no where to turn

[jenna]

i have never been part of a forum before not sure if it will help in any way.
but i feel like i have no where else to turn.
i feel like i am falling deeper and deeper into this black hole. it is getting harder everyday to even get out of bed to go to work.
on weekends i don't even leave the house people say just get out and around people and you will feel better. sounds good in theory but being around strangers causes so much panic inside that i am nearly paralyzed.
i'm tired of crying of being afraid all the time. home doesn't even feel completely safe anymore it just happens to be the best option.
jenna

[Jennifer]

Have you ever been diagnosed with anything in the past? There might be a chemical imbalance going on with you that is making it impossible to get up and moving. You are right, if you are depressed, especially clinically depressed, being around other people will not help you out. Do you have health insurance? If you do it might be in your best interest to seek out professional help. If not then we will have to try our best to help you here.

[jenna]

yes, diagnosed with depression,PTSD,anxiety, and DID. yes i have insurance but mostly only have gas to go to work and home.
i think i feel safest at work. i have tried in the last month to get myself out to see someone even made an appt. but ended up not going because of anxiety about leaving home.

[Jennifer]

Well, what is safe about work? What do you do there? I am glad that you are able to get out and go to work, that is a start.

[jenna]

amazingly enough somehow over the past three years we have worked our way up from support staff to manager of a high medical group home.
but it is getting harder and harder to get up and go into work each morning. i am worried that if we fall any farther that we will end up without a job which would make things even worse.
it just feels that that is where it's heading and there is no way to stop it.
almost everyday i get up and find some new mark on my body.
i'm just getting tired of fighting to stay in control all the time.

[Jennifer]

that is wonderful. Have you ever taken medication in the past. You have to start some where and it sounds like you enjoy your job and you cannot lose it because of your mood. You are going to have to make sure that you take care of yourself because if you do not, then nobody else will.

[jenna]

yes w have taken meds. in the past. and are currently taking lexapro some days i gets taken and some days no one thinks to take it.
you can lose your job because of you mood when it starts interfering with your performance. i don't feel like i have the energy to pretend that everything is okay anymore by the missle of the week i am so exausted from pretending and fighting to stay pesent that i don't feel like i am doing my best no matter how hard i try.
i had s much control over everyone last year and this year i seem to have very little.

[Jennifer]

what was different about last year from this year?

[jenna]

i'm not sure i think it was just a quiet year where no one was trying to force memories or trying to be in control. all of the sudden everything has started to come t the surace and i don't feel like i can fight it anymore but am afraid of it.
i went a whole year no injuries and in the last month have had more than i can count.
i'm tired of hurting all he time boh physically and emotionally.
i don't know if i can do this anymore. it would just be easier to be done with it all ten i don't have to remember anything and will never have to feel their terror.

[Jennifer]

How are you doing?