lost

[meltdown]

Hello,

This is my first time posting on here. I have been a somewhat happy person thoughout my life. There have been some real bad times, but I have allways felt that I deservied them. (oh ya I cant spell to save my life) Latley I am feeling very depressed and I can not seem to get out of my funk. I wake up in the morning and my heart is pounding for no reason. I feel frightend, like im going to lose it. I do not remember any of my dreams and for some reason I am scared. After about what seems like an hour or two I relax. I know this must be some sort of anxiety attack.
I do not want to do anything for the rest of the day. I lay around the house, staring into space, hoping I could just fade away. I have lost interest in my job, social life, and family. I try and tell myself that this shall pass, but it has not. I am getting tired of feeling like this, for this has been going on two months now. I have lost a lot of weight and am feeling weaker by the day.
If I could only get over this, I know I would be myself again. I can not figure out why this is happening to me. I have a new job that I like and have made some good friends there.

[Jennifer]

does depression run in your family? I know you say that you don't know the cause and if you are clinically depressed there is no cause, just your chemical reactions.

you can take our depression assessment or listen to our depression podcast to get more clarity on what is going on.

do you have the means to get therapy and on medication if its necessary?

[meltdown]

I am not aware of depression running in my family, but then my family is very small just my mother and brother. I do not have health insurance right now but in month and a half I get insurance through my new job. I plan on seeking a therapist if this continues.

[Jennifer]

sounds like a plan seeking help when you can. for now you need to come up with your own plan on how to increase your mood. any ideas?

[meltdown]

I have tried to tell myself that it is all in my head, but that does not work. this morning when I woke up I laid in bed for about 3 hours crying off and on. I could not stop the dreadfull feeling I had, then the fear started again. My cat even came up to me and knew somthing was wrong. I am better now. I have thought about taking a walk today but cant find the motavation to do so.
I do not belive in religion even though I find myself praying to god.
I dont know what else to do.

[Jennifer]

take the walk get out of the house and push yourself to get motivated

[meltdown]

I took that walk yesterday and did feel a little better. Today i,m trying to keep positive, but still have the dreadful feeling when I woke up this mornin

[Jennifer]

you need to work through the feelings, glad you took the walk. what do you do during the week to feel good about yourself?

[meltdown]

Yes the walk was good. Iknow I need to work through my feelings, but how do I do this when I am overwhelmed with fear and dread? I truley feel at times that i am going insain.
During the week I am working 12-14 hour days. I work in the medical field with patients that are worse off than me. They are holding on to life and I find my self at times thinking they are the lucky ones, they will probably die soon. Then I can not belive I am think this. When I get home I lay around the house trying to modivate myself to do something. I am to tierd and just want to sleep.

[Jennifer]

based on what you just said it is the job that is getting to you and you need to find a way to seperate the job from your life in order to get perspective. I know you are waiting for your insurance but therapy would be very helpful to you to get you through this, you should consider it.

[meltdown]

could it be my job? I used to really love helping ppl and I still do now. should I look for another job? would that change my perspective?

[Jennifer]

don't think you should rush into anything. what is it that you do? you say that you recently got a new job and your mood has recently gone down hill. it has to be something and you will have to figure out what it is.

[meltdown]

I work in Intensive care unit (ICU) as a nurse. I moved to Arizona from Colorado for this job. I also ended a 10 year relationship with my lover, So im sure these are the reasons for my depression. I am gay and because of discrimination I do not let anyone know of this. So I am forced to lie to ppl which is eating me up inside. I do plan on geting help when my insurance kicks in on the first on Nov, but for now it feels like im living in hell!!!!!

[Jennifer]

What kind of descrimination do you get? Do you know this for a fact or is this how you feel? Why the move? If you say because you ended your relationship than this is more about heartbreak than depression. What happened with the relationship?

[meltdown]

In my last job I was discriminated on a daily basis by my supervisor and fellow workers due to my sexual prefrence. I was sexually harrased by the men, I think they felt threated by me being so comfertable in who I am. This new job I do not tell anyone and I see ppl at work making coments about other ppl that are gay, so learning from the past I do not tell ppl my personal buisness.
As for my past relationship, I am not heartbroken. We were together for 10 years and the last three were like hanging onto something that had died. I am over this person and am very happy not to be with her. She started to drink and I am not a drinker. The relationship became violent so I chose to end it.I will allways lover , but I am not in love with her anymore.
I moved to Arizona because I did not want to live in Colorado anymore. To many bad memories there. It really does not matter where I live her in America because I am from Europe and that is my home. I have a few friends that live here in AZ so I chose this state to live.