession is the most flexible. I enjoy photography, painting, music appreciation but these can hardly make a living over in an Asian country.

I am currently trying to search for opportunities to build an internet business or at least earn income from trading options or shares. The goal is to create enough passive income so that I can pursue my passion. I am currently learning photography to make my time more rewarding. As for volunteer work, I have tried that but I find that I usually fail to be committed after a while, ie. not volunteering later on.

I have mixed feelings about leaving my home town in that there are advantages and disadvantages. Advantages include better exposure and hence, growth as a person, learning to be more independent and an opportunity to have more positive company. Disadvantages include leaving my parents when they need me the most and having to start anew. The guilty feeling keeps coming up. As for my sister, she is behind me all the way.

As for my unhappiness, I feel controlled and I want freedom, away from my home town so that I can be independent and grow. However, my parents have problems letting go and my weakness is that I always people to affirm my actions and hence, the guilty feeling.

My unhappiness also stems from my job in that we have extremely demanding clients who expect the best and want to pay the least. We get blamed for not completing the work in time when the work was given to us last minute. The staff in the office are not too committed (generation Y issue?) and are not up to expectation. Hence, the quality of the work is poor to average. A lot of time is used to correct their errors and to train them. This can be very frustrating at times...

Thank you for your opinion.

[Jennifer]

Your welcome:
Sounds like you are already working on your plan with making passive income. I know that your father has pushed the business on you, but are you sure that you would be happier doing something else? Is there something that you can do to make your work environment more enjoyable?

[swashbuc]

I am not 100% sure that I will be happy doing something else, at least, not financially. I know that I cannot change the clients' attitudes. There will always be those who are demanding, those who are always last minute and those who are always bad paymasters. I also know that I cannot change the fact that in my home town it is difficult to get quality staff. I have problems accepting all of these and hence, I find it not worthwhile to carry on in this industry. I am not sure if the problem is all with me.

In the past, I have tried to be happy and not be affected by all of the things that I mentioned above. Those times did not last long. Needless to say, it is quite difficult for someone to work under me. What can I do to make my job and my work environment more enjoyable?

[Jennifer]

Sounds like you have to start taking responsibility for yourself and your actions. You can only do the blame game so far with your parents. They are not holding back your happiness, you are. You need to remember that you go to work everyday and you need to make the best of it. Happiness comes from within, not anyother place. Those that are internally happy find ways to be happy in their lives. You need to accept your situation for what it is and find some good in it.

It is always greener on the other side, but if you are not happy, the other side will get brown very quickly.

[swashbuc]

I do agree with you that happiness is from within. However, I feel that the working environment is also part of the cause of my unhappiness.

Working with my dad would in certain ways, "spoil" me, in that should I not perform up to expectations, I would not be reprimanded. I always get some leeway. In other words, I do not get to learn what other "normal" people would learn while on the job. The other downside is that because I am my dad's son, whenever a client tries to be unreasonable, I could overreact and tell them off.

I really want to accept but I have been trying to do that for the past 9 years without being successful. In our earlier conversations (with my dad), he noticed that ever since I got back, my enthusiasm and drive showed a downtrend (I worked in a city for 3 years). Somehow, I just cannot see the good in this current working environment.

[Jennifer]

Well,
You just said it best yourself. You are letting yourself be unhappy. Your father is not at fault here. You need to find a way to make your own way in this world whether it is at this job or another job. Using your dad as an excuse can only go so far. If you want your life to change, you need to find some inner strength and make yourself known in your community as a person of wisdom and independence.

[swashbuc]

I am not sure I understand. I agree that my father is not at fault here but if I continue to stay, I do not think that I will find a way to make my own way in this world. Like I mentioned earlier, I will not have any opportunity to grow if I continue to stay.

Let me use an analogy. It is impossible to plant in the desert. Hence, in order to plant something and let it grow successfully, it needs fertile soil, good irrigation and good weather. Using this analogy, I feel that there is a need to move to a place that has all the necessary ingredients for growth.

What do you think?

[Jennifer]

Where would that be? You already stated that you are not sure if you can succeed at anything else and you can recongize your ways at your business. It would be nice to know that you can succeed even if your father is there. That would seem like more of an accomplishment than leaving and starting over.

[swashbuc]

Prior to working for my dad, I worked in a neighbouring country for 3 years. I left as I felt as though I were a working machine. Lots of overtime with little time to rest. Of course, if I do decide to leave, I would want to go to this country but I will not join my ex-employer.

I agree that it would be nice if I could succeed in my home town even if my dad's around. However, because my dad is well connected in my home town, people may give in to whatever request not because of my efforts but because I am my father's son. Hence, there is always a perception that should I do the same elsewhere, I may not succeed. I want to know that I can succeed based on my own efforts and not because of other reasons.

[Jennifer]

okay
so you are back to should I stay or should I go? sounds like you tried to go and you were unhappy and you are unhappy where you are. you are going to have to decide which you want more. to stay and become your own person or leave and become completely independent

[swashbuc]

Is it alright for one to be selfish in this case? What I mean is putting priority on my own needs (growth, prospects, etc.) as a person instead of the needs of the family, ie. to continue to run the family business.

[Jennifer]

That is not selfish, it is selfful. If you cannot take care of yourself, you cannot take care of anyone else. There is a line between your happiness and your family's business. I am sure the business will survive without you, but will you survive without the business?

[swashbuc]

I do not see that as a problem. I believe that I can get another job quite easily.

Thank you, Jennifer, for your time. I now know what I must do.