Now what?

[Yvar]

Hi There,

I am unsure as to which forum to post this in, so I hope here is ok?
I am a 40 year old male and been having problems with life for as long as I remember. I started therapy when I was 15 and stopped having therapy 4 years ago. During that period I have been diagnosed with a truckload of disorders like depression, anxiety, borderline and obsession.
All in all, I must say those therapies have helped me a lot, I am less depressed, I don’t paralyze in the face of fear anymore, I come out more, I feel more confident, etc. etc. But in the end, I must also face the fact that I am not “cured”.

The past 3 years I lived in a sort of semi-isolation. I took the time to think about my life, where I am, who I am and what I want. I didn’t do it obsessively, but I tried to look at myself as life presented itself to me. I consider myself lucky I could take this “sabbatical”. But now I am stuck.
The conclusion I reached is that I am disappointed with life. I don’t consider it interesting or fulfilling. It doesn’t give me pleasure or happiness. But, this is only true in the practical sense. In my mind I think life is magical and wonderful. It seems I am an extreme observer? The ultimate introvert?

It is a bit like seeing a wonderful gadget (or dress or whatever) in the shop, you really want it, you love it, so you start saving for it and looking forward to it. And then after you buy it, you find out it is nothing like what you expected.

I know, perhaps I should lower my standards? Believe me, I tried, but I can’t help thinking what I think. I see what I see. It is like trying to convince yourself of something you don’t believe in.

I tried to live, really. I mean one has little choice. I went to school; did great, have my diploma, never used it. I had 3 best friends, they all got married, had kids, I never see them again. I had 3 relationships (the third one I am currently in) they all end because I can’t handle the fact that they all want me to participate in their lives (never seem to be able to come to a mutual compromise). I blame myself for these failures, but even so I can’t deny the fact that I seem to fall for the extravert kind of person. I had jobs, was great at them, and couldn’t handle the responsibility simply because I got bored after a while. During all this I never felt good about any of it.

I found that when I am unnoticed and don’t participate in life, I feel happy and involved. But as soon as something practical comes along (anything from paying rent, to having a conversation) I feel awful, unhappy. I get scared, angry, and depressed (in that order).

I don’t live in a fantasy world with elves and magic and stuff, I do see the world for how it really is (I think). But in my mind I can enjoy doing things I can’t in real life. For example, I would love to run barefoot over a meadow, fall down and look up towards the clouds. In reality that hurts like hell on my feet, I get covered in spiders and ants (yikes!), and I end up with a cold. So I try to compromise and get out in the meadow with a blanket, only to find out the ground is hard and it is killing my back. So I end up sitting in a chair, which is fine, but deprived of all the sensations I feel inside me but don’t get satisfied. (You know, when I look at other people and the world in general I sometimes wonder if this might be true for most people. Having expectations which do not get satisfied, so it frustrates them into obsessions, violence, religion, etc.??)

I don’t live, I think about living. And I don’t know how to change that. No, that is not right, I don’t think I need to change that, like I said I am perfectly happy thinking about life, but life doesn’t seem to agree with me, and society and people around me don’t like me to be like that. Which I understand. In the end, I am the one who “doesn’t fit in” so I am the one who should change. Problem is; I am tired of trying. Even tired of talking about it. So I feel stuck.

Anyway, sorry for the lengthy post, I didn’t want it to be this long.
Oh one more thing: I like having people around. I need that even. But I don’t like interacting with them.

[Jennifer]

i get what you are saying about fanatsy and reality and i agree with you. your imagination can make up some pretty cool stuff and reality is what it is. why did you stop therapy? what do you want from your life?

[Yvar]

I stopped therapy for two reasons. One, I wanted to take a break. Being in therapy for 22 years is a long time and it felt I was going in circles. The second reason was that the doctors and therapists viewed my progress as being well enough. I came a long way in those 22 years, and I guess from a medical point of view I could be considered a "success"? They didn't say I was cured, but they felt I could at least manage my problems now.

What I want from life. Well, that is exactly the question I can't answer. I am not ambitious. My first notion would be to say: "to be left alone", but that would be too easy. There are a handful of things I like to do (programming, drawing, etc.) but they rotate. Once I have done one of these things for a few months, I need to switch.
I do not need to work as I have a little money each month. It is enough to pay for the basics, but nothing unexpected should happen...which makes me afraid of the future sometimes.
Anyway, I think this is the main problem I am having. I really don't know what I want out of life.

[Jennifer]

of course you need to do something whether it is for money or not. everyone needs a reason to get out of bed. you appear to have way to much time on your hands for your thoughts to wander

what keeps you busy

[Yvar]

Oh, I don't know. A typical day for me is doing the dishes, cleaning the kitchen. The laundry.
Then I take care of the two dogs, the cat and the chickens.
Following that I usually do whatever it is that I do, at the moment I am writing a book about programming. Currently I am also creating a website for someone.
Also twice a week some dusting, vacuuming and mopping, and two other days I go into town, either to the market or the shops, for the groceries.
So I wouldn't say I am idle it's just all a bit blend, pointless, boring and dissatisfying.

[Jennifer]

sounds it to me as well, you have reasons to believe it is idle and pointless, what can you do to change it?