Molestation

[Amethyst]

Since being groped in a movie theatre on my 13th birthday by my own father, that defining moment in the dark has caused me to pause a few times in my life. I cannot say emphatically that any real penetration, digital or otherwise, occurred, but there were countless nights of groping and inappropriate touching of private parts. For me, this was a gross violation of not only my body, but my spirit as well. A child being placed into adult situations before her time, not ideal by any stretch of the imagination. My life has consisted of mile stone decisions made loosely based on this part of my life i.e., I had my tubes tied at the age of 24, I was once a very beautiful young girl and placed pound upon pound on a small frame to minimize the attention of older men, a violent marriage which ended in an equally violent manner, etc. etc. etc. I delved into higher education as a means of understanding what the hell my parental figure was thinking by placing man hands inappropriately upon my childhood, indelible marks that are not capable of being washed away, no matter how hard I scrub. I received my Masters Degree in clinical psych with little to no better understanding. I now have a successful and full marriage, have not shed any of the pounds, but live overall very well. Recently, my father passed away unexpectedly and the tears that came to my eyes were not out of any sense of real loss, but from a place of anger, primal gutteral anger, as if I could rouse him from the grave and kill him myself. I have always been cordial to my father, for my own sanity, and have never uttered a word, it is bad enough that I know and he knows, no need for others to know and to rub it in my face. My problem is how do I not scream from the roof tops that he was NEVER a good man and how do I respond to the various and sundry "Oh we're so sorry to hear, he was such a good man, you must miss him so" when all I can muster is "It's ok, really, it was just my dad. Not like my mom's dead." Or how do I reconcile the fact that I could give a damn that he's gone and I am so very angry that he got the last word??? I feel violated all over again. Not something I'm particularly proud of, yet through all of my failings and successes, I have never once said "But I was molested..." rather I have taken the position "it happened, I went through it, now I am passed it, what now?" I, obviously, cannot change anything in my experiences, they have molded the strong independent woman I have become, so why do I feel like I am a victim - now - after his death? Any one?

[Jennifer]

sounds like it is time let you and the world know that you are not a victim. you need to greive him in your own way to be able to let go of the anger. and you do have anger

[Amethyst]

I have identified those things that I am not willing to do; that is that I am not willing to "out" a dead man any more than I was willing to "out" him when he was alive. There is my mother to consider, and even before myself, I will preserve her emotional well being. I have lived according to my philosophy that I went through it, its over, the past doesn't get permission to dictate my present or future, yet I am aware that the past has influenced my perceptions. I am aware of the anger, I just cannot figure out a coping mechanism to get through the anger in order to make it a part of my history, rather than my present. I have given up social drinking altogether, as I do not want an addiction or over indulgence to become my coping mechanism. Right now, a sort of addiction is keeping me above water - working excessive hours and when I'm not working I'm hand crafting something, sleeping with lights on, etc. The anger is definitely there, that's a no brainer, what I seek is a way to get through it since I obviously cannot go over it or around it. Thanks for your response.

[Jennifer]

You do not need to out him to grieve him and get over him. You need to find peace, write a letter, write as many letters as you need to, but you need to get it out of you and find peace within. Keeping busy will not subside the anger.

[Amethyst]

I've already done the letter writing campaign, and burned the letters on a ceremony of fire and release, while it was cathartic, it does not dissipate the current anger, and I do appreciate your attempt to suggest something, anything. I feel that the anger is so primal and now innate in my being, havign allowed it to fester since early July, that something so simple as a letter does not work well in releasing the anger. Keeping busy has served to make the anger stay in the background rather than my focusing on it, I know that it is coming to a head and want to put into place a very REAL coping mechanism so that I come out of this long dark period of my life intact. A letter writing ritual is not going to do the trick. It managed to get me through adolesence and early adulthood in coping while I was going through it, but now, it seems like putting a small bandaide on a gaping wound. I'm over the facts that remain, being molested, I mean, I am not over the fact that he got the last word and there is not a damned thing I can do about that, except live well, and I'm seeking to find a way to live well, devoid of anger because I cannot change that which is. Again, my sincere thanks for your willingness to help.

[Jennifer]

I agree that the anger is real and to be honest, it is the same feeling as the molestation because you cannot control it. Do NOT let yourself become the victim. I know you keep on saying that you have dealt with the past, but this anger will change you and make you a dependent victim type of a person.

Am I being dramactic, maybe, but anger can change the core of a person and turn them into a bitter awful person. How about meditating, yoga, spiritual healing type stuff?

[Amethyst]

Respectfully, I disagree, the anger is not the same as the feelings I have surrounding the molestation. All of these emotions, also, are well within my control, otherwise I would be using unhealthy coping mechanisms such as alcohol or drug abuse, self mutilation, or some such other destructive behaviors. I am not a person to find an excuse for emotions, because I believe that in this life I will have either results or reasons, I have no need for reasons or answers to "why" as those, to me, are exercises in sheer futility. I want results. I have anger that has been controlled all of my life. This is new anger; anger that has arisen just since my father's passing in July. This anger is all about unresolved issues such as admissions that will never be spoken, apologies that will never come, forgiveness that was never sought. These are all things that are outside of my control, yet the emotion that springs forth as a result of those things is WELL within my control. As Robert Collier stated "All power is from within and therefore under our control." I cannot help but say that I respectfully disagree with your statements. I am seeking a more proactive coping mechanism with how to deal with the emotion of anger. Clearly, this will not be done in this forum. I do thank you, though for your responses.

[Jennifer]

You stated the same thing that I did and of course you can disagree with me, this is your life and you need to be the one that takes the action which you are doing a great job at.

All I said was that anger can become something on its own and that is not healthy. I have dealt with anger that has turned into bitterness and it takes forever to deal with.

I do hope that you find healthy coping mechanisms for this anger and that you can resolve what you need to resolve for yourself.

I wish you the best