What now...

[wutty3]

I'm a 47yo single man. I hate my life, I'm so bored with my job, I dread going, so it's having an impact on my finances (as screwed as they are.) I've got no close friends, I've got no social skills, and don't express myself well. So, I just exist. Nothing excites me anymore. I have no dreams, good or bad. My sex life (who am I kidding...What sex life...) I've distanced myself from my relatives for no apparant reason. I haven't spoken to my brother for a year. I don't know who to talk to...a therapist? A psychiatrist? The loony bin? I know this sounds immature for a 47yo man but I feel like what is there to go on for. I guess trying to get out of this mess will occupy the second half of my life. What kind of existance is that? I am afraid to make decisions because it seems like every time I do, it's the wrong one. I wish I could experience joy again instead of this hopelessness. I guess I've "raised sheilds" and I am afraid to lower them.

[Jennifer]

Hey
Its never too late to change the way you think. What happened a long the way to make you put up your defenses? When you are trying to change, it is better to have short acheivable goals. You said you hate your job, what do you do? Is it the job that you hate or the idea of doing the same thing each day? Lets start there.

[wutty3]

I have two jobs at the same place. I am the IT Administrator PLUS I refuel aircraft at a privately owned airport, I have more of a liking of of the former than the latter. The people I work for are nice enough. I even tolerate my "IT impaired" boss. I however don't really have any friends at work; any that I'd feel comfortable confiding in For some reason I feel like an outcast. Maybe it's my personality or lack thereof.

As far as the "sheilds" go, I think that happened back when I was in middle school. Those were bad times for me. I was having to deal with one of my brothers (I'm the oldest of three brothers) battle with bone cancer and eventualy, loss of my brother. During that time either Mom or Dad would have to stay at the hospital while the other worked. My other brother and myself either stayed with a friend of my parents or with our grandparents. Without getting into details I began to resent my brothers illness and the resulting, at least in my mind, neglect. With all this and dealing with High School, I was a nerd, The only thing I was good at was running. I know this sounds horrible but I was happy when my brother died. I was a sophmore in High School. I felt like a great burden had been lifted from my shoulders. Our family would get back to some sort of normalcy. Needless to say I never let it show that I was glad he was gone. As far as getting some normalcy and stability back in our family, it never happened. Both parents turned to alchohol and valium and things went further downhill from there. Three months after I graduated, I joined the Navy and went to boot camp in San Diego. I had to get away from home. I served eight years in the Navy. There were a lot of "firsts" for me during those years. Among them I lost my virginity to a Phillipino hooker. (The first of many bad decisions). I started smoking cigaarettes, I had my first marijuana joint. I liked boozing it up on liberty. I found out I'm gay, I found out I could troubleshoot and maintain the enginges and fuel systems on an F-14 fighter jet, and I had a fascination with computers. I found out that I was pretty good at acting straight on a ship full of men. Or at least I thought so.

I don't know if I should keep going or what. Any ideas on the "sheild" [/quote]

[Jennifer]

Are you okay with your sexuality? Is that why you feel uncomfortable around people, are you uncomfortabel around yourself?

[wutty3]

I hide it. I'm not out. You could say that I am uncomfortable with it. I never really discussed it with my parents. I told my grandmother and it hurt her so. I felt so bad. She pretty much raised me. Anyway I've given up on any type of meaningful relationship with any man or woman. All my past ones have ended in failure so why risk emotional ruin.
If they're not some addict they're running around on you. I was a sucker for being used.

[Jennifer]

sounds like we got to the route of the problem quickly. Your past relationships were like that because you did not have a healthy self-esteem and you got matched up with others that did not have a healthy self-esteem.

You said men and women, are you gay or confused about your sexuality? Did your grandmother tell anybody? What did you want to gain out of telling her?

[wutty3]

Please help me understand what caused the low self esteem.
I don't know...gay, bi, straight. I was with a hooker first so no emotional connection there. I've never had a long term relationship with a woman or even a 'ladyfriend'. My first serious relationship with a man was a total disaster. It ruined me totaly emotionaly and financially. How can I start, raise and support a family at this stage of life if I can't even support myself. I almost feel like it's too late to try to find love. Besides what do I have to offer. If you only know the state I'm in now.

[wutty3]

[quote]Please help me understand what caused the low self esteem.
I don't know...gay, bi, straight. I was with a hooker first so no emotional connection there. I've never had a long term relationship with a woman or even a 'ladyfriend'. My first serious relationship with a man was a total disaster. It ruined me totaly emotionaly and financially. How can I start, raise and support a family at this stage of life if I can't even support myself. I almost feel like it's too late to try to find love. Besides what do I have to offer. If you only know the state I'm in now. [/quote]

[Jennifer]

Hey
I agree with you that you shouldn't be with someone right now, but that doesn't mean that you are not a good person, just because you do not know what you want right now, but sounds like you want to get better, at is great

What happened with your relationship with the man? Any real relationships with women? What are the differenes between being with men or women for you.

[wutty3]

Well the relationship was sick. I held on way too long. Turns out that he was addicted to downers and when he was on them he would go get pilled up and go "shopping" (shoplifting at any store around.) or take the car and disappear for two three days at a time. I didn't know half the time whether he was dead or in jail. To make a long story short I got home from work one day and he was gone but the car was there. I figured he'd probably gotten arrested and hauled off to jail but it wasn't that. He got doped up and went "shopping" at Macy's Well to make a long story short he stole something and ran out of the store into traffic and was killed. Again I felt as if a great burden had been lifted. Maybe I could start anew. But, between legal and medical bills, I was ruined. To this day I'm still paying for his sH*t, and I still have little joy in my life or anything to show for it. I exist. I don't live.

[Jennifer]

What would you choose to do if you lived? You have choices and staying with someone that needs you sounds as if you are a nice person and there is nothing wrong with that.

What is your next step? Do you hate yourself and if you do why do you? Sounds like others have done harm to you and you just had to live through it. What kind of forgiveness do you need to do for yourself and those around you in order to move forward

[wutty3]

[quote]You have choices and staying with someone that needs you sounds as if you are a nice person and there is nothing wrong with that.

Please clarify I don't understand the statement.

[Jennifer]

It means that you are a good person and have loyal qualities to you that you do not seem to recognize. Either you do not believe you are good or nobody has told you that, so I though I would say it