healing is a long process, how do you know when you're done?

[r123]

up until age 22, my focus was on surviving. i tried to block out all my feelings, terrified of being vulnerable...of having to feel all the pain. within the last two years, i have slowly come to terms with all the abuse i have experienced throughout my life. i've battled through feelings of guilt, shame, and sadness. and i'm slowly starting to gain some peace and acceptance over my life, over the decisions i can make for myself, over allowing myself to feel emotions. all of this has come about with the help of an amazing friend and a powerful therapist. i'm at the point now that i can be at peace with me, but i'm still scared of others. granted i don't burst into tears any longer when someone touches me and i'm no longer terrified of relationships. but i'm still scared of intimacy, of opening myself up to being vulnerable with someone. i still have to take peptos before seeing my therapist on a weekly basis. but part of me wonders if this is just the biological effects of trauma that can only heal with time and compassion for myself. is it still worth paying hundreds of dollars and giving myself anxiety in therapy for a future hope of intimacy? do i really need to be vulnerable in therapy before i am truly healed? or can i just be fine with accepting myself, and let the possibilities and fears remain untouched in the future?

[r123]

I answered my own question tonight. I spent the afternoon with my family, something I try to avoid as it brings up too many feelings. I tried to prepare myself, I brought a friend as a support, and I was still overwhelmed with anxiousness, anger, guilt, and sadness. I got home and spent the last 2 hours crying. Maybe healing isn't as easy as I thought.

[Jennifer]

Good for you for all the work that you have done on yourself and NO, healing is not easy. What is so anxious about your therapy sessions? The answer to your title is that I do not think we can ever stop healing, there is always something that we can learn about ourselves. Yes, there is a time when you stop therapy and hopefully you are with a therapist that knows this and can push you out when you need to be.

[r123]

The anxiety at first was about opening up to someone, being vulnerable, being afraid of my emotions. It was lessened somewhat over time, but now the main source of anxiety is over intimacy, connection, letting down my guard in front of someone...a guard/barrier that I have built steadily for years as a means of protection. And it's hard to slowly take it down.

[Jennifer]

is your therapist going at a steady and comfortable pace for you?

[r123]

yes. she is extremely patient with me and is helping me to be patient with myself. i think that sometimes i try to push myself and want to force myself into the next level, afraid that if i don't push past the fear, i'll never get through it. i'll remain stuck.

[Jennifer]

then trust your therapist and listen and what she tells you and it will happen. therapy rocks

[r123]

haha. yes, i should know. i am a therapist myself. thanks.

[Jennifer]

therapists are the worst at cutting themselves slack. guess your growing. please feel free to join in on other forum discussions.