HELP ME STOP BEING A BIG LOSER!!!!!!

[emptyandconfuse]

thanks , not to be stupid, how do I accept people/situation for what they are without putting assumptions into those relationships. I don't understand the last part of the statement and I don't know how to do this, please can you explain Thanks

[Jennifer]

it is a great question, not a stupid one because it is so hard to do. What we do as people is assume that we will be treated by others as we treat them and then continue to get disappointed in their actions/reactions.

The only thing that you can control in this world is how you act and how you react. When dealing with people, you have to take them at face value and not hold them to a standard that they do not have.

Some people do rise above the standard and others fall below. There are good people out there, but even good people have bad days and do bad things from time-to-time. We are not there to judge them, just decide if it is worth it to be in their lives or not.

You are doing great!! The fact that you and your friend were able to talk is showing that you are improving this aspect of your life.

Hope that helps and let me know if it doesn't.

[emptyandconfuse]

How you explain it does help, thanks. I do need to work on it. The friend you are talking about, I have to confess, It still not good. Over the weekend she was talking about something that really disappointed me, and I got really down about it, now with what you said about is it worth to be in their lives or not, I've thought of that even before our last couple post. I had guilt feeling because I don't want to be in her life or her in mine, I mean I don't want to be enemy or not talk. I just don't want it to be as close as it was, I would like it more as acquaintance, & if she really needed me I would be there. Also my daughter just don't seem to need me anymore and I feel lost as a person, I've been thinking about my late husband a lot lately, It seem I miss him more now than I ever did, I can't understand myself. I get so angry with him but at the same time I wish he was here. Doesn't this feeling of emptiness ever go away with the lost of someone you love. What is wrong with me, its been 10 years since his death. My mom has been heavy on my mind too, I feel like I'm watching her dying right before my eyes and I can't do anything to help her though I try. I'm just feeling lost right now, I can't stand feeling this way. Thanks for your support it does help knowing I'm making some kind of improvements. I hold on to the hope that this will not last and things or should I say I will feel better someday and maybe even get something positive out of all these yucky emotions. Thanks for your guidance I am listening and I'm trying to put them into action, it might be slow or I might have some set backs but I am trying and these little steps will actually get me somewhere, someday, I'm determined.

[Jennifer]

it sounds like your relationships are changing which is a good thing. your daughter is getting older and your role in her life is evolving and you two will be closer for it.

as far as your friend goes, there is nothing wrong with changing the dynamics of that relationship either.


grief does not have a time frame and you need to feel what you need to feel for your husband.

I am glad that you are being realistic about your progress because you will have up days and down days.

[emptyandconfuse]

Hello,
Okay I need help with this please. My mom is not doing good at all, in fact I'm staying with her while my dad is at work. We don't want her to be alone. I'm trying to keep her stress level down. She has a procedure coming up and she does not want my sister to take her because she embarrasses her and she made a bad decision for my mom last time she was in the hospital, she even change the power of attorney and took her off the list. My sister is a nurse and she thinks that is what my mom needs is a nurse. She told my mom that she took off and she is going with her because she needs a nurse and she is going. My mom said no, she has everything planned, she told her I was going. She did firmly say no to her but she did not except that answer. I called to reassure her that mom has it planned out and there is no reason for her to take off. She said to me when nobody is going to be there so I'm going (what I'm consider nobody or what?) and she proceeded to insult the rest of my sister and my brother. I was so upset about this, first the disrespect she shows my mom and everyone else. What can I do about it, what should my mom do for her to get the respect she deserve. Please help, like I said I'm trying to keep my mom's stress level down and my sister is making it go up, I want to step in but I don't know if it is my place to and I'm trying to keep peace. What should I do?

[Jennifer]

Hello:
Sounds like your sister is not handling your mom's illness well and she is trying to do what she needs to do in order to feel like she is handling this. When families divide on illness it takes the unified parties to make the one that is apart to come to reason. Sounds like your sister will do what she needs to do in order to come to reason and if she doesn't please remember that this is about your mom and you need to respect her wishes, which it sounds like you are. you are a good person

[emptyandconfuse]

Thank you. I've been occupied helping my mom. It's really hard because she can still take care of herself but she has been forgetful, she can't handle phone calls in reference to her medication or doctors advisory (that includes her appointments too). She seems to sleep most of the time and she is hardly eating. My dad works, so I go to their house and while I'm there I do phone calls, clean and I try to make sure she is getting some food. My mom wants me there but she dosen't due to she does not want me to stop my life. She does offer me money, but I feel that goes against my moral standards, I feel I should be doing this. I'm in the position to help her, I don't have a job that demands my time, I do have plans for a business though I'm putting that on hold because I don't want to start something and then have it being interrupted. I promise my mom I would be there for her. So I'm feeling like people look at me like I don't have a life, I try not to worry about that but the thought comes in my head often. I'm so torn. I enjoy helping my mom because I know I'm making a difference in her life and I'm enjoying my time with her which seems so precious right now. What I'm trying to do is balance things out where when my dad is at work I go to their house, when he comes home I leave about an hour after so I can spend some time with him and I'm not there on the weekend. So I do have a life of my own on the weekend and evenings during the week, but that too can also change if for some reason I am needed more. It is just so hard because I want to help but at the same time I don't know what I should do with me. I hope I'm making sense, I feel so confuse right now.

[Jennifer]

You don't have to feel bad about doing what feel right. Your mom would be lost without you and if you did not help her now, you would regret it later. don't worry about those other people. If my mom was sick, I would put everything on hold for her and I have done it in the past, no regrets about it at all.

[emptyandconfuse]

Hi, I had this eye opening conversation with a couple of friends can I came to a point that it seems that I have to control things that really I should not be trying to control, other people and situations that have not even happen, like the future. I also know that my balance is way off, its either black or white no grey and I don't know how to stop being so extreme. Any suggestions, these personality trait seem to be the big cobrat to my problems. I know I have other issues but I want to work on a little at a time. Thank you

[Jennifer]

Glad to hear that you are working on yourself and this one is comon one for most people. First step is recognition which you have done. It is easier for your friends to see this when you do it, so if you are up to it, have them kindly let you know when you are in the extreme position.

You can also write things down and see for yourself if you are it the extreme position. You have to remember that the only things you can control is yourself and your own actions. Hope your mom is doing okay

[emptyandconfuse]

Thanks in reference to my mom, she still not well. One of the things I notice, where I'm unbalance and get frustrated is when I can't control matters. It is really hard, I want her to just let me do things for her and take my suggestion but I know that is not right or fair on my part expecting that from her, I do it out of love though. There so many other areas, so I am up to it and I will ask them to help me keep in check & I'm going to keep a journal on this. I'm going to try to keep in check to just control myself and control only the here and now. Both will be a big challenge for me because then insecurity starts to creep in and negative thoughts of everything is going to fall apart. I hope you don't mind if I check in with you with these. Thank you again, I do appreciate your time and your effort.

[emptyandconfuse]

Please help me!!! My mom just told me under confidential that she found cuts on my daughter's arm and she asked her about it what it was, first she blamed it on bushes (my daughter did). My mom reconize the cuts and she asked what really happen. And my daughter told her that she cut herself, my mom asked why? And she said (my daughter) she has no feeling, she wanted to feel something so she cut herself. I don't want to approach her and let her know my mom told me because than she won't talk to her anymore and I don't want that line of communication cut off, but I don't want to not do anything about it, how can I handle this the right way? Please help. Her dad had bi polar, he commited suicide, I don't want her to do the same, please help me.

[Jennifer]

you need to get her help. cutting is used as a coping skill. she will not talk to you about this and fortunately your mom found them. she needs professional help, get her either through school or a community center or whatever means you need.