Questioning my ability to function...is it ADD?

[happyrunner]

Ok, so I'm not sure that I have put this in the right place and this is going to be quite a rant, but here it goes.

I am going to rewind just a second here and review high school. I was diagnosed with ADD as a child and I'm not sure I ever took the diagnosis seriously. Either way, I would have preferred to be given hands-on help with organization in the things I was lacking but instead I was tried on four different kinds of pills. One gave me the heart flutters, another one made me lose my appetite and I became severely depressed and anorexic-looking. On the third, I was calmer and more organized, but I still couldn't focus in class at all, plus I gained a ton of weight. I even tried seeking out help, but I had a couple of teachers who didn't see that I was struggling in that regard. They clearly thought I was lazy, depressed, mean and cranky, etc... and I had a number of teachers who actually turned me away. While I know that I am beautiful and wise and intelligent, I also know that growing up I was not one of those cutesy preppy types whom everybody loved and adored. I was different and weird, rebellious and difficult and "artsy fartsy" and I was certainly not part of the "popular crowd". On the inside I was secretly falling apart, constantly (metaphorically) holding my breath and turning blue in the face, while struggling to get everything to be OK and to feel like I was functioning like everyone else. I have always known that I was smarter and had a greater range of talents (renaissance girl) than most people, but I could not use or develop a great deal of my intelligence because I was so severely distracted ALL the time.


Well, I am 23 years old now and I still feel that way. In the past week alone, I managed to lock ALL THREE of my sets of car keys in my car TWICE. The first time, I lucked out and had only thought all three sets were there. I found the third set hiding under my bed. The second time, my boyfriend and I sat in the driveway for an hour with hangar wires, a slim jim, and bungee cord, creatively concocting ways to break the weather seal on my passenger door so that we could reach the unlock button. I actually had to call a mechanic to come get me out of my little pickle.

This week, I also had a test to take for my teaching certification. I wrote it down in my date book, put it in my iTouch, left myself a note on the bathroom mirror and thought about it all week...well, until last night, that is. I went out for a meeting, met my boyfriend afterward, went to the diner, came home and fell asleep relieved that I didn't have anything to wake up for in the morning. I forgot to check my date book before falling asleep, didn't use the downstairs bathroom, and didn't turn on my iTouch to listen to music like I normally do before bed. I woke up at nine thirty this morning to realize that I had missed my test...and this sort of thing doesn't happen ALL the time, but it happens to me much more frequently than it does to others.

I also have trouble managing my money. I felt like I'd done a really good job saving this year, I had opened an account at one point, had almost $3,000.00 in there, and then had to give it all away because my car broke down multiple times this winter. Well, I finally got my account to barely over the thousand mark, paid off a couple of summer classes and watched it drop back into the zero mark. Now, this summer, all of a sudden, I am spending way more than I am making (somehow, I'm not sure how...even when I look at my statements, which I hate doing because it's an overwhelming and very boring process) and now I have almost maxed out my credit card, which is a problem because I am being billed monthly on it for a continuing ed. certification program.

My room is a mess. I try to create systems, but none of them seem to work. It's like, I'll spend a whole day ironing my clothes folding them, putting them away, going out and buying laundry bins, making a promise to myself that things are going to stay this way. The next thing I know, I turn around, all my clothes are scattered again, the dirty stuff is mixed with the clean stuff all over my floor. I can't figure out how it all got there and to make matters worse, I usually don't discover it until the morning of a job interview or something when I realize I can't find the interview outfit I just had dry cleaned the week prior and I can't even figure out what I might have possibly done with it because I could have thrown it in the garbage for all I know if I wasn't properly attending to what I was doing in the moment.

Also, I'm supposed to be feeding my best friend's cat while she's on vacation. Well, I didn't get around to that until 10:30 last night because, again, I completely forgot. And I'm praying that her plants are still alive and the grass is still green because I forgot to water everything at her house, too.

So...does anyone have any advice? HELP?

[Jennifer]

I get your experience with medication as a child but you clearly are add and in order to get some order you need to address that part of you first and go from there. there are tons of people that are add that excell at life and can keep it together but you need to find what works for you and go from there.

[happyrunner]

well no duh...that's why I came to this website. I was looking for people to talk ti out with...maybe talk to some people who have good ideas for coping strategies, or to find out how other people keep themselves organized. But if you're going to give me responses like that then it seems I've come to the wrong website. People don't usually sign onto these things just to complain about their problems, you know. They're actually looking for advice and help with solving them. The childhood explanation was more just a vent of my pent-up frustration on the fact that I didn't get help from the adults who were supposed to help me and now I'm taking a shot in the dark at how to go about this whole thing. Can you help me get a little bit out of the dark here?

[Jennifer]

not sure what the duh was for. you have a diagnosis that throughout your life has not been properly dealt with and you need to addres that part. all the things you explained are symptoms of that just as if you got the flu a symptom would be a running nose. you can treat the running nose but unless you treat the flu you won't get better. sounds as if all of your reminder systems don't work for you and they are the symptom not the problem.

as far as why people come onto the site is mostly for free therapy and hopefully for getting better but that is a personal choice and its up to you what you do with my words or if you seek medical help for your diagnosis

[happyrunner]

The reason I said, "no duh" is because to me it kind of felt like this in my head. I just wrote a whole mini essay explaining to you that I came on here because I have this problem that I haven't been addressing successfully and I wanted help addressing it better, but I didn't know how to get that help b/c I have felt like so many things haven't worked in the past, including my systems, my medication the adults who were supposed to help me. So I am looking for some one to tell me what I need to do to get that help and how to go about it. All I heard in return from you was, "well, address it then." And so to me it felt like, "well, no duh. That's why I'm on here in the first place." Can you be a little more specific please?

[happyrunner]

And if what you're suggesting is that I DO need medication, then basically, what you're saying is that medications will change my ability to function, when in reality, what I'm saying to you is I was on them and they only made me worse...what are other strategies I can find to treat the ADD??? That's what I came on here for. I'm not looking for a magic solution to just treat my symptoms and make it all go away. I don't really get what you're trying to tell me at all, but whatever it is, you're really being, vague, aloof, and unhelpful. I find it infuriating.

[happyrunner]

And if what you're trying to say is, "you need to see a doctor to help you address this further," well then say that. Just be direct. I'm not a mind reader. The "medical help" part was the only thing that clued me into that, but again, that doesn't tell me that I need to see a doctor. THat basically just makes me feel unempowered...like there's something wrong with me and I can't find the solution to my problems myself. I'm a strong willed person. I don't need to throw a pill at this. What are my other options?

[happyrunner]

I still don't know if I'm being specific enough for you so I'll try to sum this up again...I have ADD clearly, which I didn't really understand until recently when I began observing myself and seeing how it was effecting my functioning. I've tried addressing it in the best ways that I can. Medication HAS NOT worked for me EVER. I've been on four different kinds for long term. I am completely in the dark about how to treat my ADHD. Where do I go for help and how do I learn to cope with it? Does that hlep you better understand what I'm asking for here? Or are you going to give me more vague, unempowering "you're stupid and let me remind you of it" type answers?

[Jennifer]

yes the right medication would be very helpful for you but I get why your against it based on your past history with medication. the best you can do is put as much structure in your life as possible and have a simple routine to follow. you mentioned all of your ways to not forget test but to me you have too many systems in place. you need one really good reminder system in place and stick to it.