Hating myself and those around me

[Norton]

I'm going to try to keep this short. Recently I've started to just hate everyone around me. I just feel a lot of them use me for rides, or to do them other favors. Another thing is I just feel like a lot of them are dumb or make dumb choices constantly. Also, I just feel unappreciated and disrespected by those around me.

Then comes my self hate. Honestly, what I want most in this world is to become a doctor. However, I just don't feel good enough. Like I have a hard time in mathematics and I still have to take more higher level courses but I'm already doing poorly on a lower level one, so my self esteem drops. I just feel stupid. I just constantly have an internal conflict between the part of me that really wants to be a doctor and the one that tells me I'm not good enough and will never get there.

I try to keep in a good mood and smile, not show my depression with anyone but I just hate it. Sometimes I get irritated so easily and annoy people, and this annoys me. I just don't know how to deal with this and learn to love myself and get ahead and reach my dream and goal.

(If it takes any difference, I'm 19 and a female college student.)

[Jennifer]

Hey
Who's goal is it to become a doctor and why do you want to become a doctor? The idea that we can look at others and think their lives are great is just not true. You are at an age when you are suppossed to be questioning things and self doubt comes along with that.

Decisions are only as good as you make them. Mistakes are bound to happen and are the only real way that we learn, unfortunently the bigger the mistake, the more we learn.

Sounds like you are an insightful person and wants to have the answers to all the questions and it doesn't work that way, trust me, the only thing that we can be certain of is ourselves and how we deal with situations.

[Norton]

The goal is my own. It's just something I've always wanted since I was a kid. For a while I gave it up because I didn't feel good or smart enough but I want to give it a try. When I've been at hospitals with relatives, everything about the job fascinates me. Studying diseases and being able to help someone by diagnosing them and treating them to improve their life is something I want to do. I just don't know if I can keep up in academics with everyone else. Since the standards to get into medical school is so high, it's just so much pressure. I don't want to be a failure. I really can't have that option. You see, I'm the oldest on both side of my parent's families and before me, my parents and their siblings lived on farms and got very little education. Since then, they have moved to the U.S. so I have to set an example for all my cousins. I don't have to become a doctor to do so but that's what I want. However, there is no one there to help, guide or understand me with this little journey of mine.

The other problem about disliking people, well, I don't know if it's a phase. I mean, I can only hope so. I hate highlighting the mistakes people make rather than their achievements. A lot of my friends I have pushed away because I felt like they weren't good enough; like for example if they didn't go to college I just kinda.. pushed them away because I felt like if I was surrounded by non-academic friends I'd be tempted to drop out as well. I do miss having people to talk to whenever, though. It's just a conflict. One minute I will be wanting to talk to someone and when I do, I just notice dumb things they do and then don't really want to talk to them. I do understand that not everyone is perfect and I am in no way perfect either, but it just annoys me. I want to just brush it off but I can't.I'm tired of being lonely but I don't know how to become more accepting of people, as well as myself because by not accepting those around me, I cannot like myself either.

Thank you for the response. I appreciate it.

[Jennifer]

Hey
You do realize you are a very insightful person and you were writing questions and then giving answers to those questions, very accurate answers I might add. Pushing people away has more to do with yourself and what is going on inside. I think your goals and dreams are great and there is nothing wrong with surrounding yourself with people that motivate you to make that happen, but yes, you do have to realize that nobody is perfect and we all have faults that others are going to not like, but that is the price we pay for being social creatures.

Good for you for being the first one in your family to go to college and it is very normal to have confusion a long with way. I have a doctorate degree now and if you asked me when I was a sohpmore in college if that was possible, I would have laughed at the idea. As you grow, you learn and it gears you towards the right direction.

Read your last post and recognize how much you answered your own questions.