Hi, need help badly, work+friendship+anger

[korn64]

Hi, sorry not to sure where to post this, this is my problem if it makes sence...

For years I was a video game addict, which has curbed any and all of life's pain and sufferings...
I only had a handful of friends, of which few would help if something was wrong, my relationship with my parents had declined because of of my addiction, and I had very, very few friends at my work...

Lately I have develped an anger issue, from my early teens I have been easliy angered, and now it is physical, not verbal anymore...

At work, home or just driving something would set me off, and after a day goes by I would sit down and play my games, ethier violent ones or puzzle types...

Since I applied for my first job which had now been 4 years (fast food sadly it is difficult for me to move on ) I have made one friend...

At first I fell in love but then I found out she already had another, a same gender relationship, and there was nothing I could do, so I tried to make a friend ship anyways to once again, curbe the pain (she didn't reject me, I found out this by word of mouth, she hads no idea I liked her until I asked about her status).

But now, I may have lost her, and all my other friends, I pushed my hand few I met from school simply because I felt they were imature, and not educated enough despite being in the same special school...

My relation ship with family, espically my little brother, has declined, and worse of all...

I almost hurt my best friend from work, at first she seemed fine, because she hadn't realised what I tried to do (she said to me that people at work were talking about me behind my back and lost my temper) and while I can't say what I almost did, it scared her...

I went to her place and admitted to what I did, and we discussed things, life in general, and other, saddening things in our lives, she went through more than what I did but became stronger, whilst I became cacooned, and I thought she forgave me...


Next day a phone call from work-they wanted to know what happened as she was shaken!
An internal work investigation was to take place...
And her parents showed up and explained what I did was horrible, and to stay away or else...

For the past 2 days I have been stuck in my room curtains closed, I have removed almost all "screened" devices except this very laptop, all video game referances removed, and have now cleared my phone of all "friend contacts"...

I had rang work on parents advice to quit, but they have given me a 3 month probation and have skipped the investigation, for you see even though she asked for this she was a manager I knew since I started, and given me a second chance (she answered the phone)...but I am afraid if I go back, even after I seek a help and get treatment, that I may lose my temper...

I'm afraid that the other workers who witnessed the prolougue to these events may have less faith in me (even though I was a team member I acted like a manager-with a bad attitude).

And worse of all, I am afraid for her-If I come back will she transfer, me transfer to another store, or I just work like a drone, with out her as my friend...

I can't even listen to techno anymore, for it was her that got me into it, anythumping bass sounds make me cry...

And even if we still be friends, I am not welcome to her parents or even her house anymore (because it was her partner who made her ask for help, apparently)...

WHAT SHOULD I DO?
Do the "honrable thing" and leave the job, no turning back , should I come back and try to make amends despite possible legal action, or should I quit but ask her to be my friend?


I can give more information if needed, I also need help identifiying what I may actually have as well...thank you.

[Jennifer]

are you seeking help for your addition or is this forum your seeking help? Just asking.

Are you still addicted, you stated that you were in the past. was the addiction the result of the violence or was the violence the result of the addiciton?

Have you ever been violent before, what other coping skills do you use when you are mad, upset? I am a big believer in working on the self first then seeking out those around you. You need to worry about yourself right now and how you will get through this. 3 months is a good time to figure this out so you do not need to make a decison right now.

[korn64]

Well, for the help part, I was going to see a therpist, but it is going slowy when it comes to organising one, I been looking around on the net to get advice...

When it comes to violence, I thought it was just minior, if playing a game I would lash out at those around me because they were a distraction...

If at work I would yell, and be un-helpful...I used to hit my younger brother simply because when my farther used to do it I thought it was okay, as disapline, now nether of us do it.

I tried to just "walk away" but if at home I would lock myself in my room all day, at work I'd announce I was mad, sit dow and think, then the manager would send someone to tell me to hurry up and get back to work!

I believe with the addiction I may have given it up, I don't even look at the stuff anymore, and since the only "screened" devices are my mobile (incase work ringers to check on me) my ipod (I've tried to do active things, music helps me focus) and this laptop (whihc has helped me find assistance).

I tried to be active, I play sport with my brother now instead of letting him play by himself, I try to exersice when I get the chance, I even cut out caffine and softdrink since that was all I drank at work!

But it seems de-stressing is the hardest part, yesterday a phone call with a therpy place went bad (only because instead of getting the info there and then, they were sending it via mail) and my parents lashed out, despite the fact they know now I have a real problem...

I put up a stop sign when I was listening to the person, mum mother thought it was the middle finger, dad thinks I am a moron because of my cruddy phone skills...

I said in the past, that they were to blame, they had many arguments, some violent (dad throwing stuff at mum) and because I was about 7-8 i felt tramitised by all of thier fights...

They aren't alcholholics but it is whenever they touch the stuff they change, mum becomes lose (can't control what she does) and dad becomes ethier really happy or (especially when guest leave) really mad!

They don't drink often, but when they do I always tried to break them up, dad always think's he is in the right, whether he was right, or almost killed me or mum, sober or not (he agrees with his actions the next day).
And mum always says she's gonna move out, but never does, after such arguments...

Do you think any of that may also explain why I am this way, I'm not outgoingly violent, but when I am I feel I picked up parts of them (mum is picky, dad always thinks he is right) and also develped phobias of smoking and drinking (I never touched striaght alcholhol because of my parents actions, while with smoking, my dad always protested about it, kinda brainwashing me).

Can any of that have something to do with it, also I find I go into "guilt" mode about my life unless I am constantly doing something, like being here for example, when I had work I never felt guilty for what ever I did, and always thought I was forgiven, because I was always doing something...

(ps I am only gonna take a month off, parents are dead set agaist me going back, but I need money, and the last place while stressful and may have somewhat lost the trust, I feel I could work better back there, is that right?)

[Jennifer]

I think your background could have something to do with who you are, but it is not an excuse that you can use to explain away your behaviours. Glad to see that you are taking the right steps to get yourself under control.

the anger and the destressing are tools that you will have to learn. even if you do not go to therapy, you should find an anger support group and you need to learn new ways to cope with things when they get hard or bad.

[korn64]

...that's what mum and dad said!

Fair enough, I found some destressing tools to cope, I'm also trying to make my own to pass the time, a bit of martial arts are screaming affirmations might help, because when I did taekwondo, it helped and it was the second happiest time of my life (the other was when I was 7).

Thank you anyways, I'll come back if more advice is needed.

[Jennifer]

sounds good, martial arts will be a great outlet for you and good luck with everything. we are always here if you need us.