Adult ADD or just depression?

[Barry]

Maybe it's my situation, but I can't stay on topic at work.

I've been a computer programmer for 20+ years. I got laid off in June and spent 3.5 months unemployed. California unemployment helped some. I have a condo, my wife and I have two daughters. I got a contracting job 2 months ago and now make 2/3 of what I used to -- and I was struggling before.

I am grateful to have work, but this new gig has me mired in working on old technology, poorly written. They also have me rewriting documentation, devising test cases... it's boring as hell but I seem underqualified for better work in the market place. I was lazy and fell behind.

My wife is also sick - has had a weird virus for the past two months. Stress induced from the unemployment, no doubt. She works hard but can't now. We're struggling just to get through the month.

So I find myself anxious and afraid due to financial issues. My wife and I are not close, physically, even though I really want to be. (Of course she's sick now, so that's not an option, but this was a problem even before.)

I'm always sad. I feel lonely too -- I have no friends. I worry that I'm not fit to support my family. I keep many of the details of our financial problems from my wife to avoid stressing her. She knows most of it, no big skeletons in the closet, but at times I just long for someone to talk to.

My two girls (8 and 12) are great, we all get along well enough, but I've just been so down in the dumps lately I don't know what to do. The holidays are coming up and I've been warning the kids there won't be much of a Christmas this year, but at least we'll be together.

I haven't been this depressed in a long time.

I'm trying to keep up at work and learn the new tasks I'm being given but I just can't seem to force myself to learn this stuff. I don't really want to be a software tester, or a documentation writer. MY mind goes running away from the subject matter, I'm continually getting up from my desk and walking around -- I don't want to do this, but I have to to support my family. Feeling trapped.

I just feel so DOWN.

Clinical info: No drug abuse, minor alcohol use. I'm an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. Parents dead 12 years. On good terms w. sister and brother, both of whom have helped me financially this year. I know I'm doing better than most, but I'm still struggling...

[Jennifer]

yes you are struggling and your situation is what it is right now. You have every right to feel the way that you do and it is understandable that you feel as such. sorry to hear about the wife and hope that whatever is ailing her. great to hear that you have a good relationship with your daughters and just did a podcast today on how to survive the holidays, it is not about how much money you spend, its about spending time together and reconnecting and maybe you can use this holiday season to reevaluate and reconnect with who you are and your family as well.

as well as your wife goes, it would be best to try to connect emotionally espically since you think you are protecting her, all you are doing is driving more distance between the two of you.

did you used to have people to talk too?

[Barry]

I can talk to my sister - she's good for emotional support. My brother is more pragmatic and tends to slip into the 'this is what you should be doing' kind of talk. Not sure I need a lot of that right now.

My wife and I have actually gotten a bit closer since she's been sick -- I have told her I'm there for her, unconditionally, I'll take care of her, and I've 'stepped up' a bit more. That's helped. Still, she has a history of emotional and sexual abuse - she's cut off her family, hasn't seen them in 17 years, and I support her in that. She has to keep the poison out of her life. But that history makes her uncomfortable with physical affection...

We do feel lonely at times -- not much family around. She essentially has no family. My siblings are in other cities and my parents are gone. (I still miss them...) I have trouble making close friends -- I think that's part of the isolating thing of ACA. I had resumed going to meetings a few months ago but when my wife got sick I had to put that on the back burner.

[Jennifer]

sounds as if starting up the meetings again would be a great support system for you. when you are a caretaker such as yourself, you need to take care of yourself as well which means finding outlets for your stress and finding people that you can relate to as well.

[Barry]

I'll give that a try. It's just that I feel guilty using the 12-step program as a form of free group therapy. I haven't the time or energy to actually do the steps right now -- although I know that that is what I need to do, long term.

Thursday is Thanksgiving -- can't exactly make *that* meeting! [g]

FWIW I am feeling deep gratitude and appreciation for my family -- that has helped me a lot.

[Jennifer]

just going to the meetings might help with learning the steps, the steps can be what you want them to be, mostly about opening your mind.

glad to hear that you and your family have connected and enjoy your thanksgiving

[Barry]

You too, and thanks.

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[Barry]

Bloody spammer. How do we report this?