Unbearable Pain

[shez-not-breathing]

Hi All,

I am a 26 years female. I got married 2 years ago. I loved him too much, to the extent that he has become so sure that I can never live without him what so ever.
10 months after we got married I had my little girl, since then I have changed so much; I have started to claim my rights and talk to him about taking care of me and show some love, he never listen, he kept coming home at 4 am leaving me alone with the new baby all day and night and I was so afraid of taking care of her alone, and I had a simple post-partum that became later serious because of him. I tried so many times to make him understand that I have needs, I need to have some help, some attention, some love, I need to be understood, I wanted him to take care of me coz for heaven's sake I am his woman, but in vain.
I have always taken care of him, I, with my own money, buy him clothes, perfumes and what ever he needs, he even asked me to buy him a cell phone that costed me 600$, on the other hand he never bought me anything not even a piece of clothes,, he never cared...
I have to explain to you that we are not Americans and our life style and traditions are totalyy different, so it is ok with for a married couple to live with the husbands parents, but in my situation my mother in law is so attached to my husband, she even asks him to sit in her lab, and he depends on her in everything and I sometimes feel that he does not need me in anything.
9 months ago I thought that I had enough, so I tok bag and my baby and traveled back to my parents while he was sleeping. We decided at that time to get divorced but I went back begging for him to give me another chance coz I couldnt make it without him. The same senario repeated itself, the same irresponsibility and carelessness, he even left me alone with my sick baby; her temp was 40.5c and he came back at 4:30 am he said he has some work to do.
So I left him again, this time for good, the problem that the pain in my chest is unbearable, I love him so much to the extent that I sometimes say to myself " it's ok i accept him to hurt me as long as he is with me" then the feminin voice inside has won and I left him.

Tell me guys How Am I supposed to go on and defeat this pain?
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SHEZ NOT BREATHING

[Jennifer]

as simple as it might sound, the pain does go away. what do you love about him?

[shez-not-breathing]

I've been asking myself this since forever and when I have no answer I say this is what love is all about you dont know why you love someone all that you know that you love that person and that's it, I guess am wrong, right?
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SHEZ NOT BREATHING

[Jennifer]

Do you love yourself?

[shez-not-breathing]

I believe I love him more, but I really want to learn how to love myself and I need help
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SHEZ NOT BREATHING

[Jennifer]

learning to love yourself is the first step in moving away from your relationship. tell me about the childhood and how you were raised.

[shez-not-breathing]

well, I was happy until I am 11 years old. here is the story, my father and my mother are from different countries, dad married mom and had me and my sisters in mom's country and we were attached to the place and mom's family and we were so happy. When I was 11 dad decided to go back to his country and take us with him, so I started suffering from the adaptation coz the environment was so different, I had a very hard time at school and in the place itself. then I have met him "my husband" , his mom is my cousin, we were 12 and so innocent, we started a strong relationsip as we were at the same level in school, we studied together and played also together. that time I started to experience the unhappiness; my father who was the most important person in my life left us to work in another country and he couldnt take us with him, he kept visiting us a week every 4 months, I missed him so much. my mom was a big problem in my life - we have had some peace now - she used to talk to other men without dad knowing, I used to hear her at night talking in the phone, and she was the best friend of my husbands' mom, so his mom was talking to other men too they both was cheating. then 9 years later after I loved the place and felt that I belong there, my parents decided to go back to my mom's country, so we have gone back, it was a disaster, i had a hard time indeed, not mentioning the bad relationship between my mother and I, then I finished school and started a whole new era in university, I was a little happier and better than before. I didnt hear any thing from my husband when we left dad's country until when I was sophamore which is 7 years later, I had a phone call from his sister who was my best friend back then, she told me that she missed me, a day later his brother - my husband - called me, he said he never stopped thinking of me and he proposed on the phone so I said yes without even thinking or see how he became within these 7 years I dont know why.
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SHEZ NOT BREATHING

[Jennifer]

You wanted a connection with your past that was happy and very understandable. Not worth worrying about because we cannot chang the past, all we can do is work on changing the future.

What makes you happy now?

[shez-not-breathing]

ok.. let's see:

1- success in my career
2- lose weight coz I gained alot of it
3- make my girl happy
4- get over him and go on with my life
5- persue high studies in English Literature

I guess these are the most important aims in my life Jen
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SHEZ NOT BREATHING

[Jennifer]

how's your career and your daughter doing?

[shez-not-breathing]

my daughter is great and my career is pretty good and I am working on improving it.
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SHEZ NOT BREATHING

[Jennifer]

What is great about your career?? What are you working on to improve it? How is your social life?

[bigbeared41]

You need a break ! And all for you and your girl!
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BBE

[shez-not-breathing]

I am a translator and educational counselor in an important company, I help the student deciding the country and the university he/she wants to enroll. I am about to be a department head so am doing great in my career, however I die 100 times when he sends me an e-mail or an sms asking how's the baby doing, I would love to be strong, I need to.
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SHEZ NOT BREATHING

[shez-not-breathing]

about my social life.. I want you to elaborate more Jen, what do u want to know about my social life?
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SHEZ NOT BREATHING