Always alone

[tinglelala]

I'm 33, very pretty, and almost always alone. I don't have a job right now, I live alone, and I have a long-distance boyfriend who I haven't seen in almost 2 months. My days are normally spent looking for a job or just browsing the classified ads, checking my email and facebook accounts for signs of friends, and doing whatever work needs to be done for a small business I run.

Financially, I'm very broke. My credit cards lowered my limits, so now I'm maxed out. I'm on unemployment, which covers about 1/3 of my expenses. I've already cut expenses down to the bare essentials. My business does not make much money, but there is always the hope that my sales team will sell something big. I have an MBA and am very smart, but haven't gotten any response to my job applications.

About 8 years ago, I started dancing (bikini and topless) to put myself through business school. It was fun for me because I was a nerd growing up and never got attention from boys. I kept it up after graduation to pursue my musical ambitions and to finance the business I have now. But in the last few years, I became disgusted by it and cannot stand having strangers touch me, pretending to be attracted to them, etc. The money was good, but with my attitude and the economy, it became harder and harder. I quit 5 months ago and don't want to go back, but it seems like my only option. I cried last time I was there because an old man was making me ride his lap harder and harder. It was so sick. I used to not care so much, but now I'm more in touch with my feelings and I can't bear it anymore.

I feel so much pressure to make money, if only to not go back there again. So, I feel like I need to focus on my job-hunt more than relationships. I have a few friends... I used to have more, but most got married and sort of dwindled away. The ones I'm left with recently are not my favorites, but they're all I have left.

I know my romantic relationship is not optimal. I love my boyfriend, but he is not much of a breadwinner and lives across the country. He doesn't have the education or work experience to get a great job. Neither of us can even afford the flight to see each other. I could ask him to live with me, but that's a major step which I'm not sure he or I am willing to take. I occasionally date other guys, but feel guilty when they try to kiss me, and I haven't met anyone I'm super interested in. Another problem is that I recently came down with a raging case of herpes, so I dread having to bring that up with a new guy. My current boyfriend is committed to me and willing to take the risk of catching it, which binds me to him more.

I feel like I spent my 20s keeping my options open and not committing to anything, and now that I'd like to, the options aren't there anymore. I've been used a lot by guys, both in dating and business, because they all want to have sex with me. Now that I'm getting older and have taken myself off the market sexually, I'm hoping to be taken more seriously. But I guess I don't know how to relate. I'm nice, but a little shy and don't make friends easily. I've been told that I come across as hard or cold.

I continue to say yes to all invitations, which means going out 3-4 times a week. I got to the gym a couple times a week. And otherwise, I'm home alone. I feel like I'm wasting away. I'm very thin. I smoke a lot of pot. I try to eat good foods, but my appetite is low. My energy is low too... not sure if it's the financial stress, loneliness, boredom, smoking, or maybe even the herpes virus. I've been having a non-stop outbreak for a month now.

I don't know what to do. I cannot afford anything, my computers are both having problems, I lost my glasses and can't drive at night anymore. Also, I'm scared to go outside by myself in my neighborhood. I'm a small, skinny, pretty woman living alone in a rough city and scared to be victimized. There are a lot of weird-looking people and bums around here. I wish I had a friend or boyfriend to live with me and go places with, even just for safety reasons. I'm thinking about moving home with my parents or becoming a live-in nanny or something, because it seems I can't make it on my own anymore.

[Jennifer]

I think you need to decide what you want to focus on. you brought up many different topics and to think that you need to prioritize and figure out what you want to start with.

[tinglelala]

Reading it back, it does sound like a lot of things. No wonder I have negative emotions! They are all true, but I need to find a way to stop stressing out over them all at once. I think the main thing to focus on is making money. Because if I make money, I will have more social options and my relationship status will improve. Also, I can avoid dancing that way.

Herpes=jealous boyfriend=not being allowed to have sex, which sucks but is probably a good cure for my sex-related addictions. This means practicing platonic relationships for business or friendship. This will probably also help another problem I used to have and still sometimes lapse into, which is giving out too much sexual information too soon upon meeting someone. Talking about sex was the real addiction, much more than sex itself. It was a way to get attention. I would do almost anything for a good story. So the crazier, the better! Luckily, one of those crazy sex partners ended up being a generally nice guy and he fell in love with me over the years and is now the long-distance boyfriend I told you about. We are both coming from a hyper-sexual background and trying monogamy for the first time in years. It is really herpes that was the real clincher in this... I'm not sure we would have become exclusive otherwise... I don't know. But we both feel a moral draw toward monogamy, even though it doesn't seem to be working out in practice.

Money is essential for survival, and although love/affection/sex also FEEL essential, I can probably make due with less, as long as I know it's a temporary situation. Or I can sacrifice my morals and cheat. Or I can move to Florida. Or I can break up and date local men. Or I can beg my boyfriend to move here. I am so attracted to new, young men lately. It's very hard for me to go on this long without a man around at all! It's hard to focus on making money or doing anything when I am so alone! So I don't know where to start! That's another reason I want a job or to become a nanny... just to be around people. I feel like a mole.

[Jennifer]

you say that you want to focus on making money but then you go into your relationships, how can you focus on making more money. using sex to feel good about yourself does not work, it is a short livid emotion and you will have to keep on doing it and then it becomes more upsetting.