Procrastination (long long post...you were warned)

[TGA]

I’ve always been a little… verbose. So lets see if I can keep this brief (ha I made myself giggle). I have a few little foibles, I think they are all related to the same thing.

Symptoms:

Compulsive Nervous Habit – I scratch. I scratch my skin till I bleed. The more upset I am the more I scratch. Yes I have allergies but No I’m not itchy. People don’t bite their nails because they are hungry. I do not scratch because I am itchy. I just … scratch. I am covered in scars. Arms legs face chest back head everywhere. Right now my face, chest head and leg are bleeding from all the scratching. I’ve done this since I was a little kid and I’m not totally sure why, but I find I often concentrate on any flaw my fingers find, like a bug-bite. I can live with this

Distance from personal relationships – I’ve always taken a cynical view of people. In a conversation I’m often a wonderful listener because I don’t believe the other person cares one whit about my opinion, otherwise they’d ask. This has two side effects. First is makes my largely popular in any group because I prefer to listen to what other people want to tell me about them selves and I actively encourage the discussion that way (it’s much more interesting to really listen than waiting for them to breathe so I can jump in with my own two cents). Secondly my curiosity has been piqued by some very interesting people, some of whom exceed my expectations of them and read me right back, nine times out of ten we become and stay very close friends.
Because of this I have a few friends, but we are very close, like family. However since a very stressful event I’ve had a hard time communicating with anyone. I went from weekly 9-hour phone conversations to building myself up for hours to force a 5 minute phone call. I find myself dreading being around the people I like the most. Fighting a powerful desire to just be alone and resting.

PROCRASTINATION– This is the big problem right now. I’ve always had a small procrastination problem. Usually I would find myself concentrating on the second-most important task rather than the most pressing task. Of course I would be easily distracted by an active imagination, but I found a little background noise like music or people milling around would help distract the imaginative part of my mind so I could concentrate. I could live with it. Things would still get done.
However since the ‘stressful event’ its been a struggle to push myself to accomplish anything. This includes activities I do for fun. I’ll begin things then can’t bring myself to finish them, even if it’s a 15 minute tv show I’ve always loved, my attention will just wander off. Well I’ve gotten a little better… I’ve been trying to work through it, and its going, but very slowly.
I don’t have any more time!
I’m working on a thesis. I’ve been for months and months! I started at my desk at school/work, set up like a proper student with books and etc. I broke my schedule into manageable bits, got out the blank paper and wrote a few outlines etc. Then I had to start. It took me the better part of a week to write two sentences. I thought I might be getting distracted by outside influences (internet, music, whatever), so I eliminated them. I thought I might be taking the wrong amounts of work, or setting up my writing-space wrong. Basically I used every study and concentration trick I could find in my own agenda, every suggestion on the internet, and the entire self-help sections in several bookstores. Five months later I had finished maybe … 8 pages (optimistically). This is really bad. As you can tell I don’t have any trouble writing and I can crank out ten pages in a couple of hours if I’m on a roll. This project is so big that I’m resisting myself more than ever!
In desperation I forced a solution (where I am right now). I brought my work home and locked myself in my room. I eat at regular intervals. I have something to drink with me constantly. I sit at my station with absolutely NO other activities available. I don’t allow myself to rest until I start seeing hallucinations (just the little shadows, they usually start about 3 days in). Then I limit myself to short naps on the floor to keep myself from sleeping too long. The only breaks allowed are 5 minutes for a quick walk-around or a trip to the bathroom. Or twice a week an hour for a vigorous work-out.
I know this sounds unhealthy, even inhuman, but it’s desperate times. It’s usually not until I’ve been up 48-72 hours that I am finally able to stop staring blankly at the screen and I’m so exhausted I don’t have the energy for whatever I’m blocking myself with… only then do I really start writing. In the last 2 months living like this I’ve gotten another 80-90 pages, usually they come in bursts. But the close I get to the end the harder it’s getting.
I’m on the last leg of the last chapter and I need it 4 days ago!!! I’ve been up for a little over 3 days right now and sick with the flu….and I’m running out of … me.
I highly doubt there is anything I can do to help myself in time to help with this, but I have to start my doctorate after this!!! If I don’t have this fixed by then I wont survive another stint like this.


The Why
Since it’s all small habits that have gotten worse with a stressful event I have at least a vague idea of the why. I’m usually pretty honest with myself. So lets see if I can cover the bases.
I was never teased or bullied, I usually championed the bullied and negotiated a peace between the bullied and the bullies. Overall I was pretty well liked by the popular’s and the non’s.
I was a clutterbug, always have been. I like space that is busy and active. I can’t stand to sleep in a neat bed, I usually mess it up before I try to sleep in it. I get tense and nervous in bright, neat places. This always worried me as indicating a certain mindset found in various personality disorders.
I was a perfectionist of a sort. I usually enjoy learning, actively. I taught myself to read at 4, by 7 I had read our set of encyclopedias cover to cover for fun. But I was always racing my shadow. Unless I got 100% or more on -everything- it was not good enough. This attitude was actively discouraged by my parents, peers, and teachers. They all saw it as self-destructive and tried to persuade me to accept mistakes. Even today I have a very difficult time accepting A minuses in a class. Getting a B is enough to send me into a slump for a week. I cannot think of one person on earth other than myself who cares if I get a B. This is the start I think.

The stressful event I often speak of was a few bad events in rapid succession. My father and I were very close. My mother and I were very close. My father and my mother were not very close. This is because my father was nucking futs six ways to Sunday. To sum up, there was no physical abuse, but between him and her there was mental abuse. Finally they divorced. So a few psychotic episodes, some police & gun-action, and a loooong mental ward stay later dad was on the road to recovery. I was very proud of him for staving off suicide long enough to catch cancer. He wanted to die of natural causes for my sake. At the same time mom and I were homeless a while and I got lymes disease that remained undiagnosed for over a year leaving me with some adverse physical problems for a little while. (Obviously my schoolwork suffered, I have no -idea- how I passed those classes). I did see a councilor at the time, she said I was fine aside from stress. Mom and I are still very close. Dad is on a cardboard box buried in my closet someplace (mostly to gross out my cousins). Physically I’ve recovered mostly, it’s the mental mess I think I’m sorting through.

My opinion – I think I fear failure. I enjoy a challenging puzzle as always, but now I find myself not wanting to try if I feel someone or something depends on my finding the right answer. This fear gets bigger as I get closer to finishing the project until I can't go on. What worries me much more is that my father was much the same way. He was charismatic and easily succeeded at a career, but he had a fear of success. If he was promoted he would self-sabotage his job and have to find a new one. Add in my cluttering and my cynicism, I worry about turning into him (antisocial personality, psyshophrenia, pstd, depressed, etc, ect). But at the same time I get so afraid to fail I get afraid to try. I find myself getting weary of people. I think I may be afraid to let them see me showing so much weakness. Back to the fear of Imperfection….If perfection can’t be achieved then maybe it’s better to seem like “I could have done it I just didn’t want to try”.
It’s possible. It’s the way my thought process seems to go when I trace it back. I get so tired worrying about perfection I start missing out all the fun of just learning and I stop retaining what I learn. I lose all the enjoyment! Then all the reasons to try.

Get over it – gee why didn’t I think of that? 9_9. There’s no outside person to reconcile with. I’m the only one pushing myself this hard. If I choose to drop out of college right now my family would still brag proudly about me (I’ve gone further than most of them already). I can’t think of anyone I’m fighting but myself. I keep looking for new things to try, but mostly I just hear the same things I've already tried over and over. Maybe an outsider can see better.

Ultimately
Now what?

I dunno. I’m starting to see those little shadow-things crawling around out of the corner of my eyes. I’ve wasted hours writing this in hopes I can work something out so I can spend a few -minutes- working on the paper I NEED to so I can rest….

I’m so tired

[Jennifer]

You might be losing it but it seems you have your sense of humor in tact so that is a good thing.

Lets break it up as you do. The scratching seems to me part of OCD which is what you are describing, the need to be perfect so you don't finish anything. You did finish high school so that is an accomplish. Not many people are good at large tasks. I would recommend breaking it up into smaller tasks because the idea of one hugh paper is just too much for you. As well as sitting at your desk is not working for you and not getting you any closer to your unblockage. You need to try something different. Had someone who for a couple of days couldn't work on something because their internet was down. Gave them a different perspective and figured out what was blocking them.

Relationships-You distanced yourself and it seems when you are ready you will reengage. Doesn't matter how many friends you have as long as you socialize, we are social creatures and need to be around others in order to survive.

Parents-this is the stressfull event, but you somewhat joke about it. Probably the only way to deal with it i assume but it is okay to show real emotions which you might have to learn how to do since you seem to listen to others and copy their emotions, yes antisocial people do that and have no real feelings. you come across as someone who cares about themselves and those around them so I don't think that is your thing.

As far as your scratching goes again, mentioning this again because it is a concern, no that is not normal and you might want to see someone about that because that goes along with the ocd and you need to get that under control and the not sleeping, both self destructive habits that you have formed as stress relief but there are other ways to relieve stress that are healthier than you are going to find a way to do it.

[TGA]

Well…. Actually… I never finished High School. All through Sophomore year I was getting frustrated because most of the material was repeat from previous years. I was not even halfway through my Junior year when I got a look at the Senior curriculum. It was -all- repeat! I was outraged. I dropped out on the spot and took an entrance exam for a Jr College.
I got excellent grades so I was able to trade up to a 4-year Uni without ever getting a degree, a ged, or even taking an SAT. I did get my 4-year degree, but considering my ultimate goal has always been a Doctorate my graduate degree was just some bit of paper they sent me in the mail. I never even bothered to attend graduation.

Truthfully I tried the smaller tasks as my usual method for tackling a large paper “Day one. Write an introduction and conclusion for the first experiment.” That sort of thing. I know I need to try new things. That’s why I searched all those websites and books and advisors for different things to try. To be honest I’ve written larger papers in the past (paper? book? whatever). It’s not the size, it’s the importance. Its not “a paper” it’s my thesis.

I tried working with egg-timers, I tried working with no distraction (yes including internet), some distraction, all distraction, with other people, without other people, on paper, on computer, through dictation, with active workout, on funny diets, in different work-environments outdoors and in… I cant even remember half the stuff I’ve tried. I resorted to hermit’tude because I couldn’t find anything else to try!
That’s why I think the only way to break this procrastination block is to find some way to get around the core of the problem rather than trying to circumvent the behavior. It’s like trying to cure an infection by only treating the symptoms, without dealing with the bacteria. Even if you get lucky enough to find something that suppresses the symptoms they’ll only return again later with a vengeance.

The relationships… yeah I was bad for a while but I’ve been working on it. And right now there is a very nice boy who seems very keen on helping me on this matter. He goes so far out of his way not to annoy me I’m starting to find him rather charming. So I think that’s on it’s way up.
I admit I do have trouble showing my emotions to others in a way they understand. I’m not a huggy-feely kind of girl. I didn’t cry over my dad’s body like the others did, I dealt with my grief in my own way. (Actually I took pictures of his body and sent them to certain debtors and charities in response certain unwelcome solicitations. A long, boring, annoying story with a very satisfying end.)


Ok the scratching and the sleep dep… These are not the best coping mechanisms I admit. I know better not to drive when I’m hallucinating (… now) and I haven’t contracted anything horrible through my scratching yet. So I have a little permission of time with those.
I am trying to work on this, I've talked to councilors, therapists, and doctors about this in the past. And I plan to in the future (before I run out of skin). The school councilor and I don’t exactly see eye to eye, and I’m a little on the broke side of life. Therefore, until I can get rich enough to go on the grand quest for someone I can actually communicate with on that level, I’m a little on my own for now.
Usually the scholastic thing is the only thing I really stress about! In other areas of life I’m largely a calm person who can take even aggressive harassment with a grain of salt. It comes to something dealing with my education or chosen career in science and I’m tearing off my skin because I’m not omniscient.

Mostly I’m just looking for something I can do now to help any of it. I'm at a loss at what to try next.

[Jennifer]

so, what do you believe is the core problem? you do have a way of writing a lot and not saying much, which is not good for thesis. whats the topic anyways? you do realize that you are talking to a therapist right? not to scare you off or anything.

[TGA]

No kidding. Maybe verbose was too mild a word, diarrhea of the mouth maybe? I blame it on reading too much British scifi as a kid.

But yes I realize that. Kind of the point of coming here isn't it? I dabbled in a psychology class or two but that doesn't mean I know what I'm talking about enough to diagnose anything. Now while the therapist at my school and I may not be personally compatible that doesn't mean I'm against all therapists overall. Just sometimes the patient/doctor personalities happen to clash.

If you say the scratching sounds like OCD I'm willing to consider that as a good possibility.

you ask what I believe is the core problem.
The core of the stress and the procrastination I believe is the perfection thingit.
the core of the scratching might be related to the same thing, since I notice I will usually scratch more in an area I feel an irregularity of the skin. A bump, a bite, a spot I missed while shaving, etc. But I couldn't say for sure. I do know I do it much more under stress .... But the ultimate why of that one I'm not totally sure

[Jennifer]

than the whole core might be ocd, you can take our assessment on ocd or look it up online to see how/where you stand.

yes i agree, 90% of therapy is the joining process, if you don't feel comfortable with your therapist, there is no point, is there only one therapist at your school?

[TGA]

Its not a big school, but if nothing else I can go in and ask if there is a free counseling center in the area I haven't heard of (we may not get on, but we agree we disagree).
Thank you for the suggestion.
I'll start looking some things up and drag out the old textbooks and I'll try that OCD test and re-post.

Also sorry about the long time to reply. I blinked.... A very long "blink" for a couple hours. Arg I feel like a jerk for slipping off before I finished.

By the way you asked about my subject and I forgot to answer. Its about insects other than termites that damage paper goods and methods to control them in the businesses, museums, and libraries etc through baiting, without resorting to sprays (that might damage important materials, or make visiting children sick). Baits are less expensive treatments than larger things like CO2 (libraries are usually broke) so if baits work it will save them thousands of dollars, but it will only work if they do it right (depending on what they've got).
Woo! BugScience!

[Jennifer]

Hey
As far as free or reduced counseling goes, your best best is to find a psychology program and see what they offer. Almost all students have to see clients and from my own experience i don't think we charged anybody more than they could afford. I'm sure all schools are different but they way mine worked is that we worked with a team, you had one therapist but a supervisor and other therapists helped on your case. So, you really had a team of six for super cheep.

Anyways you didn't appear to be ocd based on your responses.

Do you like insects? Is it hard for you to write something when you don't enjoy the subject?

[TGA]

Seemed like kind of a limited test. I mean really, it asks me how much time out of my day it takes up. It's not like I'm running the the bathroom to wash my hands, it's scratching. I don't have to stop what I'm doing to scratch my face. But as I said, I ain't the expert here.

I don't think we have a psychology program in the school, but even if we don't another nearby college might.

Its harder to write about something I don't like of course, same as anyone. But this isn't it, I do love creepy crawlies. I've been into entomology since I was a little kid. I choose this profession because I wanted to have a career doing something I love (obviously not something that is going to make me rich). That's also why I don't consider my schooling complete until I get a doctorate. I don't want to work for a university or for the agriculture department and it can be a competitive field for independents. I need a doctorate and board certification at the very least.
This paper is on a subject I know very well and get easily excited about.

[Jennifer]

agreed that the test is limited but those are the dsm criteria. yes scratching is a habit that you have and its a habit you can break as well, but you need to get focused on the paper and im a big believer in not over therapizing.

great that you found a passion that you love, can you think of the thesis as a story. I think the thesis part is messing with your head.

[TGA]

I don't dare think of the thesis as a story. I like to make up stories. Generally what happens is I start the story, get about 2/3rd to 3/4ths of the way through it, then stop. I may have the entire plot mapped out in my head start to finish, I may even have an outline right next to me. Three hours later and I will not have typed one word. I don't know why it is but I've started over 100 assorted stories and books (yes I counted), and I haven't finished one on paper since I was 12.

Same song different verse. Since the first time I've posted in this forum (aside from the 'blink' and a few potty breaks) I've done nothing but stare blankly at the outline of the last chapter of my thesis wringing my hands. I usually have a better track record finishing academic papers than stories, but it's the 'thesis' thing. This is something important, with a personal stock in it.

[Jennifer]

Every idea that I'm suggesting to you, you are not open to hearing, so how about you suggest some ideas on how you are going to get unblocked and get moving on this thing?