haven't let it go

[alexa]

I’m doing this at my friends urging because she is worried about me and begged me to seek help. The only problem is, I’m not ready to sit down and talk to someone face to face or really admit this is all real…

Let me go back to the beginning…

I was diagnosed with Depression 3 years ago. Yet Depression is hereditary in my family and I’ve known since I was 14 but tried for the longest time to deny I had a problem, but yeah I’m easily stressed because of it and I suffer from panic or anxiety attacks sometime and yet my friends have been noticing that I’m different this time…

So this is really hard to get into it, I’mnot going to lie, I’ve surpressed it for a year and a half. I met a guy online 2 years ago. A year and a half ago at Christmas, my parents invited him up to spend it with us because he had nowhere to go. When he came up though, we just didn’t gel, well at least on my part. He was.. very infatuated with me. His last day here though when I was trying to sleep. He basically forced himself on me… I told him no and he didn’t listen and he hurt me and I was so scared and I was crying and wanted to call out to my dad but I was so scared.

He left and even after that he thought he did nothing wrong and blamed me, saying it was what I wanted.

I told no one in my family about it at first, theni finally had the nerve to go to my brother for help and he called me a liar. The one brother who I was always close to and he didn’t believe me.

I told my best friend who lived hours away from me. He stayed up all night comfortin me, begging to let him drive to me, begging for this guys address so he could do some damage but I refused and just asked him not to leave.

Shaun was found dead the next morning due to a drug overdose. He did drugs to stay awake for work because he didn’t sleep the night before and I completely lost it. I cried for 2 days straight. I was so angry and so upset. First I was raped, then the one person who stood by me no matter what was taken away.

Then I went numb and completely shut down all my emotions. I haven’t cried in over a year and a half, for the longest timei would not let anyone touch me or get remotely close to me. After I went numb, I started doing drugs, I started drinking all the time, smoking, partying, anything really to just forget everything.

I stopped though. I met a friend who helped me and tried to alleviate the guilt and I thought I was getting better.. but I’m just.. not..

It’s affected relationships with friends, with guys, I’m still angry about it and I still can’t show strong emotions.

My best friend is worried and finally asked me to at least talk to someone because of how this is affecting things… she says “do you want to always be the victim/ or do you want to overcome it and prove to yourself that you are stronger than the little girl who's still crying instead of doing something to fix herself”

But honestly I just don’t know what to do now.

[livingwiththepast]

Alexa,
I am so sorry you have had to deal with all of this. Please believe me when I say I do have an idea of how you feel. As I have been dealing with some similar situations. First of all yes you have every right to feel victimized but you do owe it to your self to find a way to get help to really get through this.
You cannot hold yourself responsible for other peoples actions but it is understandable how they have affected you. The only way you can get feel better or at least more normal is to talk to someone who has experience helping people through tragic events like you have experienced.
I am sorry your brother didn't believe you, but maybe he has hard time believing that his sister could be hurt like that?
I have been trying to get past the same kind of issues for over 10 years now on my own. I thought i was over it but I wasn't. I have just realized I won't be able to move on until I get help working through it.

[alexa]

Yeah, i just cant go and tell someone... i've tried and i cant... one of my best friends has dealt with this and told me that in order for them to move on they just had to let it go and that;s all i need to do. She told me that sometimes help, doesn't really help adn sometimes you just have to decide to let it go.. but i can't even do that

[Jennifer]

Sounds like there is a lot to be upset about and so much holding back that if you do what to start to work on this, I would want you to think carefully about where to start.

I am so sorry that this happened to you and of course I agree with your friends. Your friend overdosing and you being raped was not your fault but the question is how do you stop from feeling guilting or in your case start to feel again.

It sounds like in order to stop hurting, you stopped feeling altogether. Where would you like to start?

[alexa]

I want to start feeling again... i want to be able to cry and just not hold tihs all in anymore... i feel like that would help andperhaps then i just might start healing and learn to let it all go...

[Jennifer]

What though, you have to pick something to start with. All of it is way too much. What is holding you back from talking to someone professional about this??

[alexa]

I guess by going to talk to someone, it would make it seem more real, it would have really happened and i'm scared to face that. I'm scared about my parents finding out becuase they would be devastated i never said anything and that it happened.
I'm scared that by going i will lose it and completely break. as i've barely been keeping it together after that incident, due to other family issues, surgeries, lots of medical things... so i mean everything is piled up and i'm just so scared to open it up and really deal with it...
i'm scared of what will happen once i start talking about it

[Jennifer]

Well for you. I would be even more scared about what would happen if you start to deal with this without talking to a professional. Being under someone's care can help you deal with this in stages and not all at once.

It sounds like you are ready to at least try to deal with this and you are going to need some help to do this. What do you think your parents would say?

[alexa]

i doubt my dad would even talk to me after.... i lived with them at the time. i'm 25 just so you know, and they had invited him up here, it happened in their house so they would be upset that nothing was said.. but after my brother didn't believe me, i was so scared...
i don't want my parents to know, yes i'm scared but i also want to protect them. When i was diagnosed with depression a few years back, my dad quit speaking to me for a few days because he was so so so upset that this happened to his little girl and upset that i hadn't gone to him first, so he couldn't deal with it right away.
Now it's more about protecting them then anything else... my parents are going through so much that i couldn't add something like this to top of it, you know?
I've had to shoulder a lto of the responsibilities with my family over the past year and thats just one more thing to add on top of everything else.
I got into a fight with my best friend a couple days ago over this. she was yelling at me because she says babying and coddling me didn't work, and she was stupid to ignore it at my request when it first happened..
lol, feel like i've got myself into a right mess here

[Jennifer]

What else are your parent's dealing with? How did you get into the parenting role with them? Have you and your brother talked about it since?

[alexa]

no i ahven't talked to my brother about it.. we talk but our relationship is not the same...
my parents are dealing with a lot of legal and financial issues atm.
I wouldn't say i'm in the parenting role. it's just things happen and its up to me to be the strong one.. i can't let it bother me because they need soemone strong

[Jennifer]

Once again, why are you in the parenting role and feel like you need to protect your parents??

[alexa]

Because they're my parents, just like they'd so anything to protect me, i would do the same, wouldn't you do what you can to protect your parents?
it's not just my parents though, the few people i soget close to i feel protectiveness over, i would do anything for them, adn try ot save them from getting hurt. It's just how i am, how i've always been

[Jennifer]

Of course i would be there for my parents, but I am not sure that I would be protective of them. They are a part of your life and want to be included in your life. You are keeping people away and that is damaging to you and how you are going to recover from this.

I coined a phrase "When you say yes to others, you say no to yourself" You are saying no to yourself and denying yourself a safe life because of things that were beyond your control. Do you feel like you deserve to be happy?